Baby #1

Figured I would write about my first pregnancy...I got my BFP on Nov 21st, the day before Thanksgiving and my birthday. What a wonderful birthday surprise. This was our first month TTC (trying to conceive). We thought it was fun doing it almost every day for 6 days (LOL...after TTC for 5 months we have learned that :::gasp::: it gets old) and shockingly it was fairly easy getting pregnant. I noticed that I was tired more so than usual and was having an odd crampy feeling in my pelvic region almost like it was stretching.

Approximately 13 days after finding out I was pregnant I woke up bleeding and cramping (period cramps). I called the Dr right away and went in for an u/s. I had no idea what to expect. My Dr. was very nice and explained that I might not see a hb or anything just yet secondary to me being so early. However, we saw nothing on u/s...an empty uterus. My hcg levels that day we about 260. See prepared me for the worse case scenario but I wasn't ready to accept that quite yet. This couldn't be happening to me! It was all too soon, too much to register.

I went home that day and laid on the couch just thinking about the appt over and over in my head and wondering why this was happening to me. At work the next day, a different OB called me about my blood work and told me "most likely you are miscarrying". I completely lost it! I took the next day in a half off of work for some time to myself. I was heart broken and wanted nothing to do with co-workers or patients. On Thursday my hcg levels were 230ish which confirmed I was m/c. As the week went on I was reminded every time I went to the bathroom that I was loosing our baby!

For me this is probably one of the hardest things I've had to go through. The next couple of months were an emotional roller coaster ride. It sucked and getting pg a second time proved to be much more challenging!

Right before I m/c I found out a co-worker was 1 week ahead of me which was very challenging for me. Every milestone she had, I didn't have and I was and maybe still am bitter. I would know the sex by now, be planning the nursery and choosing names, etc....I was due August 4th, 2008. I was also very bitter and resentful with any pg women and newborns to come. Its awful feeling that way but being as heartbroken as you are its only normal.

About 2 months after I m/c, a patient returned to visit with her newborn twins. I completely lost it again at this point! I could barely look at the girls, they were so tiny and precious, something I knew I wouldn't have in 7 months and who knew when I would conceive again.

Anyone who has gone through a m/c has heard all the cliches about "Oh you can try again, your still young", "It just wasn't your time, it'll happen when God wants it to happen", "It happens to 1 in 4 women"....it get old and all these cliches are painful. It doesn't matter if every women on this earth m/c, I did, and I will never get to see or hear or hold my baby! I lost my baby! No one ever looks at the guy when you said we miscarried, they look at you and you can't but help blame yourself. You'll eventually get over it and realize their was probably nothing you could have done differently to prevent this. Unfortunately everything happens for a reason, but not knowing that reason kills us.