Am I a Pro at this?

I dunno...I feel I should be more bummed about my 3rd loss. I can't decide if I'm becoming a Pro and now know what to expect or if I'm just numb. I feel I should be more bummed because I lost another child. My body cannot sustain a damn pregnancy. WTF? I feel I should be angry and some days I am. I feel like I should have cried more over my loss but at the same time...I can't change the past, I can only change the future. And crying sure in the hell won't change anything. Don't get me wrong, I still cry to let my frustrations out but I know it won't change what has happened. I know praying will not bring my babies back but I still pray that God will bless us with a beautiful family here on Earth.

Who am I? I wish I could be that positive at work. As you all know work sucks!! Its an awful situation that I have no idea how to handle. I've tried and have been ignored. I have tried to be quite about it but I can't. Mike is sick of me venting every night when I get home. I guess my only options are to A) Talk to my boss again or B) find a new job. Its so hard. This decision would be much easier if we didn't have the financial situation that we did (thank you X & Y for cutting Mike's salary 30%, bastards) and if I didn't start my own dance studio. Hopefully I can find a job that is willing to let me work M-F 7-4 or 8-5. :::Crossing my fingers & toes::: cuz I don't know how much more I can take of my current job. I love the people I work with, almost every single one but this circumstance just isn't right. And I can't stand for it. My patients are affected by it, I'm affected by it, others are, it just isn't right!! I hate that this is happening!

Other than work or TTC that leaves my dance studio. Its going well for just getting it up and started. I have 7 students, possibly 8 by next week. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but its a start for being a part time job. I have to let word of mouth travel and advertise my butt off when I can.

So that's it for now...

Course of action

So..FINALLY I got to sit down with my Dr. and ask where we go from here. My Dr. is a very compassionate, understanding, and thoughtful man. Which is very helpful in this frustrating process. He, however, is very conservative and does not rush into anything. Which in some ways is good, in other ways it can be more frustrating.

At our appointment we discuss the next step in this process. The one diagnostic test we did not do is a sonohysterogram. A sonohysterogram is a vaginal u/s that uses a saline solution to enhance your uterus. It can detect abnormalities such as fibroids, pylops, scar tissue, or abnormalities of your uterine lining. The RE believes nothing will come of this u/s but wants to rule everything out.

We will not have the u/s until next cycle, hopefully beginning of October. I am to call as soon as AF arrives and the u/s needs to occur before ovulation. However, we are NOT putting off TTC this month. Yes, this risks another m/c but we are willing to take that risk at this point. Why continue to wait?

We also discussed whether progesterone was a problem and he said that he does not believe so. My progesterone dropped very quickly with Baby #3 because my hcg was dropping. Hcg therefore controls progesterone, or is at least suppose to. That's not to say that I don't have a luteal phase defect. So we'll see what the sonohysterogram says and go from there. The next step would be Clomid, at least in my mind.

Hopefully, we will become pregnant with our sticky baby this cycle and not have to worry about it. But I'm glad we have a course of action finally!!! Please continue to pray for us!!!

The last thing the RE did was look me in the eye and ask "putting all the physical stuff a side, how are you?" I told him for the most part I was still pretty numb. I told him we were prepared for the worst this time and not that it isn't devastating each time it happens but in a sense it is easier, I don't get my hopes up and I know what to expect emotionally and physically. It meant a lot for him to ask me this. He definitely heard that I was upset about my other appt because he said this u/s will be schedule with me and no one else.

Other than that...my first creative movement class was last night. Only 2 girls showed up but I was still thankful for that. I was a little discouraged afterwards but Mike said "ya know you only started this company a month ago" and he's right. I can't expect to have 5 girls in each class especially since this is not my full time job. So that made me feel better. Well I'm off to go have dinner and get some rest. I haven't been sleeping the greatest.

Want to join my pity party?

WARNING: If you are in a good mood I may ruin it, so please do NOT read further.

With that being said. I'm on CD 29 approximately O-ing 10 or so days ago. Still no AF, but plenty signs of pregnancy or AF. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm extremely exhausted (tried to even nap at work). I've had a killer HA (headache) and an achy neck. I've been peeing more than usual, starving come meal times, and after tonight you can definitely add irritability.

Good news, I signed up 3 dance students just today. :-) YAY!

Now for the long part...I've been doing really good as far as my 2 m/c's. I haven't had any really rocky days since a day before my EDD, August 6th. And even then I didn't have an emotional break down. In fact, I couldn't tell you when my last one was at least not until tonight.

So...Mike's on the phone with his best friend from college and they announced they are pregnant. Their son is 4 or 5, who took many years to have after having IVF twice. Mike got really excited and started changing our plans for WVU. [Side note: We have season tickets to WVU and enjoy going to Morgantown during the fall. We go once a year with his 2 best friends from college. Next weekend kicks off the season with Villanova and its our annual get together.] Changing our plans as far as no smokey bars, no smokey hotel rooms, etc, etc...At first I thought, "wow that's great! they went through a lot to have their son" and than my thoughts turned into sobs. I left the room and headed for the sun room, where I couldn't hear any more.

I literally began to sob and thinking Mike is never going to understand what I feel right now. He was so happy it about broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's happy but dammit when is it our turn? Why is our luck so shitty when it comes to babies? I even thought we should be changing plans for ME not for her. How selfish am I? I just cried and cried until he came out looking for me.

He asked what was wrong which just led into us fighting. Fighting because neither of us understands where each other is coming from. Mike thinks I'm living in the past because I remember our angels in heaven almost every day! I think about where I should be in my pregnancies and he thinks I should be over it. He thinks my feelings "aren't healthy" therefore meaning not normal. He says he's a realist and is living for the present and future. I continued sobbing throughout our fight, because yet again I have yet to be understood and I don't understand him. He left me cry and I'm still crying.

Sometimes all I want when I cry is to be hugged and held and reassured. I try to be strong for the most part and there are just times I need him to be my rock and hold me up, even if he doesn't understand. I need reassured that he wants a family more than anything. I need reassured positive thoughts and what I'm feeling is not completely psychotic. That it hurts him too because it doesn't seem to.

Instead I feel like a selfish bitch because he insists now on canceling our plans to WVU because I'll be miserable the entire weekend. I told him I wouldn't, that I just didn't want to share a room with just her (we did boys and girls last time we were there). God forbid she even c/o once to me about the way she is feeling. I will completely lose control. What's wrong with getting my feelings out now? I can pretend to be happy later...but I can't be myself around him that weekend now. Every time, I will c/o I'm sure he will just want me to shut up otherwise I'll be the one to ruin the weekend.

:::INSERT LOUD SCREAM HERE::: God, I wish I could!

Did I mentioned he said "it would be cool if you were both pregnant together". Right, and is it uncool if she is and I'm not? Or is that still cool? Sorry I'm shutting up now. Good night...its 8:30 once again and I'm going to bed!

I'm still alive.....

Whew! What a crazy crazy time it has been at MrsJT's residence. Between opening my company, advertising, opening a business account, making flyers, squeezing in time to watch clips of the Olympics, working, dealing with work drama, cutting back on bills, you'd think I'd be going CrAzY by now but luckily I'm holding it all together. Things are happening so quickly, its crazy! Its good though because my attention is focused else where and not on TTC. However, I'm tired right now, at 8:00. Could be because I've been so busy, could be PMS, or could be the possibility of me being pregnant but I'm not holding my breath! AF should be here Tuesday if I have a normal 28 day cycle or at the latest Saturday. Thinking of all my nesties even though I haven't been on the boards lately. Love you all!!

EDD....came and went...

So the day before my EDD, August 5th, my co-worker who was pregnant decided to bring her bundle of joy in to show off to the clinic. Great for her...not so great for me. I was rude, I admit, but I don't know what I would have done if I even acknowledge her let alone looked at the baby. It kills me to know that I should be holding my own bundle of joy by now (or very soon). It kills me to think or at least I could be almost half way through my 2nd pregnancy. ::sigh:: I hate the thoughts sometimes!

Honestly, I was very busy yesterday to even think about it. Does that make me a horrible mother? Or am was I just denying it? Eh...either way...I got through the day without getting overly emotional. Part of the reason I think I was able to put it out of my head is that I'm about to O. Which I'm trying to stay positive that this is the cycle! The cycle that we will conceive our child that is meant for here on Earth with us.

I do have other good news....my business cards arrived today. They look great! I like them at least. I'm hopefully going to print off some brochures and schedules this Saturday so I can begin my advertising. YAY! Then it will be onto lesson plans.

Well I'm off to seduce my husband....please cheer on the swimmers! ;-)

So excited........

GUESS WHAT LADIES! No, its nothing baby related yet but yes, I'm on my way to opening up my own dance studio. AAAAAAAA! <--Mary Murphy scream for any So you think you can dance lovers, like me! Ok so maybe its a few years down the road. BUT I'm officially teaching at a local ballroom studio and am bringing in ballet & jazz for beginners of all ages.

So that means this afternoon was productive and I order business cards off of vista print (new love) and made brochures and flyers to give out. Now...I have to order music on itunes, open a business tax id account thingy (that is Mike's job) and start my lesson plans. Oh and advertise....WHEW! I have a lot to do my first class begins Septemeber 7th!

"Life's a Dance You Learn As You Go"

So...the good thing about NOT being pregnant is enjoying a glass of wine every night with dinner. Ok...not every night but I'm enjoying it why I can. I'm trying to remain optimistic about this cycle. CD 8 by the way for those of you who don't know. Lookin at next week O-ing. Wooo!

Anyway let's bring ya up to date with whats been going on. I met with the ballroom studio owner this past weekend, which went ok. I'm not thrilled but it is an opportunity to get my feet wet, build a name for myself, and acquire customers at this point. I think this is probably my best option at this point while I continue to work hard on my business plan. Did I mention before how much of a pain in the ass that is? ;-) But I'm not complaining...I totally want this and want to get out of the job situation I am in now. BTW, it improved for about a week and the same shady sh!t is going down. UGH!

So...the studio owner was nice. What I am not crazy about is the fact that she kinda just rents the studio out to other dance teachers. There is no set schedule and classes typically run for a month and then a new schedule comes out. Its all very confusing to me and seems inconsistent. How am I suppose to teach anything in just 4 weeks to someone who has never taken ballet? YIKES! I felt very unprepared for this meeting. She had a lot of questions for me which I did not have answers for. I was expecting her to tell me this is the days or times I have available for you to have a class(es) for the next year. Just not the case here.

She does want to meet again this Sunday and sit down with her husband who runs the business aspect of the company. So I'm thinking I might start with an 8 week beginner adult barre (only) class and a beginner adult jazz class that run back to back. 1 hour long each...not really sure though. Tossing a lot of ideas around but would like to start in September.

Well thats it for now. I'm off to watch So You Think You Can Dance!

AF...but not the end of the world

So finally, 4 days late, my . shows. I hate being late, but its not the end of the world. I knew 2 weeks ago that there was no way I was pregnant. And I have realize that God may be trying to lead me down a different road for the time and I'm ok with that. But somewhere God can you put a healthy, happy baby in that mix? We would really appreciate it.

I have started a business plan for my dance studio which is rather a frustrating task because it involves a lot of bullsh!tting which I'm not all that good at. My dream, if I haven't talked about it enough is to intertwine dancing (ballet, modern, jazz, tap & hip hop) with rehab. After my various injuries growing up I realized the need for it and in my free time (when I'm not nesting or blogging) I read about injury prevention specifically geared to dancers. It would be the first of its kind in the area but would take many years to achieve its fullest potential.

I also have a meeting with a local ballroom owner who is interested in adding some adult beginner ballet classes this fall. How cool is that? Right in time when I need some extra money and need some more teaching experience. The meeting is this Saturday so cross your fingers please!

So that's where I am right now....

I've also returned to dancing at my local studio I grew up at to get back into some sort of dancing shape. I've always had a problem with "snapping hip" as they call it. My hip clunks, and clicks, and pops with various ballet & jazz movements. It was never painful but more alarming and uncomfortable. So when I started back my PT checked it out and we've started to work on it and its now painful. So...Mike shot x-rays at his office today and low and behold it looks like I have an osteophyte or bone spur on my accetabulum on my left side and the beginning of one on my right. So on top of AF and being crampy (more so than usual), my hips are hurting. I can't curl up in the fetal position or sit in my weird dancer like positions like I like to do. BOO hips! C'mon God, I know this road would be bumpy but does it have to start out rocky? Incase your wondering, my left hip may require surgery in the near future if I want to continue dancing. We'll see what the Doc says Monday.

In other news, I saw my matron of honor on Saturday who is 6 months pg. She looks fantastic and I even got to feel the baby move. I've never done that, it was so cool. She is also a m/c survivor and understands what I am going through. She even said to me, "I don't know how you are still talking to me." Meaning because she is pregnant. She said she wouldn't be able to do it and even called me strong. Which felt good and it felt good for her to acknowledge how hard it must be. Though I must say, I am very happy for her. I'm not jealous or bitter, maybe because she empathizes with what I am going through. I'm not sure for my reasons.

No Man....to shutting down....

Sorry...its been awhile since I last posted. Things are a little crazy right now. I've been sick and even though I feel better I still have a lovely cough. AF was roaring its ugly head as well. Thank goodness AF is over...10 more days until....well you can figure it out.


So...quick update...Saturday I spent the day cleaning and recovering from this awful chest cold that seems to be lingering even after a course of antibiotics. Sunday proved to be a much more interesting day. But before I go into that let me give a little history lesson about Mike & Jess. My Dad and grandparents raised me in the Catholic church. My mom was raised Lutheran. Mike was never baptised but his parents and him attended a Methodist church when he was little. Most of his friends were Catholic growing up and he attended many masses with his friends. When Mike and I got engaged Mike converted to Catholicism. Which I never expected him to do. I just wanted to be married in the Catholic church.


So Sunday Mike & I woke up early to go to early mass. Some how we got on the topic of Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice. OH! I know how...Mike recently researched the difference between the groups and came across a Catholic site which clearly expressed its views as well, that Mike was not in agreement with. But anyway....we were on this discussion and he brought to my attention that Pro-Life is now stating that NO ONE should be able to have an abortion. While Pro-Choice is now on the side that many do not support abortion as birth control but do view some abortions necessary such in the case of rape, incest or if the mother's life is at risk, etc.....I was blown away by this new info. I always consider myself Pro-Life but I do not agree with their current views nor the Catholic church's current views. I was highly upset when Mike pointed out that in the Catholic church's eye I had an abortion with my D&E. It made me angry...angry that MEN of all people in the Vatican have devised all these "laws"!! I stand behind when I say NO MAN will ever understand the emotional pain I have been through during & after my miscarriages, including these men of God! Thought I would just point this out....because I was unaware. Mike was also disgusted with how the Pro-Lifers represented themselves on their websites while Pro-Choicers were very factual on their websites. He did give the Catholic church credit though in the way they explained themselves.

Anyway at church the homily was an interesting one. It was about fear and trusting God with your fears. Father, gave a funny story (I'm not sure if its fictional or not) that this religious woman got on a plane to travel to the holy land. It was her first time traveling by air. As she fastened her seat belt she closed her eyes and didn't open them until they were at cruising altitude. She looked out the window just as one of the engines was falling off, she started screaming "oh my God we are going to die!" Flight attendants quickly attended to her and tried to calm her down. They tried telling her that they could safely fly back with just 3 engines but that did not satisfy her. She kept yelling "oh my God we are going to die!" They also try to calm her down and brought 4 bishops. She cried out "I rather there be 3 bishops and 4 engines!" I thought it was rather cute and tried to apply what father was telling me to my own life. Sure I am afraid of spiders and heights all which I can trust in God. However, the fear of never having my own biological family scares the crap outta me along with having more m/c and I'm having a hard time placing that in God's hands.

I am still looking into a dance studio. I have a budget set up with price quotes from flooring specialists, barres, mirrors, etc...I have also met with a realtor at a local plaza, which was very helpful and eye opening. But if I do open up I would def like to open in this plaza for various reasons but no point in getting into that now until it happens.

Lately I feel very under appreciated at work. My boss is a great guy and a great work spouse. But he is overly frustrating on a lot of days! Being the boss he has a lot of responsibilities which I understand and have to cover for him, treating our patients, writing notes, and the list goes on and on while he's attending his boss duties. Sometimes he doesn't think though and does it at the worst times and I feel like he leaves me stranded. He has a lot on his plate I know...but...but....maybe I should just stop complaining.

So work hasn't been an enjoyment lately and I'm at the point that I'm tired of hearing patients b!tch and complain like I have nothing at all to complain about. They've had o-p-t-i-o-n-a-l surgery, they chose to get their knee replaced, no one forced them into it and they expect it to be healed in a week! HELLO, are people idiots or are the doctors for not explaining the extent of surgery? GRR! I'm just sick of the mentality of these patients, some days it drives me nuts.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is God's plan? If he doesn't want me to have children just yet and wants me to use the gift that he has given me to start my own dance studio. I've always loved this quote:

"What you do is God's gift to you, what you make of it is your gift to God."

Today was a very off day for me....maybe this week has been. I feel as if I've been shutting down like I go through the emotions, my head is spinning with thought (babies, dance, house, etc..) but I'm not up for communicating with anyone. Does that make sense? This is mainly at work. I mean one minute I'm talkative and the next I don't want to be bothered. I'm not up for sharing personal information except with one or two people. I'm just usually very open & share personal detail like what's been going on in life, etc...but I just shut down and want to get the heck out of there.

I once again today was reminded that I would be almost 1 month away from my due date with Baby #1. I walked out into our front office and there our pregnant woman is sitting with a co-worker of mine on her knees rubbing her belly!!! SLAP 1! The pregnant woman has also been complaining of some back issues and my PT that I work with offered to help just like he does with everyone while I'm left treating our other patients. But they start talking about adding her baby girl to her insurance and its just like damn shut the #&^@ up! Slap 2! I don't understand any reasons for shutting down. <--sarcasm!

This week my Rav-4 is being repaired and I have a Nissan Murano which I have fallen in love with!!! I don't want my car back! My total damage is now totalling closer to $2700!! Thank God for insurance!!

More stupid people

So Monday morning at approx. 7:15 a co-worker of mine says to me, "we missed you on Saturday! Why didn't you come?" She was referring to another co-workers surprise baby shower, the one who is a week ahead of where I would be with Baby #1. I replied "Name, I had my second m/c 3 weeks ago. I wasn't about to torture myself." I had told her about my first but not about my 2nd. She felt really bad and was very apologetic. Great way to start off Monday morning!

And to make it even better Heather who hosted the baby shower heard it all. Today she tells me that she asked her why she didn't tell her about my m/c. Heather told her it wasn't her place and it wasn't something I wanted in the local paper to be announced. This same co-worker went to another co-worker and said I feel so bad for saying something to Jess and proceeded to tell her what happened. Of course this other co-worker (what we are up to 6, now??) had no idea of the situation either. I was livid. Are you kidding me? Yes I told her, not because I wanted a pity party, but because it was the truth. What sense is it to lie to people? I'm not going to hide because I've m/c. I'm not ashamed. But c'mon did she really need to go tell someone else? I don't get it.

So that was just to reiterate how stupid people are. F@*&ing stupid!!! So...in other news...I went to Richie's dance recital over the weekend, not once but twice. Show was pretty good! I'm impressed with the group of good dancers, many who I taught growing up. Which leads me to say that I am seriously looking into all my options. We are even looking into commercial property and getting a feel for how much $ per square foot. So I'm excited and glad to be focusing energy else where.

Focusing my energy else where

So...hopefully I can make this quick because Mike wants to spend some time with me tonight.

Quick update from Friday (day from hell): Saturday Mike and I went up to his parents camper at Eagles Point in Lebanon County. My SIL & BIL have a camper beside my ILs as well. So I wasn't really looking forward to it, we had an hour drive with 3 rather large dogs & I had to spend time with my ILs. Don't get me wrong I love my IL's but Mike's sister can drive me up a wall at times. (May write about it later when I have more time.) However, despite my pessimistic attitude we ended up having a great time! The dogs behaved, my SIL & MIL didn't say too many inappropriate things...so it was a nice time had by all.

On to my main topic....Mike and I had a huge discussion up to the campground about me opening a dance studio or starting a strengthening & condition program for dancers. For those of you who don't know I spent 17 years of my life dedicated to dancing, 5 spent teaching. I gave it up half way into college for personal reasons. There isn't a day goes by that I don't miss it and wish I would have stuck with it. So we talked about what I would need and a business plan. We are considering our options at this time. My dream since I was 15, was to combined my love of dance and love of rehab into one...now I may get to do this. We've been sitting down going over logistics (possible partnership, location, start up cost, rent, taxes...all that fun stuff) and I really hope that we can pull this off.

I'm also excited because the studio I use to dance at has its yearly recital this weekend. I'm going to see the show tomorrow with a co-worker. Saturday I'm meeting up with a group of girls I use to dance & teach with (most who have all quit for similar reasons) that also have an interest in starting our own studio. I hope they will be willing and interested to help. I'm actually excited for what the future may hold......and for once I'm ok that it doesn't have to involve a baby, but it would be a nice addition! :-P

Mike's right....I always need something to focus & dedicate (or just obsess) my time to. I will put my heart and soul into this.....