35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!

No Man....to shutting down....

Sorry...its been awhile since I last posted. Things are a little crazy right now. I've been sick and even though I feel better I still have a lovely cough. AF was roaring its ugly head as well. Thank goodness AF is over...10 more days until....well you can figure it out.


So...quick update...Saturday I spent the day cleaning and recovering from this awful chest cold that seems to be lingering even after a course of antibiotics. Sunday proved to be a much more interesting day. But before I go into that let me give a little history lesson about Mike & Jess. My Dad and grandparents raised me in the Catholic church. My mom was raised Lutheran. Mike was never baptised but his parents and him attended a Methodist church when he was little. Most of his friends were Catholic growing up and he attended many masses with his friends. When Mike and I got engaged Mike converted to Catholicism. Which I never expected him to do. I just wanted to be married in the Catholic church.


So Sunday Mike & I woke up early to go to early mass. Some how we got on the topic of Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice. OH! I know how...Mike recently researched the difference between the groups and came across a Catholic site which clearly expressed its views as well, that Mike was not in agreement with. But anyway....we were on this discussion and he brought to my attention that Pro-Life is now stating that NO ONE should be able to have an abortion. While Pro-Choice is now on the side that many do not support abortion as birth control but do view some abortions necessary such in the case of rape, incest or if the mother's life is at risk, etc.....I was blown away by this new info. I always consider myself Pro-Life but I do not agree with their current views nor the Catholic church's current views. I was highly upset when Mike pointed out that in the Catholic church's eye I had an abortion with my D&E. It made me angry...angry that MEN of all people in the Vatican have devised all these "laws"!! I stand behind when I say NO MAN will ever understand the emotional pain I have been through during & after my miscarriages, including these men of God! Thought I would just point this out....because I was unaware. Mike was also disgusted with how the Pro-Lifers represented themselves on their websites while Pro-Choicers were very factual on their websites. He did give the Catholic church credit though in the way they explained themselves.

Anyway at church the homily was an interesting one. It was about fear and trusting God with your fears. Father, gave a funny story (I'm not sure if its fictional or not) that this religious woman got on a plane to travel to the holy land. It was her first time traveling by air. As she fastened her seat belt she closed her eyes and didn't open them until they were at cruising altitude. She looked out the window just as one of the engines was falling off, she started screaming "oh my God we are going to die!" Flight attendants quickly attended to her and tried to calm her down. They tried telling her that they could safely fly back with just 3 engines but that did not satisfy her. She kept yelling "oh my God we are going to die!" They also try to calm her down and brought 4 bishops. She cried out "I rather there be 3 bishops and 4 engines!" I thought it was rather cute and tried to apply what father was telling me to my own life. Sure I am afraid of spiders and heights all which I can trust in God. However, the fear of never having my own biological family scares the crap outta me along with having more m/c and I'm having a hard time placing that in God's hands.

I am still looking into a dance studio. I have a budget set up with price quotes from flooring specialists, barres, mirrors, etc...I have also met with a realtor at a local plaza, which was very helpful and eye opening. But if I do open up I would def like to open in this plaza for various reasons but no point in getting into that now until it happens.

Lately I feel very under appreciated at work. My boss is a great guy and a great work spouse. But he is overly frustrating on a lot of days! Being the boss he has a lot of responsibilities which I understand and have to cover for him, treating our patients, writing notes, and the list goes on and on while he's attending his boss duties. Sometimes he doesn't think though and does it at the worst times and I feel like he leaves me stranded. He has a lot on his plate I know...but...but....maybe I should just stop complaining.

So work hasn't been an enjoyment lately and I'm at the point that I'm tired of hearing patients b!tch and complain like I have nothing at all to complain about. They've had o-p-t-i-o-n-a-l surgery, they chose to get their knee replaced, no one forced them into it and they expect it to be healed in a week! HELLO, are people idiots or are the doctors for not explaining the extent of surgery? GRR! I'm just sick of the mentality of these patients, some days it drives me nuts.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is God's plan? If he doesn't want me to have children just yet and wants me to use the gift that he has given me to start my own dance studio. I've always loved this quote:

"What you do is God's gift to you, what you make of it is your gift to God."

Today was a very off day for me....maybe this week has been. I feel as if I've been shutting down like I go through the emotions, my head is spinning with thought (babies, dance, house, etc..) but I'm not up for communicating with anyone. Does that make sense? This is mainly at work. I mean one minute I'm talkative and the next I don't want to be bothered. I'm not up for sharing personal information except with one or two people. I'm just usually very open & share personal detail like what's been going on in life, etc...but I just shut down and want to get the heck out of there.

I once again today was reminded that I would be almost 1 month away from my due date with Baby #1. I walked out into our front office and there our pregnant woman is sitting with a co-worker of mine on her knees rubbing her belly!!! SLAP 1! The pregnant woman has also been complaining of some back issues and my PT that I work with offered to help just like he does with everyone while I'm left treating our other patients. But they start talking about adding her baby girl to her insurance and its just like damn shut the #&^@ up! Slap 2! I don't understand any reasons for shutting down. <--sarcasm!

This week my Rav-4 is being repaired and I have a Nissan Murano which I have fallen in love with!!! I don't want my car back! My total damage is now totalling closer to $2700!! Thank God for insurance!!

Question answered....

AF has arrived today, 30 days after D&E! Let the celebration begin! Not only that, I have received bills in the mail for the chromosonal testing after my D&E and got the results today. They were normal....however, I'm very disappointed that this is all the testing that was done! I am scheduled the 3rd of July to see a specialist. Looks like that puts us around sex week. LOL. Oh well....I can't believe that I'm excited over getting AF...I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I'm happy though because this means Mike & I can TTC (take 3)! A fresh start.


PS If you don't see me around...our computer is down, thanks to a virus! This post is coming from Dr. Mike's office computer!

Sick, AF, pg...who knows

So today is 1 month since my D&E. Needless to say it hasn't been a smooth road and has had many bumps along the way. Which I expected and would be a fool not to expect. However, I'm losing my "filter" its officially off and I'm not holding back as you can tell in my previous post.

So this past week I've felt very off. After treatment for my whiplash (from my car accident June 6th) on Monday I became very achy. I see a chiropractor (who I've seen since I was 15, up until I met my husband) and a massage therapist, who gives one hell of massage! So I've been very achy, tired the past 2 days, gassy (told you...lost the filter), irritated and just very blah. My typical AF symptoms....oh yea and my boobs were def hurtin pups on Monday when I was laying prone (on my belly) receiving my massage. However, I also have had these same symptoms in both of my pregnancies when I thought AF was around the corner.

So is it possible? Sure. Mike and I haven't really been trying but we are not, not trying. Selfish? Maybe, but one doctor said we could TTC right away and another told us to wait a cycle. I'm not getting my hopes up...I'm ok if it doesn't happen but I'm sure I will be disappointed when AF does show up.

So this morning I woke up with a blasted sore throat and felt down right shitty all day. So maybe I'm just getting sick. Who knows! Its annoying though....Bring on the wait for AF..... :::sigh::: .....please be around the corner so Mike and I can TTC again!

More stupid people

So Monday morning at approx. 7:15 a co-worker of mine says to me, "we missed you on Saturday! Why didn't you come?" She was referring to another co-workers surprise baby shower, the one who is a week ahead of where I would be with Baby #1. I replied "Name, I had my second m/c 3 weeks ago. I wasn't about to torture myself." I had told her about my first but not about my 2nd. She felt really bad and was very apologetic. Great way to start off Monday morning!

And to make it even better Heather who hosted the baby shower heard it all. Today she tells me that she asked her why she didn't tell her about my m/c. Heather told her it wasn't her place and it wasn't something I wanted in the local paper to be announced. This same co-worker went to another co-worker and said I feel so bad for saying something to Jess and proceeded to tell her what happened. Of course this other co-worker (what we are up to 6, now??) had no idea of the situation either. I was livid. Are you kidding me? Yes I told her, not because I wanted a pity party, but because it was the truth. What sense is it to lie to people? I'm not going to hide because I've m/c. I'm not ashamed. But c'mon did she really need to go tell someone else? I don't get it.

So that was just to reiterate how stupid people are. F@*&ing stupid!!! So...in other news...I went to Richie's dance recital over the weekend, not once but twice. Show was pretty good! I'm impressed with the group of good dancers, many who I taught growing up. Which leads me to say that I am seriously looking into all my options. We are even looking into commercial property and getting a feel for how much $ per square foot. So I'm excited and glad to be focusing energy else where.

5 Questions, 5 Answers

I've been tagged by Kristin. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

At the end of the post, the player then tag people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


1. What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago....I was 14, about to become a freshmen in high school...I was entering the best years of my life!


2. Five things on my to do list for today: It's late in the day...get some rest so I feel better, spend time with Mike & look at my studio proposal.


3. Snacks I enjoy right now: Tastey cakes, nuts (you sicko), gold fish crackers, & chips


4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: GO SHOPPING!!! Buy all the clothes, shoes, purses and accessories I wanted! Buy a house to fit all of my clothes. Buy Mike a Corvette, a Highlander and an Audi TT for me. Reinvest of course, donate to charity (especially animal shelters), quit my job, take a cruise around the world, travel the world again and see the places we missed. Give some money to our parents & close friends. Did I forget anything?? Oh! Have all the testing in the world to figure out this m/c BS! hehe


5. Places I have lived: only in Central PA, Middletown & Camp Hill


I decided that I won't tag anyone but if anyone is bored....here is a short questionnaire to fill out.

PS My hubby is so good to me. While our computer is getting fixed he hooked the lap top up. :-) Thanks babe!!!

Stupid People

Are people really that f$(*ing stupid? Oh wait....yes they are! ARGH! Why?? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut? Is it really that hard?

Just when I think I'm doing good and trying to focus my energy else where I have a complete melt down! It started off at the grocery store this morning when I was checking out...I walked past a customer who was in a self check out register to get to a free one and I saw him staring (couldn't miss it) and he whistled at me. WTF? It's 6:45 AM, I just got outta the shower 30 minutes ago and your whistling at me like I'm a dog? Do guys really think this is necessary or that it turns us on? Newsflash to any guy out there who might be reading this: IT DOESN'T!

Then around 10:30ish an employee from our company that works at a different clinic shows up who I very much dislike. It takes a lot for me not to like someone as much as I do her. So I figured for once she would just ignore me but nooooo. She says something along the line of "where are the babies" while pointing to my stomach. "Aren't you trying?" I think I tuned her out right about there as my heart sank into my stomach. It was harmless small talk & she has no idea of my history but at the same time it sent my world crashing down. Talk about disliking a person even more.

About 45 minutes later, one of my co-workers ticked me off and I became very angry! I left for lunch...went shopping for an outfit for tonight and was just stamping around in the mall with a pissed off look on my face, I'm sure. My boss (who is the PT I work with, I'm a PTA & we are grouped on teams. We joke that we are work spouses, so we are fairly close) had sent me a text because he stopped me on my way out for lunch and asked if I was ok and I told him I was fine or that I would be fine (can't remember which). He hates the word fine...and he asked if it was what so & so at work did? And I replied "Yes that's part of it but what so & so said was awful!" He agreed and I walked past him and said "I'm just mad!" He knew I wanted to be left alone after that. So...he apologized to me and asked if there was anything he could do. And I said "I wish I just had the courage to tell people I have 2 babies in heaven" and I started bawling...I lost it....I couldn't be that rock any more. I've had an incredible amount of strength this time around....but now...I feel as if I lost it. He sent me home after I got back and we talked, which was really nice because I was not in the mood to deal with people at all. I had no patience for stupid people!! I lost it all this morning!!

Well at least I'll look cute in the new outfit I bought at the mall for the dance recital tonight!! LOL

Focusing my energy else where

So...hopefully I can make this quick because Mike wants to spend some time with me tonight.

Quick update from Friday (day from hell): Saturday Mike and I went up to his parents camper at Eagles Point in Lebanon County. My SIL & BIL have a camper beside my ILs as well. So I wasn't really looking forward to it, we had an hour drive with 3 rather large dogs & I had to spend time with my ILs. Don't get me wrong I love my IL's but Mike's sister can drive me up a wall at times. (May write about it later when I have more time.) However, despite my pessimistic attitude we ended up having a great time! The dogs behaved, my SIL & MIL didn't say too many inappropriate things...so it was a nice time had by all.

On to my main topic....Mike and I had a huge discussion up to the campground about me opening a dance studio or starting a strengthening & condition program for dancers. For those of you who don't know I spent 17 years of my life dedicated to dancing, 5 spent teaching. I gave it up half way into college for personal reasons. There isn't a day goes by that I don't miss it and wish I would have stuck with it. So we talked about what I would need and a business plan. We are considering our options at this time. My dream since I was 15, was to combined my love of dance and love of rehab into one...now I may get to do this. We've been sitting down going over logistics (possible partnership, location, start up cost, rent, taxes...all that fun stuff) and I really hope that we can pull this off.

I'm also excited because the studio I use to dance at has its yearly recital this weekend. I'm going to see the show tomorrow with a co-worker. Saturday I'm meeting up with a group of girls I use to dance & teach with (most who have all quit for similar reasons) that also have an interest in starting our own studio. I hope they will be willing and interested to help. I'm actually excited for what the future may hold......and for once I'm ok that it doesn't have to involve a baby, but it would be a nice addition! :-P

Mike's right....I always need something to focus & dedicate (or just obsess) my time to. I will put my heart and soul into this.....

Memories...

I was on one of my nestie boards, reading a post and remembered one of the only things that seemed to comfort me most during my first m/c.

One day it hit me :::SMACK::: (in the face almost) that my baby was up in heaven sitting next to my grandfather. It was then that I found peace. I have tears in my eyes as I think about this moment and now picture two of my angels in heaven with my grandfather. The tears begin to flow....but at the same time I find this soothing.

My grandfather passed away in September 2005, 6 weeks after we found out he had brain cancer. He had been going through bouts of chemo for 2 years prior, to kill the tumor on his lung and adrenal gland. He was the first person that I was close to, that passed away. It was painful, to think that I would never see, or hear him again. He was always someone I looked up to. He survived a concentration camp in WWII after a paper work mix up and came to this country after to start a new life for himself and my grandma. He was the first to graduate college in my family, I was the second. I grieved for months after he passed away and miss him terribly but one thing that I do have is memories.

That's one thing I will not have with my angels in heaven. Sure I have the memory of being pregnant, but I have no actual memories of my babies. I never saw them even on u/s, I never heard them cry, I never held them, I never smelled them, I never touched their soft skin, I will never know who they looked like or who they took after.........all these nevers SUCK! It pains me.

I love you Pop-Pop and I love you, my precious angels!!!

PS

If anyone is interested besides the great support I have recieved on the pregnancy lost board on the nest, I would like to share the Reproductive Immunology support board on Yahoo that is hosted by Jane Reed, a former patient of Dr. Beers.

One last thing...I have moved onto reading, "Coming to Term" by Jon Cohen. So I will review that book once I've finished. :-)

"Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?"

So obviously I didn't get to even start my book "review" like I wanted to last post. So here it goes...."Is Your Body Baby-Friendly?" is a great book for those who want to understand the possibilities of what could go wrong in the immune system that contributes to recurrent m/c's, unexplained infertility, and recurrent IVF failure. Warning: It's not a super easy book to read because of all the medical jargon.

Dr. Beer, who has since passed away after the book was written, has over 25 year's experience dealing with unexplained pregnancy lost, IVF failures, and infertility. The drawback is many Ob/Gyn's find his practice and research controversial and many have labeled him as a "quack" or "money hungry". I hafta disagree. I find when things are controversial (let's eliminate politics because we all know it will always be controversial) its because we (generalizing everyone) don't know enough about the topic. Take for example chiropractors (since I'm married to one)...how often are they called quacks by people who never saw one or those who have an overall misunderstanding about what they really do? Sure there are quacks out there, but in every field.

Unfortunately, Ob/Gyn's do NOT study the immune system in full, only an immunologist has full knowledge, and yes their are reproductive immunologists out there, Dr. Beer was one of them and his practice continues on in California. We hear the same cliches (ie...Keep on trying, your still young, 3 m/c's are normal)over and over again from our Ob/Gyn's or even our RE's because they don't know what is wrong even after running all the tests they know of. Some even make up the excuse, "well your uterus is tilted" or "your too old" and its just not the cause. It's not their fault that they don't know since this is a relatively new idea and new research but at the same time it is their responsibility to help their patients and better their selves as physicians by reading and understanding research.

Some Interesting Facts:
- "Thrombophilia is found in approximately 2/3 of women with unexplained pregnancy lost." (pg. 48)
- Thrombophilia can be associated with conditions such as preeclampsia, intrauterine fetal death, low amniotic fluid level, m/c, premature labor, and stillbirth.
- "Up to 30% of women who repeatedly m/c or are infertile test positive for antiphospholipid antibodies (APA). (The percentage is higher for women who have failed 3 or more IVF cycles.)" (pg. 52)
- APA's make implantation & cell division very difficult, however if those things do occur often the heartbeat will be found at 6-7 weeks but then stops around 8-10 weeks. :-(
-ANA's (antinuclear antibodies) which attack cell's DNA, "are found in approx. 30% of women with recurrent m/c and in 20% infertile." (pg. 61)
- Things such as allergies, depression, anxiety, allergies to your husband's sperm, your spouse's DNA may be all too similar to yours, IBS, PCOS, diabetes, undetected thyroid issues, obesity, migraines (and so on), may all affect your immune system and your chances of conceiving or carrying to term.
- Dr. Beer has observed, "women with chronic hives have the strongest allergies that make pregnancy difficult." (pg. 86)
- Women who have difficulty conceiving or suffer early pregnancy losses may have low serotonin levels which may lead to "restricted blood flow through the vessels and capillaries of the uterus which can disrupt the early stages of pregnancy. Low serotonin levels can also accompany the myraid of health problems that women often experience alongside reproductive failure." (pg. 104)
- "If a mother has untreated autoimmune problems before she conceives, there is an eight-fold greater likelihood that her child will suffer from hyperactivity, autism, or attention deficit disorder." (pg. 123)

Dr. Beer in this book also lists comprehensive immune testing and gives normal ranges for each test and treatment for abnormalities. Somewhere, (I didn't mark the page of course!) it says that if you continue to have recurrent losses, your immune system may only worsen with each loss. The book also includes inspirational stories of patients who have undergone some of Dr. Beer's treatments, along with a section written by Zita West on diet and toxins to our babies, which i found a lot of good info. Looks like I may be buying her book next. :-)

I hope that if you are struggling with unexplained infertility, m/c or IVF failure that I have provided you with some hope and courage to venture onto other avenues and not settle for anything but answers.

Also please remember this is only my opinion and I have not meant to upset anyone by what I've written. I only wanted to share some knowledge I have gained through this book!

After reading this book my intuition tells me there is something wrong with my immune system. I've suffered from allergies all my life, with little or no relief from treatment ranging to allergy shots & meds. I know I have a weak immune system because I am prone to sinusitis 3-5 times a year (under went sinus surgery when I was 11). From all my sinus infections, I've found out that I'm allergic to about 8 different antibiotics. Six years ago I was diagnosed with depression (mainly seasonal) and anxiety issues. My family medical history includes: heart disease, RA, and possible signs of lupus. :::sigh:::

Well, we aren't making any further decisions until Mike and I hear the test results from my D&E which was now 2 1/2 weeks ago. Only 2 1/2 more weeks until I should hear something. If the tests are inconclusive, positive (for anything), or simply not good enough (because I'm not sure what tests are being performed) I am seeking a 2nd opinion and possibly scheduling with a RE or looking into a RI.

So looks like we will be waiting at least 1 or maybe 2 cycles to TTC Baby #3. Which I have debated over and over in my head and there simply is no good answer since every doctor's opinions differ from another. Which frustrates me to all hell. I deal with this every day even in my profession of physical therapy but I can't seem to grasp how opinions can be so different when we are talking about conceiving life! Physical therapy, sure....everyone including Dr. protocols (based on the procedure had) is treated differently by a team of PT's & PTA's. The treatment may vary but usually the end result is the same, a happy patient who has returned to full function.

Now that I've manage to some how work this subject in....let's look at it. A patient injures their knee, or back, or shoulder (doesn't matter in this example, nor does it matter how) and sees there PCP, who generally sends them to a specialist because injuries are not their specialty. The patient sees an orthopedic physician who proceeds with a bunch of testing (such as x-ray, MRI, bone scan, etc...) diagnoses them with....oh I dunno...pick something....a rotator cuff tear. Depending on the severity of the tear and patients function, determines the treatment. Usually surgery is required to fix the tear and even if not they end up seeing a physical therapist to rehab their shoulder. So now to compare....a patient who has suffered recurrent m/c who has been under the care of an Ob/Gyn...what's the next option to just keep on trying??

Ok this post is long enough and I thank everyone who reads this and understands anything I have just said. Hope you had a great weekend!

Just another day....

I wanted to write in my blog so bad but now that I'm on the page I keep procrastinating....

I've had an interesting 24 hours. My last patient of the day told me him and his wife were expecting...she's 3 weeks farther along than I would be and it was kind of hard for me to be happy. My heart sank, I began to wonder why me, how is this going to make me stronger, and why is it some people hardly try and they are pregnant? Moving on...we went over to a friend's house who's dad proceeded to try to convince me to take a puppy 'since I wasn't expecting yet'...yea that was lovely. Granted he doesn't have a clue what we've been through...but it still hurts.

So this morning was kinda lousy, I was extremely tired, sluggish and just not feeling well. I barely made it through the morning with a fake, half smile on my face. I was irritated for no particular reason with co-workers and for once wished for a job that didn't involve people, especially after a new patient asked if I had any children, when I replied "no not yet", my patient beside us said, "Don't do it!" I was stunned...he asked, "how old are you?" I said "24", he answered "Wait till your 34." My patient that I was working with asked how long I been married and I told her 1 year in May. So they both say, "Oh you have plenty of time, just wait and enjoy the first few years," despite my argument that my husband is 12 years older than I, I dropped it, only to feel more bitter then I was earlier in the morning.

Lunch didn't come soon enough. However, as I was leaving to go home to get some lunch someone rear ended me. Yes, that topped my day off real nice! There was no damage done to my vehicle and I'm fine...just pissed by that point in time.

Before I switch over to my book review I want to add that today is my baby sister's graduation from high school. Ok so she's really my cousin but I love her like a little sister, I never had. We both are only children and I remember the day she was born, ok I think it was the day after we went to visit but I adored her since the first time I saw her!! Anyway....Ash if you are reading this I just want to say that I'm so proud of you and I always will be! Happy Graduation!!! I love you!!!

Let it rain...or down pour

So my frustration from last night definitely carried on into today which lead to a highly emotional day.

When we were TTC Baby #2, I was told at my PCP to stop taking my allergy med and now that I'm not pg anymore my allergies are making me m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e! My head is full of sinus pressure, my throat is sore from all that yucky stuff draining, I'm sneezing all day long and my ears are clogged so I ventured off to my PCP today for a possible sinus infection and some good allergy medicine.

While I was there I decided to ask my PA-C her opinion on seeking a specialists help and when we could TTC again. Her answer was basically she said to give it a 3rd shot, and if I m/c again I should see a specialist. She also noted we could TTC when I was ready. The reason some Dr's say to wait is so your cycle becomes regular again and this way they "know" when you got pregnant (umm...ok...don't u/s measure this?). She also added that if there was a problem (I asked if Dr's have you wait so your body cleanses it self out) with the lining that the embryo would not implant and would have (I'm assuming) a chemical pregnancy without knowing it. Which makes sense to me, medically speaking. Oh did I mention, that she told me that sometimes insurance companies will not cover any fertility testing unless 3 m/c have occurred? Can you say R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S?

So Mike calls me as I'm on my way back to work and shares that he talked to the mid-wife he knows. She told him that I should wait until my tests from my D&E come back and we could go from there if that does or doesn't show anything. She also suggested waiting 1-2 cycles. I don't get it, I think the medical field is now comparable to politicians....they change their opinions weekly. Its ridiculous that there is no black and white answer on some things and that Dr's follow different protocols. GRRR....I know I work in the medical field and I have a hard time accepting this. So anyway...I guess I started questioning well why...and well don't you think...and that doesn't make any sense...why, why, why???? And Mike and I got into our latest yell fest which left me in tears. I'm just frustrated, why can't he understand??? I simply need to understand why this is happening.

Obviously, at least in my head, there is a reason...I no longer believe this is a fluke. I shouldn't have to go through 3 m/c for insurance purposes. I've actually thought about writing to some, I'm so livid. Is that even humane? I'm livid that insurance companies basically dictate how Dr's should treat their patients. Its unacceptable!

So during our yell fest, I mention something along the lines "Does a Dr let 3 people die, without knowing the cause?" Mike replies, "Don't get me started, you know we don't agree on this." So for those who are pro-life & others who are pro-choice.....even if you don't want to view egg + sperm = conception = life that's fine, BUT when egg + sperm = conception there is hope for potential life at least in a wanted pregnancy. Being pro-life myself, I don't understand when a baby becomes a baby and how anyone can decide that. Any pro-choicers want to take a stab at this? Some babies have survived mid 20 weeks of gestation, correct? Sorry I struggle with this political debate. I understand that it is a women's right to chose and I respect that, but I can't agree with it, especially after everything I've been through! Don't get me wrong in extremely rare cases I totally understand...ie unhealthy pregnancy, mother's life is in danger, rape or incest. :::SIGH:::

What do I do? Where do I go from here? Will he ever understand? I'm not sure....but I do know I feel better after getting this off my chest.

Depressing...

I realized that I could be 7+ months pregnant getting ready to deliver in the beginning of August (Yes, I did stop counting the weeks, eventually) or I could be 9 1/2 weeks pregnant due at the end of December. What a crappy thing to think at work!!


I'm struggling tonight. I continue to read about immune issues and do more and more research and I just don't know what the next step is. After reading and almost completing "Is your body baby friendly?" I truly believe that we may have an immune issue or issues on our hands. You can learn more about the author, Dr. Alan Beers by clicking here. From the looks on the internet this shit isn't covered by insurance which makes me depressed. We don't have thousands of dollars laying around. But at the same time I feel we need to find answers. I want answers, I'm just not sure how to get them. I'm a mommy wanna be!


I'll leave with a quote I found, "No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we knew it, and only God knows why."