4th BFP in 1 year

As most of you know, I got my 4th BFP in 1 year. I tested 3 times since Thursday and the line keeps getting darker which reassures me! SEE....I'm positive this time around but it also scares me because I felt this way during my pregnancy with my blighted ovum. So please send some positive vibes our way, we are totally approaching this pregnancy with caution. Its so hard not to get our hopes up!!



So yesterday Mike and I went down to the WVU vs Marshall game. We had a great time. Thought I would post some pics. Professional player for Seahawks from WVU, Owen Schmidt showed up at the game which was really nice to see he hasn't forgotten about us! WE LOVE OWEN!! Still sporting his mohawk. Just a little backround...Owen was a walk on 4-5 years ago who broke 11 face masks during his college career. Check out a clip on youtube from one of his last games last year. My husband is wearing off on me way too much. Don't ya think? Oh well...he said Owen is one of his all time favorite players so I better know all that I know about him.

Here is another photo of Mike and I. It was starting to rain so I got my rain gear on quickly. Please ignore the nice zit on my chin.

One last photo of my offensive boys Pat White #5, Noel Devine #7, & Jock Sanders #9.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!!

4th BFP....

That's right...I haven't announced it yet but I'm getting ready to at least on TTCAL. Few select people know this time around. I did go for betas yesterday they were 24 and progesterone Dr. said was a "healthy 21". WOO HOO!! ::WANTED:: STICKY DUST FOR A STICKY BABY!!!

Tested tonight...

I couldn't even wait till tomorrow. I was like OMIGOD what if I made a fool outta myself and its an evap line...I don't think it is...cuz its still there......And the waiting begins.

"For a Successful Pregnancy

Powerful is your intercession with God, Mary, for you are his mother. Tender , too, is your love for us, for you are our mother. Confidently , then, I come to you as a child, poor and needy, to seek your aid and protection. In every trial of motherhood, I beg your aid. For the grace of a happy delivery, I come to you. For your holy assistance in guarding and directing each tiny soul with which God entrusts me, I call to you. In every sorrow that comes to me in my motherhood, I confide in you.

That I may have strength to bear cheerfully all the pains and hardships of motherhood, I lean on you. That the sweetness of motherhood may not through my neglect be embittered in later years by pains of regret, I trust in you.
That the will of God may always be fulfilled in me through each act of my motherhood, little and great, I beg your aid. Never forsake me dear Mother, my hope, my consolation, my confidence, and my trust, but ever be at my side to aid and protect me, your needy child. Amen.
Mother of Love, of Sorrow, and of Mercy, Pray for us!"

For more prayers
click here.

Symptoms continued

1) I'm starving and I just made myself a decent dinner.

2) I had a wave of nausea this morning and was this close {pinching my fingers about an inch apart from each other} to running to the bathroom.

3) I'm tired and its 5:45. I'm ready for a nap.

4) My BB's are ready to get outta this stinkin bra and be FREE!

5) I'm in a funk. Mike can confirm that my mood is....crappy.

6) I'm bloated...from the time I eat lunch to the time I get to bed my lil stomach pouch is sticking out.

7) I might have POAS today and it may have looked like this:



Maybe evap line...not really sure...its super faint but these tests are white when negative, no mistaking if its a BFN thats for sure. I'm not getting my hopes up. Went for betas this tonight...we'll see what they are. I'm only on CD 28 and ovulated some where in the beginning of last week. I hope this isn't the start of another CP. Do you see it or am I just crazy??

Plan: Test again tomorrow on another hpt from Early Pregnancy Tests on the net.

My "symptoms"

1) Tired

2) Hungry

3) Peeing more (not too much, but waking up and having to pee like a race horse)

4) My tummy is grumbling...

5) BB's are tender but not too sore

6) Blah & irritated....but thats pretty normal...HA HA

I don't see a BFP around the corner any time soon.

Why in the 2WW....

are we obsessed with POAS & with all the symptoms? I don't get it and it is so freakin annoying. I don't feel like this is my month but yet I had to pee on a stick today for it to tell me BFN! WHY? And why in the 2WW does my body insist that I have to pee more and insist that my boobs are swollen? Am I just imagining it or what? I would like for this crap to go away!!!

So this afternoon was my bf's baby shower. She is 35 weeks and cute as a button. I assisted in planning the shower and thought I would be fine. Honestly she is one of the only people that I'm ecstatic for that is pregnant!! I cried after I left...not because I'm jealous or bitter but because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated my body won't work. Now I'm worried for when the baby arrives. How will I feel? How will I act? It makes me want to cry now. :-( So damn frustrating. I left feeling like someone was sitting on my chest...and ready to have a panic attack. I hate that. I calmed down after I stopped at my Grandfather's grave on the way home. Some days that is what gets me through that my angels are up above with my Opa watching over us. Or at least I hope.

I really like the prayers I shared with everyone yesterday. The first one starts out almost morbid. But has a very good message and brings me great comfort to read

"Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth".

Moving on....let me tell you that I have be offered and accepted a new position at a new clinic. As many of you know I have been unhappy for awhile. My new position is as a PTA still but I will be transferring to a private practice out patient physical therapy clinic. I have been given the opportunity to start a program that will allow me to rehab dancers. I work ZERO weekends ZERO holidays. My benefits are completely paid for except dental & vision. Did I mention I will be also getting a $3500 raise? When you figure benefits into it thats $5500!!

Anyways....I'm happy but sad to be leaving some great people. I will miss a lot of co-workers but I feel its time to move on...I don't need this added stress in my life!!! I just pray I'm making the right decision and will like my job just as much if not better. I'm very nervous that my boss will flip when I hand him my resignation letter tomorrow. I don't think he has a clue and is going to take this very personally...which maybe he should....but he has to understand I'm doing whats best for my family and I at this point in time.

I have tried to make this decision based purely on pro's and con's and not include the "personal drama" at work in my decision. Hopefully my intuition was right.

Prayers

I originally wanted to discuss my job and focus on the good that is going on right now. But during my normal routine of checking out other blogs I came across Vivian's post that really touched me. I'm so grateful that she posted this because I had wondered if there was a Patron Saint for Miscarriages and sure enough there is....Saint Catherine of Sweeden and Saint Catherine of Siena. Vivian is in limbo right now and I ask that God Bless her, her husband, & little one growing inside her right now. That she will have & see a healthy baby at her next doctor appt.

Please pray with me for all of those who have experienced a miscarriage, still birth or those who have chosen to terminate their pregnancies due to health reasons. This goes out to all the TTCAL nesties, these prayers are for all of us!!!

My Lord, the baby is dead !Why, my Lord – dare I ask why ? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face – it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord ?“Why, My child – do you ask ‘why’ ? Well, I will tell you whyYou see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool – forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.-Mother M. Angelica.

Dear God,People ask me how I am coping. I’ve learned to smile in company.I’ve learned to appear calm and even relaxed. But this is not the real me.It is a person that I watch going through the motions of living. Inside, I’m still screaming, or else I’m just numb. Sometimes the ache is so strong that my whole body is racked with pain. The pain and the questions are often bound up together. Why did I have to miscarry (again) ?The questions chase around inside my mind. I feel there ought to be answers. I feel I am owed some explanations.Yet no explanations come, and there seems to be nowhere to go to find any. You alone know the reasons for our loss.Help me to accept your mysterious ways and your divine plan for me, which may differ from my human hopes and dreams. Help us to understand that at the very heart of the universe there is not despair but hope, not evil but a God of love. Amen.

If you are interested in prayers and/or reading more on the website I got these prayers off ofclick here.

World = upside down

So I feel like my life has been turned upside down in the past year and someone continues to shake the shit outta it. ::Sigh:: This is not how I wanted to feel going into the weekend. I'm miserable. I literally want to go curl up in a ball in bed bawl my eyes out and fall asleep and not wake up until this nightmare is over. I feel like nothing is stable in my life and I have no control over it. I only have control over myself, but its funny I don't even have control over that, at least not my own body or I would have a baby. I would be a mother to a 1 month old, I would be 5 months pregnant, or I would be 6 weeks pregnant.

So here's my day......my usual shit at work and then one of my best friends at work texts me and told me she had some good news and bad news. BTW, this is my next door neighbor. She tells me they are moving but staying in town. Now before you judge me....I'm upset because her 5 y.o. daughter told us 2 weeks ago. She told me they've had the key and have been fixing it up since Monday since they signed the papers. That they didn't want anyone to know until it was final. Its now Friday, and she is telling me. I'm disappointed. I totally know she needs to do what is right for her and her family but....her daughter told me and she didn't want to tell me face to face because she thought I would cry and than she would.

If this is the first time you are reading my blog please note I AM AN ONLY CHILD. I realize I can be selfish and I obviously don't want my best friend to move. I swear some days she is the only reason I'm sane. I don't handle change well. I've moved 2 times in my lifetime. Once when I was 3 and then when I was 21 moving in with DH.

To make matters worse I was upset this afternoon at work about this and got a text from my boss after I left why I was upset and he thought it had to do with him. Yadda Yadda Yadda. It has turned into a texting war for almost 2 hours now about work. After I wrote that we could talk about this Monday and I wanted to enjoy my weekend.

I can't keep this up!! I really can't!!

Am I a Pro at this?

I dunno...I feel I should be more bummed about my 3rd loss. I can't decide if I'm becoming a Pro and now know what to expect or if I'm just numb. I feel I should be more bummed because I lost another child. My body cannot sustain a damn pregnancy. WTF? I feel I should be angry and some days I am. I feel like I should have cried more over my loss but at the same time...I can't change the past, I can only change the future. And crying sure in the hell won't change anything. Don't get me wrong, I still cry to let my frustrations out but I know it won't change what has happened. I know praying will not bring my babies back but I still pray that God will bless us with a beautiful family here on Earth.

Who am I? I wish I could be that positive at work. As you all know work sucks!! Its an awful situation that I have no idea how to handle. I've tried and have been ignored. I have tried to be quite about it but I can't. Mike is sick of me venting every night when I get home. I guess my only options are to A) Talk to my boss again or B) find a new job. Its so hard. This decision would be much easier if we didn't have the financial situation that we did (thank you X & Y for cutting Mike's salary 30%, bastards) and if I didn't start my own dance studio. Hopefully I can find a job that is willing to let me work M-F 7-4 or 8-5. :::Crossing my fingers & toes::: cuz I don't know how much more I can take of my current job. I love the people I work with, almost every single one but this circumstance just isn't right. And I can't stand for it. My patients are affected by it, I'm affected by it, others are, it just isn't right!! I hate that this is happening!

Other than work or TTC that leaves my dance studio. Its going well for just getting it up and started. I have 7 students, possibly 8 by next week. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but its a start for being a part time job. I have to let word of mouth travel and advertise my butt off when I can.

So that's it for now...

Course of action

So..FINALLY I got to sit down with my Dr. and ask where we go from here. My Dr. is a very compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. Which is very helpful in this frustrating process. He, however, is very conservative and does not rush into anything. Which in some ways is good, in other ways it can be more frustrating.

At our appointment we discuss the next step in this process. The one diagnostic test we did not do is a sonohysterogram. A sonohysterogram is a vaginal u/s that uses a saline solution to enhance your uterus. It can detect abnormalities such as fibroids, pylops, scar tissue, or abnormalities of your uterine lining. The RE believes nothing will come of this u/s but wants to rule everything out.

We will not have the u/s until next cycle, hopefully beginning of October. I am to call as soon as AF arrives and the u/s needs to occur before ovulation. However, we are NOT putting off TTC this month. Yes, this risks another m/c but we are willing to take that risk at this point. Why continue to wait?

We also discussed whether progesterone was a problem and he said that he does not believe so. My progesterone dropped very quickly with Baby #3 because my hcg was dropping. Hcg therefore controls progesterone, or is at least suppose to. That's not to say that I don't have a luteal phase defect. So we'll see what the sonohysterogram says and go from there. The next step would be Clomid, at least in my mind.

Hopefully, we will become pregnant with our sticky baby this cycle and not have to worry about it. But I'm glad we have a course of action finally!!! Please continue to pray for us!!!

The last thing the RE did was look me in the eye and ask "putting all the physical stuff a side, how are you?" I told him for the most part I was still pretty numb. I told him we were prepared for the worst this time and not that it isn't devastating each time it happens but in a sense it is easier, I don't get my hopes up and I know what to expect emotionally and physically. It meant a lot for him to ask me this. He definitely heard that I was upset about my other appt because he said this u/s will be schedule with me and no one else.

Other than that...my first creative movement class was last night. Only 2 girls showed up but I was still thankful for that. I was a little discouraged afterwards but Mike said "ya know you only started this company a month ago" and he's right. I can't expect to have 5 girls in each class especially since this is not my full time job. So that made me feel better. Well I'm off to go have dinner and get some rest. I haven't been sleeping the greatest.

RE appt SUCKED!

I think I've cried the hardest I've ever cried today. I think I sobbed the hardest I've ever sobbed before all thanks to a shitty appt at my RE's office.

I go in today to my RE's office (its at a local hospital combined with L&D) and sat with a bunch of pregnant women and a family who was awaiting the arrival of a new grandchild. After about 20 minutes, they called me back, drew my blood and had me wait in an exam room. The dr came in (obviously wasn't my dr who I was expecting to see) looked at my chart and said something to the effect of "So by the looks (as he was looking through my chart) you are experiencing a m/c. Have you had any before?" I replied "two prior to this." He said "Well we'll see what your levels are by this afternoon and if they are negative go ahead and make an appt with Dr. D."

Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell did I drive over here and pay a co-pay for you to refer me back to my Dr? Why the hell did you make me sit in the waiting room full of pregnant woman for all this shit? Its torture seeing all the pregnant bellies and me here who has 3 angels now. You would think & I expected to have an appt to talk about my options. Even if it wasn't my Dr. at least he could have talked to mine and have been on the same page. It doesn't take that long! I wanted an action plan not, "oh...well see your Dr."

I just got off the phone with my Dr's nurse who was really sweet and got me an appt for thurs @ 10 but I'm still so upset, I started bawling like a baby on the phone. I explained that I was expecting some plan not necessarily answers but something. These dr's should be on the same page if they are in the same practice. She comforted me and said that these appts aren't made to discuss those things. They are just to discuss if you have any issues or problems. Well for goodness sakes he didn't ask me a damn thing! Except if I had prior m/c. HELLO! Look at my chart before you step foot in the door. Oh and to top it off, he asked "How are your spirits holding up?" How the fuck do you think my spirits are Doc? GET A GRIP!

So now I have to take more time off work Thursday morning and I have to WAIT till Thursday to even hear of a plan...who knows if they'll do any testing or anything that day. I'm not happy, not happy at all. In fact I'm a miserable bitch at this point.