35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!

Memories...

I was on one of my nestie boards, reading a post and remembered one of the only things that seemed to comfort me most during my first m/c.

One day it hit me :::SMACK::: (in the face almost) that my baby was up in heaven sitting next to my grandfather. It was then that I found peace. I have tears in my eyes as I think about this moment and now picture two of my angels in heaven with my grandfather. The tears begin to flow....but at the same time I find this soothing.

My grandfather passed away in September 2005, 6 weeks after we found out he had brain cancer. He had been going through bouts of chemo for 2 years prior, to kill the tumor on his lung and adrenal gland. He was the first person that I was close to, that passed away. It was painful, to think that I would never see, or hear him again. He was always someone I looked up to. He survived a concentration camp in WWII after a paper work mix up and came to this country after to start a new life for himself and my grandma. He was the first to graduate college in my family, I was the second. I grieved for months after he passed away and miss him terribly but one thing that I do have is memories.

That's one thing I will not have with my angels in heaven. Sure I have the memory of being pregnant, but I have no actual memories of my babies. I never saw them even on u/s, I never heard them cry, I never held them, I never smelled them, I never touched their soft skin, I will never know who they looked like or who they took after.........all these nevers SUCK! It pains me.

I love you Pop-Pop and I love you, my precious angels!!!

Let it rain...or down pour

So my frustration from last night definitely carried on into today which lead to a highly emotional day.

When we were TTC Baby #2, I was told at my PCP to stop taking my allergy med and now that I'm not pg anymore my allergies are making me m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e! My head is full of sinus pressure, my throat is sore from all that yucky stuff draining, I'm sneezing all day long and my ears are clogged so I ventured off to my PCP today for a possible sinus infection and some good allergy medicine.

While I was there I decided to ask my PA-C her opinion on seeking a specialists help and when we could TTC again. Her answer was basically she said to give it a 3rd shot, and if I m/c again I should see a specialist. She also noted we could TTC when I was ready. The reason some Dr's say to wait is so your cycle becomes regular again and this way they "know" when you got pregnant (umm...ok...don't u/s measure this?). She also added that if there was a problem (I asked if Dr's have you wait so your body cleanses it self out) with the lining that the embryo would not implant and would have (I'm assuming) a chemical pregnancy without knowing it. Which makes sense to me, medically speaking. Oh did I mention, that she told me that sometimes insurance companies will not cover any fertility testing unless 3 m/c have occurred? Can you say R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S?

So Mike calls me as I'm on my way back to work and shares that he talked to the mid-wife he knows. She told him that I should wait until my tests from my D&E come back and we could go from there if that does or doesn't show anything. She also suggested waiting 1-2 cycles. I don't get it, I think the medical field is now comparable to politicians....they change their opinions weekly. Its ridiculous that there is no black and white answer on some things and that Dr's follow different protocols. GRRR....I know I work in the medical field and I have a hard time accepting this. So anyway...I guess I started questioning well why...and well don't you think...and that doesn't make any sense...why, why, why???? And Mike and I got into our latest yell fest which left me in tears. I'm just frustrated, why can't he understand??? I simply need to understand why this is happening.

Obviously, at least in my head, there is a reason...I no longer believe this is a fluke. I shouldn't have to go through 3 m/c for insurance purposes. I've actually thought about writing to some, I'm so livid. Is that even humane? I'm livid that insurance companies basically dictate how Dr's should treat their patients. Its unacceptable!

So during our yell fest, I mention something along the lines "Does a Dr let 3 people die, without knowing the cause?" Mike replies, "Don't get me started, you know we don't agree on this." So for those who are pro-life & others who are pro-choice.....even if you don't want to view egg + sperm = conception = life that's fine, BUT when egg + sperm = conception there is hope for potential life at least in a wanted pregnancy. Being pro-life myself, I don't understand when a baby becomes a baby and how anyone can decide that. Any pro-choicers want to take a stab at this? Some babies have survived mid 20 weeks of gestation, correct? Sorry I struggle with this political debate. I understand that it is a women's right to chose and I respect that, but I can't agree with it, especially after everything I've been through! Don't get me wrong in extremely rare cases I totally understand...ie unhealthy pregnancy, mother's life is in danger, rape or incest. :::SIGH:::

What do I do? Where do I go from here? Will he ever understand? I'm not sure....but I do know I feel better after getting this off my chest.

Considering 2nd opinion.......

So turns out a person that Mike knows works for an OB/GYN office in Harrisburg. Mike also knows the OB's there and the mid wife. However, I never went there for personal reasons (which have resolved) and because I was pretty satisfied with my current OB/GYN. However, the more I read and the more I hear, the more I want a 2nd opinion on my "fertility issues" (for lack of a better term, since I don't have issues conceiving...I just have issues carrying).

This person that Mike knows is a nurse who said typically in their practice after 2 m/c numerous tests are run to find out if there is a problem and a specialist may or may not be contacted. My current practice told me to do nothing, and to try again, & if we didn't succeed then we would be appropriate for additional testing and possibly seeing a specialist, which frustrates me. Why should I go through this if something is wrong?

So I figure with Mike knowing the OB's at this practice professionally (FYI - Mike's a Chiropractor if you didn't know) and personally that I will get VIP attention, hopefully. The cool thing is the OB is supposedly best friends with one of the only specialists in the area, at Hershey Med Center. So that also makes me feel good. So we'll see how that goes.

Last night I told my mom about this and she was real snippy sorta with me and kept questioning my judgement, so I felt. But she was like "well why don't you wait until your testing from your D&E comes back" blah blah blah. I told her what Dr. Mantione told me and that was that it would most likely not show anything since I was so early. Which I think is a load of crap, at least if they did extensive testing you would think it would show something. Anyway then I said to her plus I don't get those results for another 4 weeks and by then I hope we will be TTC again. Or at least on that 1st cycle. And she has the nerve to say to me "well don't you think you better wait"? I get what she is saying but for crying out loud this is not her decision. My current Dr. told me that I could TTC right away. And in the first place she sounded totally against the 2nd opinion. I dunno.....it just made me mad last night and on top of it Mike told me she's only saying this because she loves me, (he always sticks up for those that say the wrong things, and I love him for that) but why doesn't anyone know when to shut up?

So I'm about 100 pages into "Is your body baby friendly?" and I have to say I understand some of the mixed reviews I've heard about it. Its full of medical terminology left and right. I am lucky to be in the medical field and have had a class in med-terms. When I read it I don't totally follow everything but I get the gist of it. I find the research Dr. Alan E. Beer has done in the past 25 years amazing and very interesting!

Here are some things I have read that just astonishes me that their aren't more people following in his footsteps. The American College of OB/GYNs and the Royal College of OB/GYNs 'who determine professional guidelines, currently suggest only a limited selection of tests for couples experiencing recurrent m/c:'
- Genetic analysis of both partners
- Chromosomal analysis
- Assessment of uterine anatomy by u/s and hysteroscopy
- Limited number of antiphospholipid syndrome tests
- Screening for blood clotting disorder (one)
- Virus & bacterial screenings
These may seem like a lot of things to test and look for and many of us may think well we were screened for immune issues when in reality this has only hit the surface. The book goes on to say only a few immune problems are tested and that their is no Natural Killer Cell Assay or tissue compatibility (between partners) and that the ACOG & RCOG don't even advise to test for things such as diabetes and thyroid disease. HELLO!!!

I also like the fact that he breaks up reasons for reproductive failure & who should be tested by a reproductive immunologist. His six categories for reproductive failure include chromosomal abnormalities, abnormal uterine or cervical anatomy, hormonal imbalances, infection and illness, environmental factors & immune system problems. He goes very in depth on how all of these reasons may effect our outcomes.

Stay tuned...I'll post more as I get farther along. Please note this is not meant to "hurt" or confuse those who are going through fertility issues...I just want to pass along some info as I read it.

Irritated!

I'm incredibly irritated right now. All I want to do is get on the nest and read my boards that I normally do while Mike isn't home. And guess what? It's not working, I keep getting an error message & the more I see it the more pissed off I become! WTF? The keyboard also sucks which frustrates me even more!!

Why Why Why Why? I just need my girl time, especially on the PL board. Everyone is so supportive and I enjoy talking to others who also know how painful m/c are. It's heartbreaking that there is at least 3-4 new girls on there every day.

Between blogging and the PL board I've found a lot of comfort this time around! If only during my first m/c I would have known about this board and reached out to other women for support.

As much as I love my DH and appreciate his kindness, comfort and support, I believe no man will ever understand the pain of losing a baby. Not because they don't want to understand but simply they aren't a woman. I'm not trying to be sexist by any means, women and men are just made different. They can sympathize but they can't empathize. Please don't take this as men don't feel anything after their wives lose a baby, because they hurt as well and are disappointed but they don't know what joy you have even as you feel a wave of nausea coming on because your carrying his child, that you've made together. They simply don't understand that your mood changes on a dime for no rime or reason but just simply because and not because we like being mean. They don't understand the hurt, the heartbreak when we learn that we are m/c their child. We feel like a failure, sometimes the thought that we don't deserve a baby crosses our mind and other times we are so jealous of others who we feel don't deserve to be pregnant for one reason or another. Most of them don't get this and even those who have not experienced a loss cannot even begin to fathom any of our feelings. Which leads into saying all the wrong things....I'll save this for another time.

Well I'm off for tonight especially if the nest won't cooperate! Boo on you! I do look forward to reading one of my new books "Is your body baby friendly?" So far it seems pretty good but I'm all about understanding how the body works.

Maybe I'm just fat

Ok...so not fat...but I've put on a few pounds and look like I have an inner tube around my waist. I guess I should get motivated and start an exercising program. Its depressing that 4 years ago I was in the best shape of my life, dancing 5 days a week. :::sigh::: Why did I ever quit? Oh yea....drama and a bunch of lazy girls.

Right so anyway I thought I'd give a little update re: D&E recovery. Thursday I stayed home from work and just rested up. My bleeding slowed but my cramps persisted. On Friday I went back to work and was hurting pretty good by 10:30. So at lunch I laid down and slept for approx. 30 mins which felt great. By Friday afternoon I had a slight brownish discharge and was feeling a little tired but good overall.

By Saturday I was doing yard work and felt great! I'm pretty shocked at how quickly I recovered but thankful. I'm still holding up pretty well emotionally. I can't believe my optimism this time around. Losing Baby #1 was emotionally draining and I looked at the glass half empty. I can't figure out why this has been drastically different. I'm still sad and my heart still aches that yet again I have lost another baby. It still pains me to see pregnant women but at least I can see a newborn and think how precious they are and not lose it completely.

BTW, I did some therapeutic shopping today. :-)

I use to feel...

I use to feel pretty and even sexy. Not recently I don't. I'm not quite sure if it has to do with 2 m/c in 6 months or if I'm in that in between stage. I'm 24 and in 6 months will be 25. I feel like I shouldn't be dressing "fun" and should be dressing more like a mom (or at least a wanna be), sensible, professional, etc. Does that make sense to anyone?

When I was pg, I didn't take great care of my looks, mainly because I was waking up either tired as hell or with nausea. I'm considering doing some therapeutic shopping at Old Navy today or tomorrow, anyone care to join me? Maybe I'll even paint my toes!

Recovery

Surprisingly yesterday I was very calm most of the day. Usually I'm a nervous wreck who's about ready to have an anxiety attack at any moment. I'm not sure who gave me the courage and strength, if it was God or a guardian angel...I'm not sure but I appreciate it.

My mom met Mike and I at the surgical center around 1:45. As I checked in my heart starting to sink but as I was called back the nurse who got me ready was so nice and sympathetic I almost forgot that I would no longer be pg after this procedure. She checked all my vitals which were normal except my pulse which was almost 100 bpm, who could blame me? She did have some difficulty getting a vein to cooperate for her but after checking both hands she tried the left side. After she poked me twice she got it in and the IV became "positional" so every few minutes someone kept asking me to move my hand so the IV would drip correctly.

Meanwhile Dr. Mantione, my anesthesiologist, and my OR nurse all came to check on me and answer any questions we had. They were all super nice and explained everything to me. After I kissed Mike and my mom good bye they rolled me back in the OR and I became slightly dizzy. Everyone in the OR was commenting on my curly hair and asking if I liked it and within 1 minute of arrival the anesthesiologist asked me to dream about something good and I said "I have a donut at home waiting for me" and I was out that quick.

I woke up rather quickly at exactly 3:00, almost like something startled me. I kinda looked around but no one was there, my eyes were watery, I was cramping and had some vaginal discomfort. A nurse came over quickly and handed me tissues and told me not to scratch at my eyes. I'm assuming she checked my vitals at the time and asked if I would like something to drink. Of course I said yes and quickly asked when I would get to go home. She said shortly and returned with a heating pad and some coke. She sat me up and moved me down another hallway to which another nurse took over.

Mike and my mom came back and I was feeling very light headed and clammy, like I was going to pass out. The nurse who took over quickly lowered the upper half of the bed and got me a cool washcloth. A few minutes passed, my color returned and I felt much better. I was chatting away asking questions and I couldn't believe how talkative and almost cheerful I was, was it the drugs? LOL! I sat up very slowly this time and was given some demoral (sp) for my cramps which I rated a 2-3/5. I'm use to the 10 scale what can I say? It helped relieve the cramps down to a 1/5 before I left around 4:30.

I was overall very, very pleased with the service and care I received. I'm use to being the one who gives excellent care to my patients, so it was nice to receive it in return.

I spent all day on the couch catching up on missed TV shows. I slept 12 hours almost last night and feel decent today. I still have mild cramping and some bleeding but I expected it to be a whole lot worse. I was told to avoid stairs the next few days, use pads, no sex until the bleeding stops, to avoid baths for a week or so and return to work next 3-4 days. However, I plan to go back tomorrow but my boss knows I need to take at easy.

I'm surprised how well I feel emotionally and physically. I just hope I will continue to surprise myself this time around and not turn into a bitter b!tch. But if I do...look out! ;-)

Thoughts...

After I posted my last post I thought I should post that I'm very happy with my dr. How many times can you say post in 1 sentence? I've never been happier with a dr office in all my life (24 years, long huh?)! As an OB pt (patient) I never expected a dr who would call with blood results or get on the phone when you have questions. Heck my PCP doesn't e-v-e-r do that, its always a nurse calling and then playing phone tag because they didn't answer all your questions. My dr has been truly sympathetic and has showed patience with me. He was very willing to do a second u/s to confirm a blighted ovum. I couldn't be happier with my OB practice. Its nice to feel like somebody and not just the hundredth pt of the day.

Life = unfair

So yesterday I found out my bw results and my hcg levels went from 30k to 42,000. I requested a 2nd u/s to confirm that their was nothing forming in the sac for a piece of mind. There isn't...so we are proceeding with the D&E today.

I'm starving and its making me half sick in my stomach and my head is starting to ache. The donut in the bread box is calling out my name, I can almost taste it. Yum. For some reason I'm pretty calm and have accepted the fact that this is not a viable pregnancy. I'm ready to move on but I'm sure I will not forget.

The dr. has assured me that the sac will be sent for testing but will most likely not show anything. I have asked about seeing a specialist as well and of course he is not concern at this point, however, it's not his body going through another miscarriage. He said we could begin testing and that is up to us. He kinda gave us the run around that the textbooks say 2 m/c are normal. I got news for anyone who thinks this is normal....IT IS NOT! It may be nature's way but no woman deserves to keep going through this process and have absolutely no answers! With that being said I'm not sure at this point what we will do. On one hand I feel I am willing to try one more time but on the other I don't want to go through this again.

I've ordered 3 books on miscarriages to do some reading and hopefully have a better understanding of it overall. And will help make sense (as much as it can) in my head.

Numb

I've had a rough few days with people non-stop texting me. I appreciate every one's concern, I really do but I just want to be left alone. There are times I feel nothing and other times I feel disgusting and dirty because I just want this "thing" out of me! I call it a "thing" because there is no actual baby growing inside me, just an empty amniotic sac. An empty sac that is fooling my body into thinking that I'm pregnant! I'm still having nausea in the AM, peeing constantly, my boobs hurt, my stomach looks and feels bloated and I'm tired as hell. "Body, its useless!! Stop with the symptoms already! I'm not pregnant!" Unless you have been through it you absolutely have no clue.

As much as I thought it would be nice to get out of the house and go back to work, it wasn't! I thought I wouldn't make it past morning without crying. I felt all over the place with some co-workers knowing and others for thinking I wasn't feeling well since I was not at work on Friday. Some even thought I was away for my first year anniversary on the 12th. They have no idea! Two girls are also pregnant at work, one I know is one week ahead of my first baby. It kills me every time I look at her belly, that I'm still not worthy of having a belly like that for some ungodly reason!

Cruel Tricks.....

The Dr. called with my bw results. My hcg levels are 29,999. How ridiculous is this? I can't believe your body can play such cruel tricks on you!!! I have more bw on Monday to see if my levels are staying the same, decreasing or increasing. I'm also scheduled for a D&E on Wed. Wed can't come soon enough. I'm still feeling pretty numb or maybe its just denial because I still have all pregnancy symptoms. This sucks!

No one home

So this is my sick humor by titling this "No one home". Mike & I went for our u/s this morning at 7w1d and there was no good news except my uterus & sac doubled in size since last u/s at 6w1d. There is nothing forming in the sac and the dr. said he was not happy about that and is more pessimistic at this appt. The sac looks & measures closer to a 5-6 week sac.

They did bw and I will get the results tomorrow. I will go again on Monday for more and we will make a decision from there if my hcg decreases. If my hcg continues to double I will have another u/s at 8w1d, if there is still nothing forming most likely I will have a d&e.

I'm pretty numb at this point. My fear has happened and I hold out very little hope for a miracle at this time. I can't believe I/we have to go through this again. I was so hopeful this time around and had all the symptoms of a normal pregnancy. Hell, I was going to go maternity clothes shopping especially for bras this weekend. I guess not anymore.

2nd u/s tomorrow

Today was ridiculous! I could barely keep my eyes open and stand up tall. I didn't feel too bad as far as morning sickness (m/s) but I'm irritable as all hell, tired, and peeing almost every 1-2 hours. ugh! But I'm not complaining because this is what I want.

Other than that I'm not really looking forward to my appt tomorrow. I'm scared to death its going to be bad news. I've tried thinking positive thoughts all week but as the time gets closer the harder it is to be positive. Most times I feel this is a viable pregnancy and that everything will be ok but it doesn't stop me from worrying. I have a feeling I will never stop worrying!!

First u/s

So we had our first ultrasound on Thursday at 6 weeks and 1 day. I was a little disappointed because we only saw the sac. The baby has attached itself at the top or the fundus of my uterus. To make seeing anything harder my uterus is tilted. :::sigh::: The Dr. seemed to be confident that this is all he would expect to see based on those two things and my last LMP.

I however am not as confident as the Dr. I'm terrified that this Thursday when we go in at 7 weeks and 1 day we will find a blighted ovum or an empty sac. This accounts for 50% of all miscarriages. Miscarriages happen in 1 out of 4 pregnancies. Its so hard to stay positive all the time! On the nest baby (1st trimester board) so many of the girls at 6+ weeks have seen a HB (heartbeat). I'm scared.

Granted I surpassed the last time I m/c and I definitely feel more attached but that scares me even more of getting my hopes up and being disappointed in the end. We decided that we are going to wait to tell our parents another week. But I'm still going to give both moms grandmother cards for mother's day, just next week after our 2nd u/s. When we know everything is fine.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

6 Weeks

For those of you who don't know I got my 2nd BFP (big fat positive) on April 25th. I'm pregnant!! I immediately called the dr and schedule blood work. On April 29th my Hcg levels were 537 and on May 1st they were 2000+. They were only suppose to double in 48 hours and instead they tripled! My last pregnancy my levels were only 268 at 5 weeks, when I miscarried.



So its official, I am 6 weeks pregnant today. I couldn't be more happy, scared, excited and overwhelmed all at the same time. Eveything seems to be going better this time around. I'm experiencing many symptoms, mood swings, very sore breasts, bloating, fatigue, a stretching or discomfort feeling in my pelvic region & m/s (morning sickness) here and there. We continue to pray for the best, a healthy & happy girl...I mean baby. :-) So I'm alittle bias but I seriously just want a healthy baby.



My first OB appointment is tomorrow and possibly our first ultrasound (u/s). I have many questions so hopefully the dr won't be rushing out the door like the orthopedic drs do downstairs (work joke).