So...third time NOT a charm

That's right. HCG = 15 & Progesterone = 0. I sit here sobbing, bawling, and shaking. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me right now I don't know what to say...I'm numb! I can't believe I'm going through this again. I'm losing our baby for the 3rd time. WTF?

I just know...

I just know deep down inside that this is a chemical pregnancy once again. I sit here crying once again, feeling like a failure and a huge let down. I'm so disappointed. I'm so mad and I'm so sad. How can this be happening again?

I don't have the strength to keep fighting...I feel so weak right now...I have zero hope that my numbers are doubling thanks to me POAS tonight and it barely having a hint of a line.

Maybe this is my punishment for always succeeding in life up until this point. I've had it pretty easy, more easy than most. I grew up an only child because my mom had cervical cancer when I was 3 and at the young age of 30. My mom was a SAHM, while my dad worked crazy shifts as a local police officer. They some how made it work. As I grew up my parents provided me with anything I needed. School came easy to me for the most part, I succeeded in dance, and even in most sports I wasn't too shabby. My dad and I grew far apart and in my senior year of HS my parents separated when my dad was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. That's probably as dysfunctional as it has gotten for me. Ok so there were a lot more bumps and curves in the road that I will tell you some other time but I'm grateful for the most part that I've had an easy life compared to most.

I'm not a patient person either. Are you testing my patience God? I'm waving a huge white flag at the moment. Can't you see it?

Please, please, please pray for a miracle tonight! Please pray that I am wrong and that everything is right on track. I know many of you, many of my friends, many of my co-workers, and many of my family have been praying for us and I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!! I don't know what I would do without you!

Not so good news....

RE called this morning...hcg level is 38. Not so hot since my LMP was 7/22/08. However, RE asked if I knew when I ovulated and I told him that I wasn't exactly sure but somewhere around day 20ish and that my cylces have been increasing in length. Progestrone level was 12.6 which he said was not bad. So he said he is overall concerened about the viability of this pregnancy. Said my numbers should be closer to 100. However, if I ovulated that late that would make a difference. So we are hoping that I ovulated late but we are preparing for the worse at this point.



I'm holding up ok. I feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to blame someone and I want to ask God why, why aren't you listening to my prayers? What else do I need to do before I can have a child of my own here on Earth? Its frustrating....I wanna break down but at the same time I wanna be strong and hold on to hope.

So far...so good...

So I'm still pretty shocked, not sure I totally believe that I am pregnant but have plenty of symptoms to back it up. I'm anxious and nervous....the excitement hasn't kicked in and I don't think it will until my numbers are doubling. Even then I don't know that I'll be overly excited. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to stay positive because I am. I want this more than anything!

Originally I had a MRI arthrogram scheduled for my left hip today but after testing positive yesterday I canceled it. Instead I found myself upset with the nurse or receptionist or whatever she was who told me I could only have my blood drawn between 8-8:30. WTF? Its blood.work lady! Give me an F'in break. So I called back after I scheduled blood work for tomorrow and asked for the RE to personally call me because I had some questions.

He is so sweet! Within a hour he called me back. I explained my concerns and that I had a half day schedule and he said come on over. The only reason it needed to be between 8-8:30 was so we could get the same day results. I was like I don't give two shits about whether I get it today or tomorrow, its just more convenient for me today. UGH Doctors offices...I swear! Anyway...I'm hoping to have more news for ya'll tomorrow. Have a great night. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!