Course of action

So..FINALLY I got to sit down with my Dr. and ask where we go from here. My Dr. is a very compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. Which is very helpful in this frustrating process. He, however, is very conservative and does not rush into anything. Which in some ways is good, in other ways it can be more frustrating.

At our appointment we discuss the next step in this process. The one diagnostic test we did not do is a sonohysterogram. A sonohysterogram is a vaginal u/s that uses a saline solution to enhance your uterus. It can detect abnormalities such as fibroids, pylops, scar tissue, or abnormalities of your uterine lining. The RE believes nothing will come of this u/s but wants to rule everything out.

We will not have the u/s until next cycle, hopefully beginning of October. I am to call as soon as AF arrives and the u/s needs to occur before ovulation. However, we are NOT putting off TTC this month. Yes, this risks another m/c but we are willing to take that risk at this point. Why continue to wait?

We also discussed whether progesterone was a problem and he said that he does not believe so. My progesterone dropped very quickly with Baby #3 because my hcg was dropping. Hcg therefore controls progesterone, or is at least suppose to. That's not to say that I don't have a luteal phase defect. So we'll see what the sonohysterogram says and go from there. The next step would be Clomid, at least in my mind.

Hopefully, we will become pregnant with our sticky baby this cycle and not have to worry about it. But I'm glad we have a course of action finally!!! Please continue to pray for us!!!

The last thing the RE did was look me in the eye and ask "putting all the physical stuff a side, how are you?" I told him for the most part I was still pretty numb. I told him we were prepared for the worst this time and not that it isn't devastating each time it happens but in a sense it is easier, I don't get my hopes up and I know what to expect emotionally and physically. It meant a lot for him to ask me this. He definitely heard that I was upset about my other appt because he said this u/s will be schedule with me and no one else.

Other than that...my first creative movement class was last night. Only 2 girls showed up but I was still thankful for that. I was a little discouraged afterwards but Mike said "ya know you only started this company a month ago" and he's right. I can't expect to have 5 girls in each class especially since this is not my full time job. So that made me feel better. Well I'm off to go have dinner and get some rest. I haven't been sleeping the greatest.

RE appt SUCKED!

I think I've cried the hardest I've ever cried today. I think I sobbed the hardest I've ever sobbed before all thanks to a shitty appt at my RE's office.

I go in today to my RE's office (its at a local hospital combined with L&D) and sat with a bunch of pregnant women and a family who was awaiting the arrival of a new grandchild. After about 20 minutes, they called me back, drew my blood and had me wait in an exam room. The dr came in (obviously wasn't my dr who I was expecting to see) looked at my chart and said something to the effect of "So by the looks (as he was looking through my chart) you are experiencing a m/c. Have you had any before?" I replied "two prior to this." He said "Well we'll see what your levels are by this afternoon and if they are negative go ahead and make an appt with Dr. D."

Are you fucking kidding me? Why the hell did I drive over here and pay a co-pay for you to refer me back to my Dr? Why the hell did you make me sit in the waiting room full of pregnant woman for all this shit? Its torture seeing all the pregnant bellies and me here who has 3 angels now. You would think & I expected to have an appt to talk about my options. Even if it wasn't my Dr. at least he could have talked to mine and have been on the same page. It doesn't take that long! I wanted an action plan not, "oh...well see your Dr."

I just got off the phone with my Dr's nurse who was really sweet and got me an appt for thurs @ 10 but I'm still so upset, I started bawling like a baby on the phone. I explained that I was expecting some plan not necessarily answers but something. These dr's should be on the same page if they are in the same practice. She comforted me and said that these appts aren't made to discuss those things. They are just to discuss if you have any issues or problems. Well for goodness sakes he didn't ask me a damn thing! Except if I had prior m/c. HELLO! Look at my chart before you step foot in the door. Oh and to top it off, he asked "How are your spirits holding up?" How the fuck do you think my spirits are Doc? GET A GRIP!

So now I have to take more time off work Thursday morning and I have to WAIT till Thursday to even hear of a plan...who knows if they'll do any testing or anything that day. I'm not happy, not happy at all. In fact I'm a miserable bitch at this point.

Back from Morgantown, WV

Yes, we are finally back from Mo-town. We had a fairly good time other than drama that went on at our tailgate. ::rolling my eyes:: Alcohol induced drama is always fun...only when your 20, not soon to be 40! Ok...now that I got that off my chest. I officially starting m/c Friday before we left. This may be TMI for some so don't read....I'm warning you...Friday night my cramps became pretty intense, enough that I left dinner to go buy more pads & motrin. Saturday I think I change a maxi pad 4 times and to make it even better...try doing that in a freakin port-a-potty thingy! Yea, not a pleasant experience what so ever.

Friday night my cramps became pretty intense and Saturday morning I felt as if I'd been gutted I was bleeding so bad.

So...I dunno if I'm just in denial or if I'm still numb or if going through this a 3rd time I'm consider a pro or what it is but...I dunno that I feel much of anything. Of course I'm pissed and angry but at the same time I'm just like $(&# this shit and lets move on. Or maybe I've completely given up hope. That could be it...I told my mom that its not worth praying for us because no one is listening...I said that all inbetween sobs. I don't mean it but I feel that way.

I also feel my RE better have a DAMN GOOD answer come Tuesday morning or it might be when all my emotions come out! I wanna know if he still thinks this is "a case of bad luck" still. If he does I have news for him. Anyway...my numbers should be zero...I was at 15 on Friday and my RE's partner told me "well at least its taking care of itself". WTH? Sure...great I don't have to have another D&E but jesus this is not what I want to go through once again. I've been poked and prodded that WTH is another procedure?

Thanks for all the nesties who have responded and for all your thoughts and prayers. Yes, there are days I might not show that I appreciate it but I really, really do. I wouldn't keep going without all your encouragement.

Now on another note, here are some pics from WVU.

The Fiest Bowl Trophy won against Oklahoma 48-28

My first time stepping onto Mountaineer field.

Mike & I

Let's Go..........MOUNTAINEERS! Bring on the new era of Coach Stew!

So far...so good...

So I'm still pretty shocked, not sure I totally believe that I am pregnant but have plenty of symptoms to back it up. I'm anxious and nervous....the excitement hasn't kicked in and I don't think it will until my numbers are doubling. Even then I don't know that I'll be overly excited. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to stay positive because I am. I want this more than anything!

Originally I had a MRI arthrogram scheduled for my left hip today but after testing positive yesterday I canceled it. Instead I found myself upset with the nurse or receptionist or whatever she was who told me I could only have my blood drawn between 8-8:30. WTF? Its blood.work lady! Give me an F'in break. So I called back after I scheduled blood work for tomorrow and asked for the RE to personally call me because I had some questions.

He is so sweet! Within a hour he called me back. I explained my concerns and that I had a half day schedule and he said come on over. The only reason it needed to be between 8-8:30 was so we could get the same day results. I was like I don't give two shits about whether I get it today or tomorrow, its just more convenient for me today. UGH Doctors offices...I swear! Anyway...I'm hoping to have more news for ya'll tomorrow. Have a great night. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

The sweetest place on Earth....

Yesterday I had the day off and Mike and I decided to still go to Hershey park despite our bad news we received earlier in the week. We both needed to go some where and have a good time. We had a lot of fun and it was nice not to think about work, at least I didn't.

I can't believe how much the park has changed since I worked there almost 10 years ago. Wow has it really been that long? Geez....Anyway the new roller coaster is outta this world! Seriously it starts out going up a hill and you are literally laying on your back looking at the sky. I looked at Mike and told him "I'm going to kill you after we get off this ride!" I had myself so worked up, typical. But it was insane! The 97 degree, inverted drop....I don't remember too much except how smooth it was. We also rode a bunch of other rides and checked out the boardwalk which has had mixed reviews. We liked it...it was nice but crowded. The whirlwind raft ride was crazy too! Short but not what we were expecting. Mike also won me a turtle that looks like the little sea turtles on finding Nemo! Its sooo cute!

Anyway....AF is due and she is no where to be found. I keep wiping and looking...I swear I have some light cramping but the red headed slut won't show her face! I know I'm not pregnant so c'mon! Get on with the show! Despite our financial difficulty right now we are NOT putting TTC on hold! I'm so happy because I was dreading AF, because it would mean a new fresh chance that wouldn't be taken advantage of.

I am now arguing with myself since AF has not shown her ugly face. I think ok we had sex at the very beginning of sex week, so there is a chance. But at the same time...I know I'm not that's the only time we had sex and my OPK was def positive 4 days after we had sex. Internal conflict sucks! I sometimes think I'm insane. Keep your comments to yourself please. ;-)

OH! I completely forgot that the RE called today. My labs all came back normal!!! He said nothing was even close to being abnormal!! So that is a nice relief. Now if only my body would return to clock work. tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock! I'm tired of waiting dammit! Patience is NOT a virtue of mine.

"Coming to Term"

"Coming to Term" by Joh Cohen is getting a thumbs down from me. It started off really good and held my attention with stories I could relate to but half way through I lost interest. I think why I do not like this book is because it jumps around from subject to subject and some of the information I feel is unrelated or just not important. I was hoping this book might bridge the gap between men and women and how they handle miscarriages since it was written by a man. The book is written by a journalist who's wife has been through recurrent pregnancy losses. I think I may be one of the few who did not like this book. Oh well....onto "I Never Held You" by Ellen DuBois. Stay tuned.

So today Mike and I met with our RE, Dr. Dodson, for the very first time. I liked him, he was straight forwarded and informative. However, after spending the past 6 weeks researching stuff I don't think he brought anything new for me to the table. Eh, ok...so after going through our medical history he says to me that he doesn't see anything that would raise a red flag. That it seems to be a matter of bad luck and that he sees a rosy future for us. :::Do I see the birdy flying??::: I would have liked to given it to him. He goes on to say that he understands how frustrating and difficult this can be...when everyone is celebrating a positive pregnancy test we (RPL) wonder if we even should get our hopes up. So he truly is sympathetic...empathetic I don't know. He gets it though which is a + and he took 45 minutes of his time to listen to our concerns and feelings. He left the decisions up to us today whether we wanted any testing and told me...I don't want you going to bed and wondering well maybe we should have done this or that. He truly wanted me to be comfortable with the decision and supported us 100% even though he doesn't think anything will come back with a red flag. He wanted to give me a piece of mind, this is more than any other doctor. So Mike and I decided to go ahead with blood work and genetic testing.

As I said before we did have genetic testing done when I had my D&E. That came back normal...46xx...the RE said the thing that stinks about doing genetic testing is they may have contaminated the gestational sac with my cells/DNA. Which I understand...so I may have had a daughter which breaks my shattered heart into smaller pieces. :::sigh::: But it may have been my own chromosomes....maybe he will be able to tell after they repeat the genetic testing this time around. Who knows.

The one thing that I was truly happy and grateful to hear was when I do get pregnant, I am to call him right away whether its a HPT & BFP or a late period or even just symptoms. He will have me come in to check my hcg levels and progesterone. Of course that would be checked again and I would be scheduled for an u/s right away. From there I would see him every 4-5 days until a fetal pole is seen. Then once a week until I'm out of the "clear". I know, no one is ever out of the clear. I will then return to my regular OB, which by the way we have decided to switch to a practice closer to home & the one that Mike has contacts at. So I was very reassured by the care I will receive.

I totally forgot...he also mentioned in his 24 years of practicing how little progress this field has made. He's embarassed by what little knowledge there is. I completely agree with this after my research. I think the field is an embarassment but realize that it is one of the more difficult areas to understand. It just amazes me that we are in the 21st century and cannot figure out why most m/c happen.

Oh! By the way Doc gave us the go ahead to TTC again!! BRING ON SEX WEEK!! My OPK is showing a very faint line. Bring on the LH surge! Let's get this show on the road!