Back from Morgantown, WV

Yes, we are finally back from Mo-town. We had a fairly good time other than drama that went on at our tailgate. ::rolling my eyes:: Alcohol induced drama is always fun...only when your 20, not soon to be 40! Ok...now that I got that off my chest. I officially starting m/c Friday before we left. This may be TMI for some so don't read....I'm warning you...Friday night my cramps became pretty intense, enough that I left dinner to go buy more pads & motrin. Saturday I think I change a maxi pad 4 times and to make it even better...try doing that in a freakin port-a-potty thingy! Yea, not a pleasant experience what so ever.

Friday night my cramps became pretty intense and Saturday morning I felt as if I'd been gutted I was bleeding so bad.

So...I dunno if I'm just in denial or if I'm still numb or if going through this a 3rd time I'm consider a pro or what it is but...I dunno that I feel much of anything. Of course I'm pissed and angry but at the same time I'm just like $(&# this shit and lets move on. Or maybe I've completely given up hope. That could be it...I told my mom that its not worth praying for us because no one is listening...I said that all inbetween sobs. I don't mean it but I feel that way.

I also feel my RE better have a DAMN GOOD answer come Tuesday morning or it might be when all my emotions come out! I wanna know if he still thinks this is "a case of bad luck" still. If he does I have news for him. Anyway...my numbers should be zero...I was at 15 on Friday and my RE's partner told me "well at least its taking care of itself". WTH? Sure...great I don't have to have another D&E but jesus this is not what I want to go through once again. I've been poked and prodded that WTH is another procedure?

Thanks for all the nesties who have responded and for all your thoughts and prayers. Yes, there are days I might not show that I appreciate it but I really, really do. I wouldn't keep going without all your encouragement.

Now on another note, here are some pics from WVU.

The Fiest Bowl Trophy won against Oklahoma 48-28

My first time stepping onto Mountaineer field.

Mike & I

Let's Go..........MOUNTAINEERS! Bring on the new era of Coach Stew!

And the bleeding begins...

Mike & I are getting ready to head down to WVU for the weekend and of course the bleeding starts. 4 weeks, 5 days. F*&^ YOU BODY! I'm not looking forward to his trip nearly as much as I was but I plan to make the best of it. Mike's best friend and their wife are pregnant (just found out as well). See my post about pity party and you'll understand...that I'm just not thrilled. I don't know that I have an ounce of happiness for anyone that is pregnant right now, with a few exceptions (my nestie friend Stephanie, Niecy & Amanda & one of my very close friends Lindsay). Honest to God, that's it! Well I should be back Sunday evening and hope to update you with our trip to WVU, I'm hoping it will be more fun than I think it will be.

So...third time NOT a charm

That's right. HCG = 15 & Progesterone = 0. I sit here sobbing, bawling, and shaking. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me right now I don't know what to say...I'm numb! I can't believe I'm going through this again. I'm losing our baby for the 3rd time. WTF?

I just know...

I just know deep down inside that this is a chemical pregnancy once again. I sit here crying once again, feeling like a failure and a huge let down. I'm so disappointed. I'm so mad and I'm so sad. How can this be happening again?

I don't have the strength to keep fighting...I feel so weak right now...I have zero hope that my numbers are doubling thanks to me POAS tonight and it barely having a hint of a line.

Maybe this is my punishment for always succeeding in life up until this point. I've had it pretty easy, more easy than most. I grew up an only child because my mom had cervical cancer when I was 3 and at the young age of 30. My mom was a SAHM, while my dad worked crazy shifts as a local police officer. They some how made it work. As I grew up my parents provided me with anything I needed. School came easy to me for the most part, I succeeded in dance, and even in most sports I wasn't too shabby. My dad and I grew far apart and in my senior year of HS my parents separated when my dad was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. That's probably as dysfunctional as it has gotten for me. Ok so there were a lot more bumps and curves in the road that I will tell you some other time but I'm grateful for the most part that I've had an easy life compared to most.

I'm not a patient person either. Are you testing my patience God? I'm waving a huge white flag at the moment. Can't you see it?

Please, please, please pray for a miracle tonight! Please pray that I am wrong and that everything is right on track. I know many of you, many of my friends, many of my co-workers, and many of my family have been praying for us and I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!! I don't know what I would do without you!

Not so good news....

RE called this morning...hcg level is 38. Not so hot since my LMP was 7/22/08. However, RE asked if I knew when I ovulated and I told him that I wasn't exactly sure but somewhere around day 20ish and that my cylces have been increasing in length. Progestrone level was 12.6 which he said was not bad. So he said he is overall concerened about the viability of this pregnancy. Said my numbers should be closer to 100. However, if I ovulated that late that would make a difference. So we are hoping that I ovulated late but we are preparing for the worse at this point.



I'm holding up ok. I feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to blame someone and I want to ask God why, why aren't you listening to my prayers? What else do I need to do before I can have a child of my own here on Earth? Its frustrating....I wanna break down but at the same time I wanna be strong and hold on to hope.

So far...so good...

So I'm still pretty shocked, not sure I totally believe that I am pregnant but have plenty of symptoms to back it up. I'm anxious and nervous....the excitement hasn't kicked in and I don't think it will until my numbers are doubling. Even then I don't know that I'll be overly excited. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to stay positive because I am. I want this more than anything!

Originally I had a MRI arthrogram scheduled for my left hip today but after testing positive yesterday I canceled it. Instead I found myself upset with the nurse or receptionist or whatever she was who told me I could only have my blood drawn between 8-8:30. WTF? Its blood.work lady! Give me an F'in break. So I called back after I scheduled blood work for tomorrow and asked for the RE to personally call me because I had some questions.

He is so sweet! Within a hour he called me back. I explained my concerns and that I had a half day schedule and he said come on over. The only reason it needed to be between 8-8:30 was so we could get the same day results. I was like I don't give two shits about whether I get it today or tomorrow, its just more convenient for me today. UGH Doctors offices...I swear! Anyway...I'm hoping to have more news for ya'll tomorrow. Have a great night. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Am I imagining this?

Am I imagining this faint plus sign? Do you see it too? Right click on picture and click open link, it'll bring up a bigger picture, that way the backround will not interfere.

Want to join my pity party?

WARNING: If you are in a good mood I may ruin it, so please do NOT read further.

With that being said. I'm on CD 29 approximately O-ing 10 or so days ago. Still no AF, but plenty signs of pregnancy or AF. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm extremely exhausted (tried to even nap at work). I've had a killer HA (headache) and an achy neck. I've been peeing more than usual, starving come meal times, and after tonight you can definitely add irritability.

Good news, I signed up 3 dance students just today. :-) YAY!

Now for the long part...I've been doing really good as far as my 2 m/c's. I haven't had any really rocky days since a day before my EDD, August 6th. And even then I didn't have an emotional break down. In fact, I couldn't tell you when my last one was at least not until tonight.

So...Mike's on the phone with his best friend from college and they announced they are pregnant. Their son is 4 or 5, who took many years to have after having IVF twice. Mike got really excited and started changing our plans for WVU. [Side note: We have season tickets to WVU and enjoy going to Morgantown during the fall. We go once a year with his 2 best friends from college. Next weekend kicks off the season with Villanova and its our annual get together.] Changing our plans as far as no smokey bars, no smokey hotel rooms, etc, etc...At first I thought, "wow that's great! they went through a lot to have their son" and than my thoughts turned into sobs. I left the room and headed for the sun room, where I couldn't hear any more.

I literally began to sob and thinking Mike is never going to understand what I feel right now. He was so happy it about broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's happy but dammit when is it our turn? Why is our luck so shitty when it comes to babies? I even thought we should be changing plans for ME not for her. How selfish am I? I just cried and cried until he came out looking for me.

He asked what was wrong which just led into us fighting. Fighting because neither of us understands where each other is coming from. Mike thinks I'm living in the past because I remember our angels in heaven almost every day! I think about where I should be in my pregnancies and he thinks I should be over it. He thinks my feelings "aren't healthy" therefore meaning not normal. He says he's a realist and is living for the present and future. I continued sobbing throughout our fight, because yet again I have yet to be understood and I don't understand him. He left me cry and I'm still crying.

Sometimes all I want when I cry is to be hugged and held and reassured. I try to be strong for the most part and there are just times I need him to be my rock and hold me up, even if he doesn't understand. I need reassured that he wants a family more than anything. I need reassured positive thoughts and what I'm feeling is not completely psychotic. That it hurts him too because it doesn't seem to.

Instead I feel like a selfish bitch because he insists now on canceling our plans to WVU because I'll be miserable the entire weekend. I told him I wouldn't, that I just didn't want to share a room with just her (we did boys and girls last time we were there). God forbid she even c/o once to me about the way she is feeling. I will completely lose control. What's wrong with getting my feelings out now? I can pretend to be happy later...but I can't be myself around him that weekend now. Every time, I will c/o I'm sure he will just want me to shut up otherwise I'll be the one to ruin the weekend.

:::INSERT LOUD SCREAM HERE::: God, I wish I could!

Did I mentioned he said "it would be cool if you were both pregnant together". Right, and is it uncool if she is and I'm not? Or is that still cool? Sorry I'm shutting up now. Good night...its 8:30 once again and I'm going to bed!

Mike's making dinner....

And I feel like I'm a) going to die from starvation or b) puke from the smell of pork chops....I hate the 2WW.

BTW, I POAS (peed on a stick, *Mary Mom* ;-) that's just for you. hehe) last night...2 days early, approximately 10dpo (not really sure though) and as I was waiting I read something along the lines that its not accurate if tested before a missed period. WTH? Ohh well. In case you haven't guessed it was a big fat BFN...eh...I'll wait another day or two and test again if AF doesn't show. :::Yawn::: After dinner...I'm off to bed...yes its only 8:30.

I swear if I'm NOT pregnant this month....see how quickly my moods are changing? LOL...yes I'm picking at every little symptom that could mean AF is around the corner.

STUPID NEST

So I remain in the 2 week wait (2 WW) and the stupid nest is not working. If I'm signed in I cannot access any message boards. It forwards me back to the home page. GRRR! Of course when I have time to catch up this is what happens. Oh well....I guess I'm off to Borders to look for Angelina Ballerina books for my creative movement class (ages 3-5).

Ok well not just yet. I need to vent about the 2WW. Of course I'm analyzing every damn symptom that shows up but here goes...I already mentioned I'm tired as hell, mainly come 8:00 at night. I was craving pizza yesterday so went out with a co-worker, got my usual came back to work and was sick shortly after...no not puking but..yeah that way. (I'll just leave it at that, I'm sure you get the hint.) I've been trying to drink more water and therefore I wake up in the morning with a really bad urge to run to the bathroom, my bladder seems to fill up quickly the past few days. Yesterday and today after breakfast for about 5 minutes I felt like I was going to puke but didn't. And last night I had really sensitive nipples, bb's feel very full as well.

So is it all in my head or am I really pregnant? I don't know but this is what the 2WW is all about and it sucks! :-P

I'm still alive.....

Whew! What a crazy crazy time it has been at MrsJT's residence. Between opening my company, advertising, opening a business account, making flyers, squeezing in time to watch clips of the Olympics, working, dealing with work drama, cutting back on bills, you'd think I'd be going CrAzY by now but luckily I'm holding it all together. Things are happening so quickly, its crazy! Its good though because my attention is focused else where and not on TTC. However, I'm tired right now, at 8:00. Could be because I've been so busy, could be PMS, or could be the possibility of me being pregnant but I'm not holding my breath! AF should be here Tuesday if I have a normal 28 day cycle or at the latest Saturday. Thinking of all my nesties even though I haven't been on the boards lately. Love you all!!

EDD....came and went...

So the day before my EDD, August 5th, my co-worker who was pregnant decided to bring her bundle of joy in to show off to the clinic. Great for her...not so great for me. I was rude, I admit, but I don't know what I would have done if I even acknowledge her let alone looked at the baby. It kills me to know that I should be holding my own bundle of joy by now (or very soon). It kills me to think or at least I could be almost half way through my 2nd pregnancy. ::sigh:: I hate the thoughts sometimes!

Honestly, I was very busy yesterday to even think about it. Does that make me a horrible mother? Or am was I just denying it? Eh...either way...I got through the day without getting overly emotional. Part of the reason I think I was able to put it out of my head is that I'm about to O. Which I'm trying to stay positive that this is the cycle! The cycle that we will conceive our child that is meant for here on Earth with us.

I do have other good news....my business cards arrived today. They look great! I like them at least. I'm hopefully going to print off some brochures and schedules this Saturday so I can begin my advertising. YAY! Then it will be onto lesson plans.

Well I'm off to seduce my husband....please cheer on the swimmers! ;-)

A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this.

I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love, but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

By Stacey Dinner-Levin

*******This was posted on the nest*******

So excited........

GUESS WHAT LADIES! No, its nothing baby related yet but yes, I'm on my way to opening up my own dance studio. AAAAAAAA! <--Mary Murphy scream for any So you think you can dance lovers, like me! Ok so maybe its a few years down the road. BUT I'm officially teaching at a local ballroom studio and am bringing in ballet & jazz for beginners of all ages.

So that means this afternoon was productive and I order business cards off of vista print (new love) and made brochures and flyers to give out. Now...I have to order music on itunes, open a business tax id account thingy (that is Mike's job) and start my lesson plans. Oh and advertise....WHEW! I have a lot to do my first class begins Septemeber 7th!