35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!

Memories...

I was on one of my nestie boards, reading a post and remembered one of the only things that seemed to comfort me most during my first m/c.

One day it hit me :::SMACK::: (in the face almost) that my baby was up in heaven sitting next to my grandfather. It was then that I found peace. I have tears in my eyes as I think about this moment and now picture two of my angels in heaven with my grandfather. The tears begin to flow....but at the same time I find this soothing.

My grandfather passed away in September 2005, 6 weeks after we found out he had brain cancer. He had been going through bouts of chemo for 2 years prior, to kill the tumor on his lung and adrenal gland. He was the first person that I was close to, that passed away. It was painful, to think that I would never see, or hear him again. He was always someone I looked up to. He survived a concentration camp in WWII after a paper work mix up and came to this country after to start a new life for himself and my grandma. He was the first to graduate college in my family, I was the second. I grieved for months after he passed away and miss him terribly but one thing that I do have is memories.

That's one thing I will not have with my angels in heaven. Sure I have the memory of being pregnant, but I have no actual memories of my babies. I never saw them even on u/s, I never heard them cry, I never held them, I never smelled them, I never touched their soft skin, I will never know who they looked like or who they took after.........all these nevers SUCK! It pains me.

I love you Pop-Pop and I love you, my precious angels!!!

Baby #1

Figured I would write about my first pregnancy...I got my BFP on Nov 21st, the day before Thanksgiving and my birthday. What a wonderful birthday surprise. This was our first month TTC (trying to conceive). We thought it was fun doing it almost every day for 6 days (LOL...after TTC for 5 months we have learned that :::gasp::: it gets old) and shockingly it was fairly easy getting pregnant. I noticed that I was tired more so than usual and was having an odd crampy feeling in my pelvic region almost like it was stretching.

Approximately 13 days after finding out I was pregnant I woke up bleeding and cramping (period cramps). I called the Dr right away and went in for an u/s. I had no idea what to expect. My Dr. was very nice and explained that I might not see a hb or anything just yet secondary to me being so early. However, we saw nothing on u/s...an empty uterus. My hcg levels that day we about 260. See prepared me for the worse case scenario but I wasn't ready to accept that quite yet. This couldn't be happening to me! It was all too soon, too much to register.

I went home that day and laid on the couch just thinking about the appt over and over in my head and wondering why this was happening to me. At work the next day, a different OB called me about my blood work and told me "most likely you are miscarrying". I completely lost it! I took the next day in a half off of work for some time to myself. I was heart broken and wanted nothing to do with co-workers or patients. On Thursday my hcg levels were 230ish which confirmed I was m/c. As the week went on I was reminded every time I went to the bathroom that I was loosing our baby!

For me this is probably one of the hardest things I've had to go through. The next couple of months were an emotional roller coaster ride. It sucked and getting pg a second time proved to be much more challenging!

Right before I m/c I found out a co-worker was 1 week ahead of me which was very challenging for me. Every milestone she had, I didn't have and I was and maybe still am bitter. I would know the sex by now, be planning the nursery and choosing names, etc....I was due August 4th, 2008. I was also very bitter and resentful with any pg women and newborns to come. Its awful feeling that way but being as heartbroken as you are its only normal.

About 2 months after I m/c, a patient returned to visit with her newborn twins. I completely lost it again at this point! I could barely look at the girls, they were so tiny and precious, something I knew I wouldn't have in 7 months and who knew when I would conceive again.

Anyone who has gone through a m/c has heard all the cliches about "Oh you can try again, your still young", "It just wasn't your time, it'll happen when God wants it to happen", "It happens to 1 in 4 women"....it get old and all these cliches are painful. It doesn't matter if every women on this earth m/c, I did, and I will never get to see or hear or hold my baby! I lost my baby! No one ever looks at the guy when you said we miscarried, they look at you and you can't but help blame yourself. You'll eventually get over it and realize their was probably nothing you could have done differently to prevent this. Unfortunately everything happens for a reason, but not knowing that reason kills us.