World = upside down

So I feel like my life has been turned upside down in the past year and someone continues to shake the shit outta it. ::Sigh:: This is not how I wanted to feel going into the weekend. I'm miserable. I literally want to go curl up in a ball in bed bawl my eyes out and fall asleep and not wake up until this nightmare is over. I feel like nothing is stable in my life and I have no control over it. I only have control over myself, but its funny I don't even have control over that, at least not my own body or I would have a baby. I would be a mother to a 1 month old, I would be 5 months pregnant, or I would be 6 weeks pregnant.

So here's my day......my usual shit at work and then one of my best friends at work texts me and told me she had some good news and bad news. BTW, this is my next door neighbor. She tells me they are moving but staying in town. Now before you judge me....I'm upset because her 5 y.o. daughter told us 2 weeks ago. She told me they've had the key and have been fixing it up since Monday since they signed the papers. That they didn't want anyone to know until it was final. Its now Friday, and she is telling me. I'm disappointed. I totally know she needs to do what is right for her and her family but....her daughter told me and she didn't want to tell me face to face because she thought I would cry and than she would.

If this is the first time you are reading my blog please note I AM AN ONLY CHILD. I realize I can be selfish and I obviously don't want my best friend to move. I swear some days she is the only reason I'm sane. I don't handle change well. I've moved 2 times in my lifetime. Once when I was 3 and then when I was 21 moving in with DH.

To make matters worse I was upset this afternoon at work about this and got a text from my boss after I left why I was upset and he thought it had to do with him. Yadda Yadda Yadda. It has turned into a texting war for almost 2 hours now about work. After I wrote that we could talk about this Monday and I wanted to enjoy my weekend.

I can't keep this up!! I really can't!!

RE appt SUCKED!

I think I've cried the hardest I've ever cried today. I think I sobbed the hardest I've ever sobbed before all thanks to a shitty appt at my RE's office.

I go in today to my RE's office (its at a local hospital combined with L&D) and sat with a bunch of pregnant women and a family who was awaiting the arrival of a new grandchild. After about 20 minutes, they called me back, drew my blood and had me wait in an exam room. The dr came in (obviously wasn't my dr who I was expecting to see) looked at my chart and said something to the effect of "So by the looks (as he was looking through my chart) you are experiencing a m/c. Have you had any before?" I replied "two prior to this." He said "Well we'll see what your levels are by this afternoon and if they are negative go ahead and make an appt with Dr. D."

Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell did I drive over here and pay a co-pay for you to refer me back to my Dr? Why the hell did you make me sit in the waiting room full of pregnant woman for all this shit? Its torture seeing all the pregnant bellies and me here who has 3 angels now. You would think & I expected to have an appt to talk about my options. Even if it wasn't my Dr. at least he could have talked to mine and have been on the same page. It doesn't take that long! I wanted an action plan not, "oh...well see your Dr."

I just got off the phone with my Dr's nurse who was really sweet and got me an appt for thurs @ 10 but I'm still so upset, I started bawling like a baby on the phone. I explained that I was expecting some plan not necessarily answers but something. These dr's should be on the same page if they are in the same practice. She comforted me and said that these appts aren't made to discuss those things. They are just to discuss if you have any issues or problems. Well for goodness sakes he didn't ask me a damn thing! Except if I had prior m/c. HELLO! Look at my chart before you step foot in the door. Oh and to top it off, he asked "How are your spirits holding up?" How the fuck do you think my spirits are Doc? GET A GRIP!

So now I have to take more time off work Thursday morning and I have to WAIT till Thursday to even hear of a plan...who knows if they'll do any testing or anything that day. I'm not happy, not happy at all. In fact I'm a miserable bitch at this point.

Back from Morgantown, WV

Yes, we are finally back from Mo-town. We had a fairly good time other than drama that went on at our tailgate. ::rolling my eyes:: Alcohol induced drama is always fun...only when your 20, not soon to be 40! Ok...now that I got that off my chest. I officially starting m/c Friday before we left. This may be TMI for some so don't read....I'm warning you...Friday night my cramps became pretty intense, enough that I left dinner to go buy more pads & motrin. Saturday I think I change a maxi pad 4 times and to make it even better...try doing that in a freakin port-a-potty thingy! Yea, not a pleasant experience what so ever.

Friday night my cramps became pretty intense and Saturday morning I felt as if I'd been gutted I was bleeding so bad.

So...I dunno if I'm just in denial or if I'm still numb or if going through this a 3rd time I'm consider a pro or what it is but...I dunno that I feel much of anything. Of course I'm pissed and angry but at the same time I'm just like $(&# this shit and lets move on. Or maybe I've completely given up hope. That could be it...I told my mom that its not worth praying for us because no one is listening...I said that all inbetween sobs. I don't mean it but I feel that way.

I also feel my RE better have a DAMN GOOD answer come Tuesday morning or it might be when all my emotions come out! I wanna know if he still thinks this is "a case of bad luck" still. If he does I have news for him. Anyway...my numbers should be zero...I was at 15 on Friday and my RE's partner told me "well at least its taking care of itself". WTH? Sure...great I don't have to have another D&E but jesus this is not what I want to go through once again. I've been poked and prodded that WTH is another procedure?

Thanks for all the nesties who have responded and for all your thoughts and prayers. Yes, there are days I might not show that I appreciate it but I really, really do. I wouldn't keep going without all your encouragement.

Now on another note, here are some pics from WVU.

The Fiest Bowl Trophy won against Oklahoma 48-28

My first time stepping onto Mountaineer field.

Mike & I

Let's Go..........MOUNTAINEERS! Bring on the new era of Coach Stew!

Want to join my pity party?

WARNING: If you are in a good mood I may ruin it, so please do NOT read further.

With that being said. I'm on CD 29 approximately O-ing 10 or so days ago. Still no AF, but plenty signs of pregnancy or AF. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm extremely exhausted (tried to even nap at work). I've had a killer HA (headache) and an achy neck. I've been peeing more than usual, starving come meal times, and after tonight you can definitely add irritability.

Good news, I signed up 3 dance students just today. :-) YAY!

Now for the long part...I've been doing really good as far as my 2 m/c's. I haven't had any really rocky days since a day before my EDD, August 6th. And even then I didn't have an emotional break down. In fact, I couldn't tell you when my last one was at least not until tonight.

So...Mike's on the phone with his best friend from college and they announced they are pregnant. Their son is 4 or 5, who took many years to have after having IVF twice. Mike got really excited and started changing our plans for WVU. [Side note: We have season tickets to WVU and enjoy going to Morgantown during the fall. We go once a year with his 2 best friends from college. Next weekend kicks off the season with Villanova and its our annual get together.] Changing our plans as far as no smokey bars, no smokey hotel rooms, etc, etc...At first I thought, "wow that's great! they went through a lot to have their son" and than my thoughts turned into sobs. I left the room and headed for the sun room, where I couldn't hear any more.

I literally began to sob and thinking Mike is never going to understand what I feel right now. He was so happy it about broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's happy but dammit when is it our turn? Why is our luck so shitty when it comes to babies? I even thought we should be changing plans for ME not for her. How selfish am I? I just cried and cried until he came out looking for me.

He asked what was wrong which just led into us fighting. Fighting because neither of us understands where each other is coming from. Mike thinks I'm living in the past because I remember our angels in heaven almost every day! I think about where I should be in my pregnancies and he thinks I should be over it. He thinks my feelings "aren't healthy" therefore meaning not normal. He says he's a realist and is living for the present and future. I continued sobbing throughout our fight, because yet again I have yet to be understood and I don't understand him. He left me cry and I'm still crying.

Sometimes all I want when I cry is to be hugged and held and reassured. I try to be strong for the most part and there are just times I need him to be my rock and hold me up, even if he doesn't understand. I need reassured that he wants a family more than anything. I need reassured positive thoughts and what I'm feeling is not completely psychotic. That it hurts him too because it doesn't seem to.

Instead I feel like a selfish bitch because he insists now on canceling our plans to WVU because I'll be miserable the entire weekend. I told him I wouldn't, that I just didn't want to share a room with just her (we did boys and girls last time we were there). God forbid she even c/o once to me about the way she is feeling. I will completely lose control. What's wrong with getting my feelings out now? I can pretend to be happy later...but I can't be myself around him that weekend now. Every time, I will c/o I'm sure he will just want me to shut up otherwise I'll be the one to ruin the weekend.

:::INSERT LOUD SCREAM HERE::: God, I wish I could!

Did I mentioned he said "it would be cool if you were both pregnant together". Right, and is it uncool if she is and I'm not? Or is that still cool? Sorry I'm shutting up now. Good night...its 8:30 once again and I'm going to bed!

35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!