What is a Quad Screen?

I thought this link was very helpful from the American Pregnancy site about a Quad Screen

I had mine today. I don't plan on hearing any results until after the holidays.

4 months pregnant....Baby Avocado

Watch what you say... tiny bones forming in baby's ears mean the little one can now pick up your voice. Eyebrows, lashes and hair are starting to fill in, and taste buds are forming. And, if you're interested, an ultrasound might be able to determine gender.

Who would have ever thought I would be saying "I'm 4 months pregnant" the week before Christmas '08? Not me. Thats for sure. I can hardly believe it!

Nothing too new to report on my end. Some energy seems to be coming back....but very little. I thought the 2nd trimester was suppose to be the best? OH boy....or girl....we should have fun the next 24 weeks. It seems like a lifetime away. :::sigh:::

Orange you cute?

Continuing the march towards normal proportions, baby's legs now outmeasure the arms. And, finally, all four limbs have functional joints. Your fetus is squirming and wiggling like crazy down in the womb, though you probably still can't feel the movements.

I'm feeling something. I was laying on my back the other night, poking and felt something poke back but I haven't felt it again. Just a lot of "other" feelings in my belly. Can't tell if its gas or flutters sometimes.

So we had my 15w appt and have a HB of 162. Baby was def squirming away from the doppler at times. I go back in 2 weeks for my quad screen and then again on Jan 15th for our BIG u/s. WOO HOO! Finally I can start planning. ;-) I was pretty irritated at the OB I saw this time. My practice has 2 OB's and a mid wife, and the OB's are husband and wife. This time I saw the wife and she was picking away at everything. First, she wants me to to an immunologist after the baby is born because I'm "allergic" (<--as she put it) to way too many antibiotics. Then she went on to tell me I need to change anti-depressants during the 3rd trimester....GRRR....all my other Dr's told me I should be fine on it. THEN she pisses me off by telling me we shouldn't go to one place for our u/s because "they aren't as good". Well the place we wanted to go we know someone....so she would spend all the time in the world with us and give us special attention. OH....lastly she told me I needed my MMR vaccination once the baby is born because my antibodies were low. Well we're not a big fan of giving ALL vaccinations to a newborn especially when I plan on BF and the link of mainly MMR (I believe) to autism.

Which brings me to vaccinations...I already stated we're not a big fan of giving ALL vaccinations to a newborn or a toddler. Why the hell does an infant need HEP B vaccination before leaving the hospital UNLESS a parent or relative is HEP B +? What is the chance of a newborn or infant contracting HEP B when its a STD? I dunno...its a decision every parent needs to make in the interest of their child.

Do you know that more kids died from the chicken pox vaccination in the first year than kids who died from having the chicken pox? I remember when it came out thinking its the stupidest vaccination ever invented. Don't we have other things to worry about like HIV? But thats just IMO. RANT over. Sorry. Hopefully no one will judge who reads this but....

Lemon baby

Your adorable little fetus is busy with thumb sucking, toe wiggling, and (not so cute but equally amazing) making urine and breathing amniotic fluid as the liver, kidneys and spleen continue to develop. Lanugo (thin, downy hair) is growing all over the body for warmth.

Well...baby is a busy bee isn't he/she? I know one thing is for sure he/she is taking all my warmth. Also just when I started to get anxious about my upcoming appt on Thursday...Baby T remind Mommy T that he/she was still growing and woke Mommy T up Sunday morning to dry heave. LOVELY! Baby T can we please stop with the nausea and dry heaving?? I love the reassurance but the m/s crap is getting old.

So I finally look pregnant!! I'm getting the baby bump. Some days it looks bigger than other days but its there to stay. Co-workers and ex co-workers are starting to notice so thats also reassuring in some way.

I must say....I feel just plain weird. Or let me say my abdomen in general does. Its hard to describe. I have good body awareness....I think more so than others and feel every little twinge & discomfort going on in there. The morning I woke up to get sick...I must have been laying on my left side and rolled over to my back. I started poking around below my belly button and it was such a strange feeling but I could feel my uterus plain as day. It felt like a water balloon.

I'm hoping this week my Dr. will send me to get an u/s. I haven't seen Baby T in almost 7 weeks. Thats almost 2 months!! Hopefully Baby T will cooperate and let us find out the sex as well so I can start registering and picking out items. I don't care what we have at this point. Its just exciting!!!

Bad feeling today....

Ever have a day where you just have a bad feeling?? Yea...well today is that day for me. I just couldn't shake it. Despite feeling pg...despite nothing tragic happening...I dunno.

Its funny because I specifically remember a few days before 9/11/01 having this same feeling. I couldn't shake it. I was a senior in high school and remember that day too well. After school I just wanted to go home & be with my family and talk to my high school sweetheart. I found my car had been broken into. It was a crazy day.

Anyway....not sure why I went there but....now you know.

Almost 2nd trimester

Your fetus is forming teeth and vocal cords... savor this, their non-functional phase. Baby is approaching normal proportions, with a head now only one third the size of the body. Intestines are in the process of moving from the umbilical cord to baby's tummy. (Much more convenient.)

Who ever knew that the intestines came from the umbilical cord???? :::confused look:::

Well I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!! Sorry not much new to report here except Mike and I are going to BRU today! YAY!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

So I'm a lil late on posting my 12 week post but here it is.

As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed.

The second part of this doesn't make me feel too good cuz I continue to eat like shit! The other day I tried to eat a salad and could barely choke the first piece down it tasted that bad. Its not like I'm eating potato chips all day every day but I wish I could eat healthier.

I'm starting to show a lil. My co-workers for the first time yesterday commented on my baby belly starting to show. YAY! I have moved into some maternity pants and they are so much more comfy!! Even if it is just bloat yet. I went to Motherhood yesterday to look for some stuff and wasn't too impressed with their selection. I did end up leaving with 4 shirts and a pair of khakis for $90. I think I will mainly stick to Old Navy for clothes but thats just me.

Mornings in general are getting much better...but evenings seem to be 10x worse!!! Which sucks but its nice cuz I can just go to bed and forget about it.

Well I dunno about you ladies but I'm so hungry for Thanksgiving and have been now for weeks. This is the first time I look forward to stuffing myself on Thanksgiving!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

New Look

I figured a new look was over due. I know its a little early for Christmas stuff...but I'm getting ahead. ;-) Thanks Kristin for the recommendation ofThe cutest blog on the block.

11 weeks

Your fetus currently enjoys a 1:1 ratio between body and head, and has skin so transparent that blood vessels show right through. But, fingers and toes are no longer webbed, and hair follicles, tooth buds and nail beds are forming -- setting up a significantly more attractive future.

Yesterday was our first OB appt. Yup thats right we graduated from the RE to the OB. It was a crazy 3 hour, yes 3 hour, process. I decided after my 2nd m/c it was time to change OB's and I'm so glad I did!!! Despite it being 3 hours!

My appt was at 9:45...I didn't get called back till 10:40. The nurse took a urine sample, checked my height and weight, took my pulse & BP (112/60). I had been wondering if my BP was low because I've had some dizziness and she said this is completely normal in pregnancy and to continue drinking lots of water. (Between my husband and everyone else.....OK I GET IT....water is good for us!) She spent probably 20 minutes with us going over a binder that they give parents that has all kinds of good info in it. I was really surprised that they did this but...its great!! Classes offered for new parents, medicines ok to take while pg, what to expect when you go in labor, what to expect at the hospital, reference numbers, etc....

After all that came the exciting part...we listened for the babies heartbeat with a doppler. I was totally freaked out because I thought I was way too early and the nurse was like "no i'm confident we'll hear it." And we did! It was 158 bpm. YAY! It was such a relief.

By the time I saw the Dr. it was probably 11:20! He was excellent and worth the wait! He did an annual exam which was pretty uncomfortable. And told "well your def pg! And your uterus is about the size of a large orange." Thanks Doc! ;-)

They sent me for some labs so we had to go over to the hospital. I had to register which took almost 30 minutes, it was ridiculous and by this point I hadn't had anything to eat since 8:00...it was going on noon when they called me back to draw my blood. I got even more irritated when they told me they needed a urine sample. I was like I just did one and they basically said tough...do it again. So after that they drew my blood and I started to feel pretty queasy but thankfully did not pass out after 5 vials. We went straight to the cafeteria after that. I was so upset because I told my new boss it should take about 1-1 1/2 hours......it was 3 hours!!! Oh well.....

It's starting to sink in....we're pregnant!!!

10w4d...its a Prune

And we have a Prune. Who ever came up with that? Anyways here is what Baby T is up to.

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

We go for our first OB appointment Thursday. This is a brand spankin' new OB/GYN group for us so I'm not sure what to expect. I hope I don't have to beg for an u/s. I've started to get fairly anxious since its been over 3 weeks since we last saw our baby. Seems like forever. I just want to make sure everything is ok.

Some more baby news, I wore my first pair of maternity jeans. That's right. They are so much more comfy...I don't care! If you think I'm over reacting or too early....you can kiss it cuz its better than the rubber band or unbuttoning your pants at work.

Also I've noticed some pressure....almost in my vaginal canal & cervix area. It's uncomfortable but not horrible. I called the RE's nurse and she said she doesn't think its anything to worry about. She said just to mention it to the OB Thurs. I called just for reassurance. I didn't think it was anything. I just figured everything is kinda stretching and growing. My friend suggested its because of my tilted cervix which also could very well be. The nurse told me after all I've been through I'm pretty in tuned to my body.....yea, I know. That comes with the dancer in me as well. ;-)

9w5d

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

So now that I've updated you on how big our baby is...let's talk about what's been going on....

I sit here with my pants unbuttoned, feeling & looking like I'm well over 3-4 months pregnant thats how lovely my bloat is. My boobs feel like water balloons that will burst any moment. Unhooking the bra now as well.

I'm starting to get anxious for our u/s next Thursday at 9:45 AM. I haven't had an u/s in 2 weeks now. So....I'm trying to stay positive and we are even starting to throw around names. Yea I know its a little early but....that's what expecting parents do. I think we are starting to believe that this time around....its the real deal. I haven't touched a single baby book. Nope, not until its time....or I actually have the time because lately I'm napping, watching TV, or eating if I'm not at work or dance.

I hate to be the one who is the downer but so far this pregnancy hasn't been all that fun. I work, teach dance, & go to bed....sometimes while nausea and my zofran just isn't doing the trick. I know it will go away but I hate getting off work because a) I don't want to cook a damn thing (because I'm too lazy, I'm craving something else, and the smell of something cooking makes me wanna hurl) and b) I've fallen so behind on my house work its NOT even funny!! I can't find the energy to do any of it. I'm in bed most nights between 7 & 9. Mike and I haven't had sex....ok all of one time.....and I felt like I was going to hurl. So its not fun, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful or thankful for this baby. I just don't want to go through all this for nothing. It's not a fear anymore....its just I DON'T WANNA!

Mike has been pretty good & has taken over some of the house work. However, he recently hurt his back pretty bad and hasn't been able to help nearly as much. I'm ready to hire help. I'm desperate!!! Mike's been getting a lil angry at me because of eating out a lot and because I'm not eating all that healthy. :::Sigh::: I promised I would....but I'm thankful I can eat and keep what I eat down. I'm hoping I'll have a better appetite come the 2nd trimester.

Sorry no belly pics here. Mike is a sour puss and refuses to let me post any. :-P Poo on him!!!

PS Forgot to tell ya'all that we told my family & Mike's family. We need the support either way.

PSS I apologize to all my nesties....I haven't been on much....I know...but usually I'm in bed at this time. ;-)

U/S 7w6d....

And we still have a heartbeat. Its beating at 158 bpm YAY! Baby T is measuring 7w 4d which I'm ok with and so is the Dr. :::phew::: My cyst is still there and measuring over 5 cm. Ouch! I am being released to my regular OB and have an appt November 13th. Wow...I hafta wait 3 weeks. ;-) Dr. said that where I am now, I have about a 5% chance of miscarrying which for us is pretty damn good and I'll take it.

Here are the 2 pics from our u/s.

"The Blob"

The heartbeat

Some of you may be wondering how big baby T is....
Baby T is growing like mad, putting on about a millimeter every day and continuing to straighten out in the trunk. Though you can't feel it yet, baby is moving those little arms, legs and (now only slightly) webbed fingers and toes like crazy.

Our Baby

And we have a heartbeat....

Yes its official! We have a baby with a heart rate of 118 bpm. It kinda sucks cuz Mike is telling everyone and I'm still like ok we aren't outta the woods yet. I know it sounds crazy and it sounds like I'm not being optimistic but...I dunno. It stinks that I can't be all excited. I mean I am...but I can't fully enjoy it, so it seems.

Anyway...hearing and seeing the little flicker on the screen was amazing. I'm measuring right on time. Of course, they never give me a specific week & day but oh well.

I was given Zofran to take because I have not been taking my antibiotic as prescribed for my sinus infection because I was terrified it would def make me puke. So we'll see if that helps. I feel like a baby and a whiner. I don't want to be Wendy Whiner but I guess I'll suck it up and just take it. If its whats best for the baby I'll do anything.

Ultrasound pic to come....

U/S tomorrow & nausea

So I woke up the past 3 days with nausea. Just nausea and today I finally dry heaved in the shower. How lovely! I'm kinda confused because I had 2 crackers & some coke in hopes to calm my stomach. I feel so much better when I have something in my belly. But none of that came up!?! I know everyone else would move on but its the medical side coming out of me...Sorry to gross anyone out. And DH didn't even check on me!!! MEANIE! I'm carrying your 'seed'!!!! <---I so hope you read this Mike! ;-)

Anyway...my nausea is not well controlled it lasts up until after work. So I feel like I'm the new girl who is the world's biggest slacker always taking breaks. And today they were long....I sat in a chair with a trash can in front of me waiting to puke. I kept telling myself...you'll feel better afterwards, I promise. I'm not a fan of hugging the throne. It just feels dirty and disgusting to me. I dunno why...

So after my dance class tonight I think I'm off to the store to look for a) sea bands b) cola syrup c) ginger & d) lemon drops. Any other suggestions??

I hate that I've turned into a pregnant girl that wants to bitch all the time. I remember promising myself after all my losses that I wouldn't but its almost impossible. Its not fun but I'm so grateful for every reminder and wouldn't change it for the world, as long as I stay pregnant with a healthy baby!!!

Anyway...tomorrow is the big u/s. We find out if we have a heartbeat. I haven't been too worried about it. I'm sure in the morning I will be having a panic attack in between throwing up breakfast. The morning/all day sickness is reassuring to me. Though I'm not sure I can handle it for the next few weeks. :-( Its tough to get up in the morning when all you want to do is lay in bed and fall back asleep. :::YAWN::: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....opps sorry!

Any positive vibes or prayers are much appreciated!!!!!

Of course I'm sick....

So finally we see what we are suppose to see at our 6 week u/s and less than 2 days later I'm sick as a dog. Really, is this necessary? I just want a healthy baby!!! I'm terrified that if we don't see a hb this week I will blame myself. I hardly had anything to eat in the past 24 hours but DH made me eat some peanut butter toast and drink some OJ and get a shower. I hate to admit it but he's right, I do feel better.

At one point yesterday I coughed, hiccuped and than thought I was going to puke. Sorry for the TMI, but it was the worse feeling ever. I pretty much laid around and slept as much as I could. I was miserable between the sore throat and barely be able to swallow all the extra saliva to feeling like I was gonna barf on any moments notice. WHY NOW? I need to be healthy! I need to support this baby. I can't be NOT eating. ARGH! Sorry I'm frustrated and still feel like crap!

Should be fun explaining to my new boss that I need some time off to go to the Dr's because I'm sick and pregnant and really need to take care of myself. BTW, my new boss already knows I'm pregnant and has been extremely supportive. Which is good...but I still feel guilty being the newbie and not feeling like I'm contributing as much as I should.

First u/s

So we had our first u/s today and everything looks right on track. This isn't a great shot but hey its the only picture I got. ;-)
There is a gestational sac (as if you can't tell) and a yolk sac. We expect to see a heartbeat next Thursday. So I can breath until then.

This so doesn't seem real, we've made it to 8 weeks before but we never saw a yolk sac. Its weird. I know I'm pregnant but I'm almost still in shock and disbelief. Also my Progesterone was 34.6.

Oh and they confirmed that the corpus luteum (sp) has reared its ugly head and that has been whats causing my left sided discomfort. Sorry for the short update hubby is calling me for dinner.

My heart is heavy....

Let's get the not so good news out of the way. The not so good news weighs on my heart very heavily. Yesterday I found out that one of our nesties who I've been following her blog religiously for the past few months gave birth to her son and lost him 16 minutes after she gave birth. They knew this was a strong possibility after their 12 week u/s and the doctors said something wasn't right. If you haven't heard Stacy, Spencer, & Issac's story here is a link to her blog called He Will Carry Me.

Its unbelievable how strong Stacy and Spencer have been throughout their entire pregnancy. Not losing their faith in God and believing in the possibility of a miracle. Her story gave many of us nesties hope, faith, and made some us re-examine our relationship with God. Its just an incredible story. I sit here and I can't believe what they have been through, I would have never handled it as well as they did.

I would really like to go to Issac's memorial service on October 18th to show my love and support. I don't feel obligated...I don't know Stacy or Spencer personally but on the PL, TTCAL, & SAL boards we are family and I want to be there for them. I feel a little weird but I think its so important to show them our love and support right now. Please let me know if anyone is considering on going. Also in honor of Issac, a playground is being built at their church and they are accepting donations. You can find more info on Stacy's blog.

So with that, I have nothing to bitch or complain about. I feel blessed to have sore boobs, food cravings, to feel fat & bloated, to be exhausted as all hell and to be able to jump down my husband's throat at a moments notice. ;-) He loves that by the way but sometimes I can't help it.

Anyway....my u/s is tomorrow and I would appreciate any positive vibes and or prayers. I'm nervous but hopeful. I'm anxious because the last time I was pregnant and got the chance to have an u/s it turned out to be a blighted ovum. I hope that their is more to see for some reassurance!

So F-ING Happy!!!

I'm officially done with my shitty ass job!!!! WOO HOO! It would be really nice to drink a whole bottle of wine tonight to celebrate but thats ok...I want a healthy baby more! No more drama!!! [hopefully] Cheers to a good weekend in Mo-town rooting on the Mountaineers and Sunday to relax and maybe work on some dance stuff. Ahhh....I love the weekends!!!

PS Some day when I'm bored, I'll write about the whole story of what went down at my old job. That feels so good to say!

853

Yup that is my new hcg number at approximately 16 dpo. AHHHH!!! They more then did what they were suppose to do from 10 dpo!! If my math is right 12 dpo should have been 48, 14 dpo should have been 96, and today should have been 182. My goal was 500 though. :::Wiping away the sweat from my brow::: All afternoon I was almost panicking, not that it does any good. My heart once again is racing from this good news. My progesterone went from 21 to 30. I can't believe it! I'm just so relieved!

Next big day is 10/9....for my first u/s. I've never seen anything but a gestational sac. I figure I'll be about 5 1/2 - 6 weeks pregnant by that time so a yolk sac :::crossing my fingers::: hopefully will be there and a heartbeat would be absolutely F($&ing FANTASTIC!!!!

I still haven't figured out my EDD or how far along I am. Maybe I'll go do that when I'm done. I've just been too nervous. But now that I know this isn't just another CP....I'm feeling super optimistic.

I've also realized with this pregnancy that this is out of my control. My little one is in God's hands and as much as I want a baby here on Earth I've come to the conclusion that I'm ok if that is not God's plan for this pregnancy. In some way its peaceful to know that my baby may be too perfect for Earth and God has other plans for him or her. I didn't realize or accept this during any of my other pregnancies so I'm looking at this as a good sign. It's outta my hands and all I can do is pray and think positively and somehow enjoy every minute of this pregnancy.

4th BFP in 1 year

As most of you know, I got my 4th BFP in 1 year. I tested 3 times since Thursday and the line keeps getting darker which reassures me! SEE....I'm positive this time around but it also scares me because I felt this way during my pregnancy with my blighted ovum. So please send some positive vibes our way, we are totally approaching this pregnancy with caution. Its so hard not to get our hopes up!!



So yesterday Mike and I went down to the WVU vs Marshall game. We had a great time. Thought I would post some pics. Professional player for Seahawks from WVU, Owen Schmidt showed up at the game which was really nice to see he hasn't forgotten about us! WE LOVE OWEN!! Still sporting his mohawk. Just a little backround...Owen was a walk on 4-5 years ago who broke 11 face masks during his college career. Check out a clip on youtube from one of his last games last year. My husband is wearing off on me way too much. Don't ya think? Oh well...he said Owen is one of his all time favorite players so I better know all that I know about him.

Here is another photo of Mike and I. It was starting to rain so I got my rain gear on quickly. Please ignore the nice zit on my chin.

One last photo of my offensive boys Pat White #5, Noel Devine #7, & Jock Sanders #9.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!!

4th BFP....

That's right...I haven't announced it yet but I'm getting ready to at least on TTCAL. Few select people know this time around. I did go for betas yesterday they were 24 and progesterone Dr. said was a "healthy 21". WOO HOO!! ::WANTED:: STICKY DUST FOR A STICKY BABY!!!

Tested tonight...

I couldn't even wait till tomorrow. I was like OMIGOD what if I made a fool outta myself and its an evap line...I don't think it is...cuz its still there......And the waiting begins.

"For a Successful Pregnancy

Powerful is your intercession with God, Mary, for you are his mother. Tender , too, is your love for us, for you are our mother. Confidently , then, I come to you as a child, poor and needy, to seek your aid and protection. In every trial of motherhood, I beg your aid. For the grace of a happy delivery, I come to you. For your holy assistance in guarding and directing each tiny soul with which God entrusts me, I call to you. In every sorrow that comes to me in my motherhood, I confide in you.

That I may have strength to bear cheerfully all the pains and hardships of motherhood, I lean on you. That the sweetness of motherhood may not through my neglect be embittered in later years by pains of regret, I trust in you.
That the will of God may always be fulfilled in me through each act of my motherhood, little and great, I beg your aid. Never forsake me dear Mother, my hope, my consolation, my confidence, and my trust, but ever be at my side to aid and protect me, your needy child. Amen.
Mother of Love, of Sorrow, and of Mercy, Pray for us!"

For more prayers
click here.

Symptoms continued

1) I'm starving and I just made myself a decent dinner.

2) I had a wave of nausea this morning and was this close {pinching my fingers about an inch apart from each other} to running to the bathroom.

3) I'm tired and its 5:45. I'm ready for a nap.

4) My BB's are ready to get outta this stinkin bra and be FREE!

5) I'm in a funk. Mike can confirm that my mood is....crappy.

6) I'm bloated...from the time I eat lunch to the time I get to bed my lil stomach pouch is sticking out.

7) I might have POAS today and it may have looked like this:



Maybe evap line...not really sure...its super faint but these tests are white when negative, no mistaking if its a BFN thats for sure. I'm not getting my hopes up. Went for betas this tonight...we'll see what they are. I'm only on CD 28 and ovulated some where in the beginning of last week. I hope this isn't the start of another CP. Do you see it or am I just crazy??

Plan: Test again tomorrow on another hpt from Early Pregnancy Tests on the net.

My "symptoms"

1) Tired

2) Hungry

3) Peeing more (not too much, but waking up and having to pee like a race horse)

4) My tummy is grumbling...

5) BB's are tender but not too sore

6) Blah & irritated....but thats pretty normal...HA HA

I don't see a BFP around the corner any time soon.

Why in the 2WW....

are we obsessed with POAS & with all the symptoms? I don't get it and it is so freakin annoying. I don't feel like this is my month but yet I had to pee on a stick today for it to tell me BFN! WHY? And why in the 2WW does my body insist that I have to pee more and insist that my boobs are swollen? Am I just imagining it or what? I would like for this crap to go away!!!

So this afternoon was my bf's baby shower. She is 35 weeks and cute as a button. I assisted in planning the shower and thought I would be fine. Honestly she is one of the only people that I'm ecstatic for that is pregnant!! I cried after I left...not because I'm jealous or bitter but because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated my body won't work. Now I'm worried for when the baby arrives. How will I feel? How will I act? It makes me want to cry now. :-( So damn frustrating. I left feeling like someone was sitting on my chest...and ready to have a panic attack. I hate that. I calmed down after I stopped at my Grandfather's grave on the way home. Some days that is what gets me through that my angels are up above with my Opa watching over us. Or at least I hope.

I really like the prayers I shared with everyone yesterday. The first one starts out almost morbid. But has a very good message and brings me great comfort to read

"Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth".

Moving on....let me tell you that I have be offered and accepted a new position at a new clinic. As many of you know I have been unhappy for awhile. My new position is as a PTA still but I will be transferring to a private practice out patient physical therapy clinic. I have been given the opportunity to start a program that will allow me to rehab dancers. I work ZERO weekends ZERO holidays. My benefits are completely paid for except dental & vision. Did I mention I will be also getting a $3500 raise? When you figure benefits into it thats $5500!!

Anyways....I'm happy but sad to be leaving some great people. I will miss a lot of co-workers but I feel its time to move on...I don't need this added stress in my life!!! I just pray I'm making the right decision and will like my job just as much if not better. I'm very nervous that my boss will flip when I hand him my resignation letter tomorrow. I don't think he has a clue and is going to take this very personally...which maybe he should....but he has to understand I'm doing whats best for my family and I at this point in time.

I have tried to make this decision based purely on pro's and con's and not include the "personal drama" at work in my decision. Hopefully my intuition was right.

Prayers

I originally wanted to discuss my job and focus on the good that is going on right now. But during my normal routine of checking out other blogs I came across Vivian's post that really touched me. I'm so grateful that she posted this because I had wondered if there was a Patron Saint for Miscarriages and sure enough there is....Saint Catherine of Sweeden and Saint Catherine of Siena. Vivian is in limbo right now and I ask that God Bless her, her husband, & little one growing inside her right now. That she will have & see a healthy baby at her next doctor appt.

Please pray with me for all of those who have experienced a miscarriage, still birth or those who have chosen to terminate their pregnancies due to health reasons. This goes out to all the TTCAL nesties, these prayers are for all of us!!!

My Lord, the baby is dead !Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?“Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you whyYou see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.-Mother M. Angelica.

Dear God,People ask me how I am coping. I’ve learned to smile in company.I’ve learned to appear calm and even relaxed. But this is not the real me.It is a person that I watch going through the motions of living. Inside, I’m still screaming, or else I’m just numb. Sometimes the ache is so strong that my whole body is racked with pain. The pain and the questions are often bound up together. Why did I have to miscarry (again) ?The questions chase around inside my mind. I feel there ought to be answers. I feel I am owed some explanations.Yet no explanations come, and there seems to be nowhere to go to find any. You alone know the reasons for our loss.Help me to accept your mysterious ways and your divine plan for me, which may differ from my human hopes and dreams. Help us to understand that at the very heart of the universe there is not despair but hope, not evil but a God of love. Amen.

If you are interested in prayers and/or reading more on the website I got these prayers off ofclick here.

World = upside down

So I feel like my life has been turned upside down in the past year and someone continues to shake the shit outta it. ::Sigh:: This is not how I wanted to feel going into the weekend. I'm miserable. I literally want to go curl up in a ball in bed bawl my eyes out and fall asleep and not wake up until this nightmare is over. I feel like nothing is stable in my life and I have no control over it. I only have control over myself, but its funny I don't even have control over that, at least not my own body or I would have a baby. I would be a mother to a 1 month old, I would be 5 months pregnant, or I would be 6 weeks pregnant.

So here's my day......my usual shit at work and then one of my best friends at work texts me and told me she had some good news and bad news. BTW, this is my next door neighbor. She tells me they are moving but staying in town. Now before you judge me....I'm upset because her 5 y.o. daughter told us 2 weeks ago. She told me they've had the key and have been fixing it up since Monday since they signed the papers. That they didn't want anyone to know until it was final. Its now Friday, and she is telling me. I'm disappointed. I totally know she needs to do what is right for her and her family but....her daughter told me and she didn't want to tell me face to face because she thought I would cry and than she would.

If this is the first time you are reading my blog please note I AM AN ONLY CHILD. I realize I can be selfish and I obviously don't want my best friend to move. I swear some days she is the only reason I'm sane. I don't handle change well. I've moved 2 times in my lifetime. Once when I was 3 and then when I was 21 moving in with DH.

To make matters worse I was upset this afternoon at work about this and got a text from my boss after I left why I was upset and he thought it had to do with him. Yadda Yadda Yadda. It has turned into a texting war for almost 2 hours now about work. After I wrote that we could talk about this Monday and I wanted to enjoy my weekend.

I can't keep this up!! I really can't!!

Am I a Pro at this?

I dunno...I feel I should be more bummed about my 3rd loss. I can't decide if I'm becoming a Pro and now know what to expect or if I'm just numb. I feel I should be more bummed because I lost another child. My body cannot sustain a damn pregnancy. WTF? I feel I should be angry and some days I am. I feel like I should have cried more over my loss but at the same time...I can't change the past, I can only change the future. And crying sure in the hell won't change anything. Don't get me wrong, I still cry to let my frustrations out but I know it won't change what has happened. I know praying will not bring my babies back but I still pray that God will bless us with a beautiful family here on Earth.

Who am I? I wish I could be that positive at work. As you all know work sucks!! Its an awful situation that I have no idea how to handle. I've tried and have been ignored. I have tried to be quite about it but I can't. Mike is sick of me venting every night when I get home. I guess my only options are to A) Talk to my boss again or B) find a new job. Its so hard. This decision would be much easier if we didn't have the financial situation that we did (thank you X & Y for cutting Mike's salary 30%, bastards) and if I didn't start my own dance studio. Hopefully I can find a job that is willing to let me work M-F 7-4 or 8-5. :::Crossing my fingers & toes::: cuz I don't know how much more I can take of my current job. I love the people I work with, almost every single one but this circumstance just isn't right. And I can't stand for it. My patients are affected by it, I'm affected by it, others are, it just isn't right!! I hate that this is happening!

Other than work or TTC that leaves my dance studio. Its going well for just getting it up and started. I have 7 students, possibly 8 by next week. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but its a start for being a part time job. I have to let word of mouth travel and advertise my butt off when I can.

So that's it for now...

Course of action

So..FINALLY I got to sit down with my Dr. and ask where we go from here. My Dr. is a very compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. Which is very helpful in this frustrating process. He, however, is very conservative and does not rush into anything. Which in some ways is good, in other ways it can be more frustrating.

At our appointment we discuss the next step in this process. The one diagnostic test we did not do is a sonohysterogram. A sonohysterogram is a vaginal u/s that uses a saline solution to enhance your uterus. It can detect abnormalities such as fibroids, pylops, scar tissue, or abnormalities of your uterine lining. The RE believes nothing will come of this u/s but wants to rule everything out.

We will not have the u/s until next cycle, hopefully beginning of October. I am to call as soon as AF arrives and the u/s needs to occur before ovulation. However, we are NOT putting off TTC this month. Yes, this risks another m/c but we are willing to take that risk at this point. Why continue to wait?

We also discussed whether progesterone was a problem and he said that he does not believe so. My progesterone dropped very quickly with Baby #3 because my hcg was dropping. Hcg therefore controls progesterone, or is at least suppose to. That's not to say that I don't have a luteal phase defect. So we'll see what the sonohysterogram says and go from there. The next step would be Clomid, at least in my mind.

Hopefully, we will become pregnant with our sticky baby this cycle and not have to worry about it. But I'm glad we have a course of action finally!!! Please continue to pray for us!!!

The last thing the RE did was look me in the eye and ask "putting all the physical stuff a side, how are you?" I told him for the most part I was still pretty numb. I told him we were prepared for the worst this time and not that it isn't devastating each time it happens but in a sense it is easier, I don't get my hopes up and I know what to expect emotionally and physically. It meant a lot for him to ask me this. He definitely heard that I was upset about my other appt because he said this u/s will be schedule with me and no one else.

Other than that...my first creative movement class was last night. Only 2 girls showed up but I was still thankful for that. I was a little discouraged afterwards but Mike said "ya know you only started this company a month ago" and he's right. I can't expect to have 5 girls in each class especially since this is not my full time job. So that made me feel better. Well I'm off to go have dinner and get some rest. I haven't been sleeping the greatest.

RE appt SUCKED!

I think I've cried the hardest I've ever cried today. I think I sobbed the hardest I've ever sobbed before all thanks to a shitty appt at my RE's office.

I go in today to my RE's office (its at a local hospital combined with L&D) and sat with a bunch of pregnant women and a family who was awaiting the arrival of a new grandchild. After about 20 minutes, they called me back, drew my blood and had me wait in an exam room. The dr came in (obviously wasn't my dr who I was expecting to see) looked at my chart and said something to the effect of "So by the looks (as he was looking through my chart) you are experiencing a m/c. Have you had any before?" I replied "two prior to this." He said "Well we'll see what your levels are by this afternoon and if they are negative go ahead and make an appt with Dr. D."

Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell did I drive over here and pay a co-pay for you to refer me back to my Dr? Why the hell did you make me sit in the waiting room full of pregnant woman for all this shit? Its torture seeing all the pregnant bellies and me here who has 3 angels now. You would think & I expected to have an appt to talk about my options. Even if it wasn't my Dr. at least he could have talked to mine and have been on the same page. It doesn't take that long! I wanted an action plan not, "oh...well see your Dr."

I just got off the phone with my Dr's nurse who was really sweet and got me an appt for thurs @ 10 but I'm still so upset, I started bawling like a baby on the phone. I explained that I was expecting some plan not necessarily answers but something. These dr's should be on the same page if they are in the same practice. She comforted me and said that these appts aren't made to discuss those things. They are just to discuss if you have any issues or problems. Well for goodness sakes he didn't ask me a damn thing! Except if I had prior m/c. HELLO! Look at my chart before you step foot in the door. Oh and to top it off, he asked "How are your spirits holding up?" How the fuck do you think my spirits are Doc? GET A GRIP!

So now I have to take more time off work Thursday morning and I have to WAIT till Thursday to even hear of a plan...who knows if they'll do any testing or anything that day. I'm not happy, not happy at all. In fact I'm a miserable bitch at this point.

Back from Morgantown, WV

Yes, we are finally back from Mo-town. We had a fairly good time other than drama that went on at our tailgate. ::rolling my eyes:: Alcohol induced drama is always fun...only when your 20, not soon to be 40! Ok...now that I got that off my chest. I officially starting m/c Friday before we left. This may be TMI for some so don't read....I'm warning you...Friday night my cramps became pretty intense, enough that I left dinner to go buy more pads & motrin. Saturday I think I change a maxi pad 4 times and to make it even better...try doing that in a freakin port-a-potty thingy! Yea, not a pleasant experience what so ever.

Friday night my cramps became pretty intense and Saturday morning I felt as if I'd been gutted I was bleeding so bad.

So...I dunno if I'm just in denial or if I'm still numb or if going through this a 3rd time I'm consider a pro or what it is but...I dunno that I feel much of anything. Of course I'm pissed and angry but at the same time I'm just like $(&# this shit and lets move on. Or maybe I've completely given up hope. That could be it...I told my mom that its not worth praying for us because no one is listening...I said that all inbetween sobs. I don't mean it but I feel that way.

I also feel my RE better have a DAMN GOOD answer come Tuesday morning or it might be when all my emotions come out! I wanna know if he still thinks this is "a case of bad luck" still. If he does I have news for him. Anyway...my numbers should be zero...I was at 15 on Friday and my RE's partner told me "well at least its taking care of itself". WTH? Sure...great I don't have to have another D&E but jesus this is not what I want to go through once again. I've been poked and prodded that WTH is another procedure?

Thanks for all the nesties who have responded and for all your thoughts and prayers. Yes, there are days I might not show that I appreciate it but I really, really do. I wouldn't keep going without all your encouragement.

Now on another note, here are some pics from WVU.

The Fiest Bowl Trophy won against Oklahoma 48-28

My first time stepping onto Mountaineer field.

Mike & I

Let's Go..........MOUNTAINEERS! Bring on the new era of Coach Stew!

And the bleeding begins...

Mike & I are getting ready to head down to WVU for the weekend and of course the bleeding starts. 4 weeks, 5 days. F*&^ YOU BODY! I'm not looking forward to his trip nearly as much as I was but I plan to make the best of it. Mike's best friend and their wife are pregnant (just found out as well). See my post about pity party and you'll understand...that I'm just not thrilled. I don't know that I have an ounce of happiness for anyone that is pregnant right now, with a few exceptions (my nestie friend Stephanie, Niecy & Amanda & one of my very close friends Lindsay). Honest to God, that's it! Well I should be back Sunday evening and hope to update you with our trip to WVU, I'm hoping it will be more fun than I think it will be.

So...third time NOT a charm

That's right. HCG = 15 & Progesterone = 0. I sit here sobbing, bawling, and shaking. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me right now I don't know what to say...I'm numb! I can't believe I'm going through this again. I'm losing our baby for the 3rd time. WTF?

I just know...

I just know deep down inside that this is a chemical pregnancy once again. I sit here crying once again, feeling like a failure and a huge let down. I'm so disappointed. I'm so mad and I'm so sad. How can this be happening again?

I don't have the strength to keep fighting...I feel so weak right now...I have zero hope that my numbers are doubling thanks to me POAS tonight and it barely having a hint of a line.

Maybe this is my punishment for always succeeding in life up until this point. I've had it pretty easy, more easy than most. I grew up an only child because my mom had cervical cancer when I was 3 and at the young age of 30. My mom was a SAHM, while my dad worked crazy shifts as a local police officer. They some how made it work. As I grew up my parents provided me with anything I needed. School came easy to me for the most part, I succeeded in dance, and even in most sports I wasn't too shabby. My dad and I grew far apart and in my senior year of HS my parents separated when my dad was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. That's probably as dysfunctional as it has gotten for me. Ok so there were a lot more bumps and curves in the road that I will tell you some other time but I'm grateful for the most part that I've had an easy life compared to most.

I'm not a patient person either. Are you testing my patience God? I'm waving a huge white flag at the moment. Can't you see it?

Please, please, please pray for a miracle tonight! Please pray that I am wrong and that everything is right on track. I know many of you, many of my friends, many of my co-workers, and many of my family have been praying for us and I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!! I don't know what I would do without you!

Not so good news....

RE called this morning...hcg level is 38. Not so hot since my LMP was 7/22/08. However, RE asked if I knew when I ovulated and I told him that I wasn't exactly sure but somewhere around day 20ish and that my cylces have been increasing in length. Progestrone level was 12.6 which he said was not bad. So he said he is overall concerened about the viability of this pregnancy. Said my numbers should be closer to 100. However, if I ovulated that late that would make a difference. So we are hoping that I ovulated late but we are preparing for the worse at this point.



I'm holding up ok. I feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to blame someone and I want to ask God why, why aren't you listening to my prayers? What else do I need to do before I can have a child of my own here on Earth? Its frustrating....I wanna break down but at the same time I wanna be strong and hold on to hope.

So far...so good...

So I'm still pretty shocked, not sure I totally believe that I am pregnant but have plenty of symptoms to back it up. I'm anxious and nervous....the excitement hasn't kicked in and I don't think it will until my numbers are doubling. Even then I don't know that I'll be overly excited. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to stay positive because I am. I want this more than anything!

Originally I had a MRI arthrogram scheduled for my left hip today but after testing positive yesterday I canceled it. Instead I found myself upset with the nurse or receptionist or whatever she was who told me I could only have my blood drawn between 8-8:30. WTF? Its blood.work lady! Give me an F'in break. So I called back after I scheduled blood work for tomorrow and asked for the RE to personally call me because I had some questions.

He is so sweet! Within a hour he called me back. I explained my concerns and that I had a half day schedule and he said come on over. The only reason it needed to be between 8-8:30 was so we could get the same day results. I was like I don't give two shits about whether I get it today or tomorrow, its just more convenient for me today. UGH Doctors offices...I swear! Anyway...I'm hoping to have more news for ya'll tomorrow. Have a great night. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Am I imagining this?

Am I imagining this faint plus sign? Do you see it too? Right click on picture and click open link, it'll bring up a bigger picture, that way the backround will not interfere.

Want to join my pity party?

WARNING: If you are in a good mood I may ruin it, so please do NOT read further.

With that being said. I'm on CD 29 approximately O-ing 10 or so days ago. Still no AF, but plenty signs of pregnancy or AF. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm extremely exhausted (tried to even nap at work). I've had a killer HA (headache) and an achy neck. I've been peeing more than usual, starving come meal times, and after tonight you can definitely add irritability.

Good news, I signed up 3 dance students just today. :-) YAY!

Now for the long part...I've been doing really good as far as my 2 m/c's. I haven't had any really rocky days since a day before my EDD, August 6th. And even then I didn't have an emotional break down. In fact, I couldn't tell you when my last one was at least not until tonight.

So...Mike's on the phone with his best friend from college and they announced they are pregnant. Their son is 4 or 5, who took many years to have after having IVF twice. Mike got really excited and started changing our plans for WVU. [Side note: We have season tickets to WVU and enjoy going to Morgantown during the fall. We go once a year with his 2 best friends from college. Next weekend kicks off the season with Villanova and its our annual get together.] Changing our plans as far as no smokey bars, no smokey hotel rooms, etc, etc...At first I thought, "wow that's great! they went through a lot to have their son" and than my thoughts turned into sobs. I left the room and headed for the sun room, where I couldn't hear any more.

I literally began to sob and thinking Mike is never going to understand what I feel right now. He was so happy it about broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's happy but dammit when is it our turn? Why is our luck so shitty when it comes to babies? I even thought we should be changing plans for ME not for her. How selfish am I? I just cried and cried until he came out looking for me.

He asked what was wrong which just led into us fighting. Fighting because neither of us understands where each other is coming from. Mike thinks I'm living in the past because I remember our angels in heaven almost every day! I think about where I should be in my pregnancies and he thinks I should be over it. He thinks my feelings "aren't healthy" therefore meaning not normal. He says he's a realist and is living for the present and future. I continued sobbing throughout our fight, because yet again I have yet to be understood and I don't understand him. He left me cry and I'm still crying.

Sometimes all I want when I cry is to be hugged and held and reassured. I try to be strong for the most part and there are just times I need him to be my rock and hold me up, even if he doesn't understand. I need reassured that he wants a family more than anything. I need reassured positive thoughts and what I'm feeling is not completely psychotic. That it hurts him too because it doesn't seem to.

Instead I feel like a selfish bitch because he insists now on canceling our plans to WVU because I'll be miserable the entire weekend. I told him I wouldn't, that I just didn't want to share a room with just her (we did boys and girls last time we were there). God forbid she even c/o once to me about the way she is feeling. I will completely lose control. What's wrong with getting my feelings out now? I can pretend to be happy later...but I can't be myself around him that weekend now. Every time, I will c/o I'm sure he will just want me to shut up otherwise I'll be the one to ruin the weekend.

:::INSERT LOUD SCREAM HERE::: God, I wish I could!

Did I mentioned he said "it would be cool if you were both pregnant together". Right, and is it uncool if she is and I'm not? Or is that still cool? Sorry I'm shutting up now. Good night...its 8:30 once again and I'm going to bed!

Mike's making dinner....

And I feel like I'm a) going to die from starvation or b) puke from the smell of pork chops....I hate the 2WW.

BTW, I POAS (peed on a stick, *Mary Mom* ;-) that's just for you. hehe) last night...2 days early, approximately 10dpo (not really sure though) and as I was waiting I read something along the lines that its not accurate if tested before a missed period. WTH? Ohh well. In case you haven't guessed it was a big fat BFN...eh...I'll wait another day or two and test again if AF doesn't show. :::Yawn::: After dinner...I'm off to bed...yes its only 8:30.

I swear if I'm NOT pregnant this month....see how quickly my moods are changing? LOL...yes I'm picking at every little symptom that could mean AF is around the corner.

STUPID NEST

So I remain in the 2 week wait (2 WW) and the stupid nest is not working. If I'm signed in I cannot access any message boards. It forwards me back to the home page. GRRR! Of course when I have time to catch up this is what happens. Oh well....I guess I'm off to Borders to look for Angelina Ballerina books for my creative movement class (ages 3-5).

Ok well not just yet. I need to vent about the 2WW. Of course I'm analyzing every damn symptom that shows up but here goes...I already mentioned I'm tired as hell, mainly come 8:00 at night. I was craving pizza yesterday so went out with a co-worker, got my usual came back to work and was sick shortly after...no not puking but..yeah that way. (I'll just leave it at that, I'm sure you get the hint.) I've been trying to drink more water and therefore I wake up in the morning with a really bad urge to run to the bathroom, my bladder seems to fill up quickly the past few days. Yesterday and today after breakfast for about 5 minutes I felt like I was going to puke but didn't. And last night I had really sensitive nipples, bb's feel very full as well.

So is it all in my head or am I really pregnant? I don't know but this is what the 2WW is all about and it sucks! :-P

I'm still alive.....

Whew! What a crazy crazy time it has been at MrsJT's residence. Between opening my company, advertising, opening a business account, making flyers, squeezing in time to watch clips of the Olympics, working, dealing with work drama, cutting back on bills, you'd think I'd be going CrAzY by now but luckily I'm holding it all together. Things are happening so quickly, its crazy! Its good though because my attention is focused else where and not on TTC. However, I'm tired right now, at 8:00. Could be because I've been so busy, could be PMS, or could be the possibility of me being pregnant but I'm not holding my breath! AF should be here Tuesday if I have a normal 28 day cycle or at the latest Saturday. Thinking of all my nesties even though I haven't been on the boards lately. Love you all!!

EDD....came and went...

So the day before my EDD, August 5th, my co-worker who was pregnant decided to bring her bundle of joy in to show off to the clinic. Great for her...not so great for me. I was rude, I admit, but I don't know what I would have done if I even acknowledge her let alone looked at the baby. It kills me to know that I should be holding my own bundle of joy by now (or very soon). It kills me to think or at least I could be almost half way through my 2nd pregnancy. ::sigh:: I hate the thoughts sometimes!

Honestly, I was very busy yesterday to even think about it. Does that make me a horrible mother? Or am was I just denying it? Eh...either way...I got through the day without getting overly emotional. Part of the reason I think I was able to put it out of my head is that I'm about to O. Which I'm trying to stay positive that this is the cycle! The cycle that we will conceive our child that is meant for here on Earth with us.

I do have other good news....my business cards arrived today. They look great! I like them at least. I'm hopefully going to print off some brochures and schedules this Saturday so I can begin my advertising. YAY! Then it will be onto lesson plans.

Well I'm off to seduce my husband....please cheer on the swimmers! ;-)

A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this.

I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love, but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

By Stacey Dinner-Levin

*******This was posted on the nest*******

So excited........

GUESS WHAT LADIES! No, its nothing baby related yet but yes, I'm on my way to opening up my own dance studio. AAAAAAAA! <--Mary Murphy scream for any So you think you can dance lovers, like me! Ok so maybe its a few years down the road. BUT I'm officially teaching at a local ballroom studio and am bringing in ballet & jazz for beginners of all ages.

So that means this afternoon was productive and I order business cards off of vista print (new love) and made brochures and flyers to give out. Now...I have to order music on itunes, open a business tax id account thingy (that is Mike's job) and start my lesson plans. Oh and advertise....WHEW! I have a lot to do my first class begins Septemeber 7th!

"Life's a Dance You Learn As You Go"

So...the good thing about NOT being pregnant is enjoying a glass of wine every night with dinner. Ok...not every night but I'm enjoying it why I can. I'm trying to remain optimistic about this cycle. CD 8 by the way for those of you who don't know. Lookin at next week O-ing. Wooo!

Anyway let's bring ya up to date with whats been going on. I met with the ballroom studio owner this past weekend, which went ok. I'm not thrilled but it is an opportunity to get my feet wet, build a name for myself, and acquire customers at this point. I think this is probably my best option at this point while I continue to work hard on my business plan. Did I mention before how much of a pain in the ass that is? ;-) But I'm not complaining...I totally want this and want to get out of the job situation I am in now. BTW, it improved for about a week and the same shady sh!t is going down. UGH!

So...the studio owner was nice. What I am not crazy about is the fact that she kinda just rents the studio out to other dance teachers. There is no set schedule and classes typically run for a month and then a new schedule comes out. Its all very confusing to me and seems inconsistent. How am I suppose to teach anything in just 4 weeks to someone who has never taken ballet? YIKES! I felt very unprepared for this meeting. She had a lot of questions for me which I did not have answers for. I was expecting her to tell me this is the days or times I have available for you to have a class(es) for the next year. Just not the case here.

She does want to meet again this Sunday and sit down with her husband who runs the business aspect of the company. So I'm thinking I might start with an 8 week beginner adult barre (only) class and a beginner adult jazz class that run back to back. 1 hour long each...not really sure though. Tossing a lot of ideas around but would like to start in September.

Well thats it for now. I'm off to watch So You Think You Can Dance!

8 Things.......

I stole this post from Vivian.

8 Things I Am Passionate About
1. Mike
2. Family
3. Dancing
4. Making a family
5. Friends
6. The Nest
7. Animals
8. Traveling

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Give my husband a family
2. Open my own dance studio
3. Travel around the world
4. Become closer to God
5. Live each day to the fullest
6. Make a difference in people's lives
7. Be a stay at home mommy
8. Be the best that I can be: a loving wife, a caring mother, a good friend, a passionate dancer, and an understanding daughter

8 Things I Learned This Past Year
1. Life isn't fair. I relearned that one.
2. Be thankful for the things you do have.
3. People are only out for themselves.
4. I have a lot of people who care about me.
5. Stop talking so much to God and listen!
6. Everything happens for a reason. Even though you might be in the dark about that reason...you will eventually understand.
7. Life remains unfair. :-)
8. My hubby is the most amazing man!

8 places I want to see
1. Tahiti/Bora Bora
2. Holland
3. Brazil
4. Egypt
5. New Zealand
6. England
7. Italy
8. Greece
9. Paris
10. Northern Lights
11. Ayers Rock in Australia

Opps I was suppose to stop at 8, right?

8 things I miss
1. Being a kid and having no worries.
2. My parents supporting me.
3. High School.........the good old days!
4. Being pregnant
5. Australia
6. Dancing 20 hours a week
7. Having a heck of a body...
8. My grandfather

8 things I currently want/need
1. Money
2. More Money
3. Did I mention even more money? I know money doesn't equal happiness but when your hubby's salary gets cut by 30%....its tough not to wish it 3 times.
4. BFP
5. exercise
6. a new job
7. thoughts and prayers that everything will be all right
8. God to hear me! I know you do but maybe I need to say stuff a little louder? ;-)

AF...but not the end of the world

So finally, 4 days late, my . shows. I hate being late, but its not the end of the world. I knew 2 weeks ago that there was no way I was pregnant. And I have realize that God may be trying to lead me down a different road for the time and I'm ok with that. But somewhere God can you put a healthy, happy baby in that mix? We would really appreciate it.

I have started a business plan for my dance studio which is rather a frustrating task because it involves a lot of bullsh!tting which I'm not all that good at. My dream, if I haven't talked about it enough is to intertwine dancing (ballet, modern, jazz, tap & hip hop) with rehab. After my various injuries growing up I realized the need for it and in my free time (when I'm not nesting or blogging) I read about injury prevention specifically geared to dancers. It would be the first of its kind in the area but would take many years to achieve its fullest potential.

I also have a meeting with a local ballroom owner who is interested in adding some adult beginner ballet classes this fall. How cool is that? Right in time when I need some extra money and need some more teaching experience. The meeting is this Saturday so cross your fingers please!

So that's where I am right now....

I've also returned to dancing at my local studio I grew up at to get back into some sort of dancing shape. I've always had a problem with "snapping hip" as they call it. My hip clunks, and clicks, and pops with various ballet & jazz movements. It was never painful but more alarming and uncomfortable. So when I started back my PT checked it out and we've started to work on it and its now painful. So...Mike shot x-rays at his office today and low and behold it looks like I have an osteophyte or bone spur on my accetabulum on my left side and the beginning of one on my right. So on top of AF and being crampy (more so than usual), my hips are hurting. I can't curl up in the fetal position or sit in my weird dancer like positions like I like to do. BOO hips! C'mon God, I know this road would be bumpy but does it have to start out rocky? Incase your wondering, my left hip may require surgery in the near future if I want to continue dancing. We'll see what the Doc says Monday.

In other news, I saw my matron of honor on Saturday who is 6 months pg. She looks fantastic and I even got to feel the baby move. I've never done that, it was so cool. She is also a m/c survivor and understands what I am going through. She even said to me, "I don't know how you are still talking to me." Meaning because she is pregnant. She said she wouldn't be able to do it and even called me strong. Which felt good and it felt good for her to acknowledge how hard it must be. Though I must say, I am very happy for her. I'm not jealous or bitter, maybe because she empathizes with what I am going through. I'm not sure for my reasons.

The sweetest place on Earth....

Yesterday I had the day off and Mike and I decided to still go to Hershey park despite our bad news we received earlier in the week. We both needed to go some where and have a good time. We had a lot of fun and it was nice not to think about work, at least I didn't.

I can't believe how much the park has changed since I worked there almost 10 years ago. Wow has it really been that long? Geez....Anyway the new roller coaster is outta this world! Seriously it starts out going up a hill and you are literally laying on your back looking at the sky. I looked at Mike and told him "I'm going to kill you after we get off this ride!" I had myself so worked up, typical. But it was insane! The 97 degree, inverted drop....I don't remember too much except how smooth it was. We also rode a bunch of other rides and checked out the boardwalk which has had mixed reviews. We liked it...it was nice but crowded. The whirlwind raft ride was crazy too! Short but not what we were expecting. Mike also won me a turtle that looks like the little sea turtles on finding Nemo! Its sooo cute!

Anyway....AF is due and she is no where to be found. I keep wiping and looking...I swear I have some light cramping but the red headed slut won't show her face! I know I'm not pregnant so c'mon! Get on with the show! Despite our financial difficulty right now we are NOT putting TTC on hold! I'm so happy because I was dreading AF, because it would mean a new fresh chance that wouldn't be taken advantage of.

I am now arguing with myself since AF has not shown her ugly face. I think ok we had sex at the very beginning of sex week, so there is a chance. But at the same time...I know I'm not that's the only time we had sex and my OPK was def positive 4 days after we had sex. Internal conflict sucks! I sometimes think I'm insane. Keep your comments to yourself please. ;-)

OH! I completely forgot that the RE called today. My labs all came back normal!!! He said nothing was even close to being abnormal!! So that is a nice relief. Now if only my body would return to clock work. tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock! I'm tired of waiting dammit! Patience is NOT a virtue of mine.

Noticing a Trend

DAY FROM HELL! So I thought the past week was bad, sex week + no sex for me = no chance in hell that I was pregnant . Well get a load of this.......

To make a long story short my boss & the PT I work with is like a spouse in so many ways. Well for the first time in our 3 years working together we finally had a H-U-G-E fight. I'm not going into what its about because its a horrible, horrible situation that I never want to be put in again!! And would take this whole first page of my blog. Let's just say its bottled up emotion because I did not know how to approach it. Last night I opened my mouth and spoke up (because no body at work had the balls to do so...thanks a lot guys! Not that any of them read this).......I bawled, not cried but bawled from 10:30-1:00 this morning. At 1, I got on the computer and actually was looking for a new job. He dished out some low blows including that I haven't been myself since my m/c....he continued to do so at 7:00 this morning during his first text. We battled it out, yes...a text battle! One that left me bawling my eyes out again. I did not want to go to work, I felt I had no strength to do so. I had never been so upset with him, at least that I can remember. Thank God, we worked it out by the afternoon and he apologized and told me I was right. Imagine that? Really, a 24 y.o. who knows what she is talking about? :::Gasp:::: Sorry for the sarcasm. It was a painful day at worked, I looked like hell and felt shitty.

I came home only to find out that Mike's salary was cut by 30%. So...there are going to be some big changes at MrsJT's residence. This has been an unbelievable day from HELL!

I'm assuming that we will put off TTC for the next few months which is even a harder blow, at least for me. Do you know what kind of wreck I will be? Let's not think about it cuz after the day I've had there is not much more I can handle.