Why in the 2WW....

are we obsessed with POAS & with all the symptoms? I don't get it and it is so freakin annoying. I don't feel like this is my month but yet I had to pee on a stick today for it to tell me BFN! WHY? And why in the 2WW does my body insist that I have to pee more and insist that my boobs are swollen? Am I just imagining it or what? I would like for this crap to go away!!!

So this afternoon was my bf's baby shower. She is 35 weeks and cute as a button. I assisted in planning the shower and thought I would be fine. Honestly she is one of the only people that I'm ecstatic for that is pregnant!! I cried after I left...not because I'm jealous or bitter but because I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated my body won't work. Now I'm worried for when the baby arrives. How will I feel? How will I act? It makes me want to cry now. :-( So damn frustrating. I left feeling like someone was sitting on my chest...and ready to have a panic attack. I hate that. I calmed down after I stopped at my Grandfather's grave on the way home. Some days that is what gets me through that my angels are up above with my Opa watching over us. Or at least I hope.

I really like the prayers I shared with everyone yesterday. The first one starts out almost morbid. But has a very good message and brings me great comfort to read

"Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty – he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so that the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth".

Moving on....let me tell you that I have be offered and accepted a new position at a new clinic. As many of you know I have been unhappy for awhile. My new position is as a PTA still but I will be transferring to a private practice out patient physical therapy clinic. I have been given the opportunity to start a program that will allow me to rehab dancers. I work ZERO weekends ZERO holidays. My benefits are completely paid for except dental & vision. Did I mention I will be also getting a $3500 raise? When you figure benefits into it thats $5500!!

Anyways....I'm happy but sad to be leaving some great people. I will miss a lot of co-workers but I feel its time to move on...I don't need this added stress in my life!!! I just pray I'm making the right decision and will like my job just as much if not better. I'm very nervous that my boss will flip when I hand him my resignation letter tomorrow. I don't think he has a clue and is going to take this very personally...which maybe he should....but he has to understand I'm doing whats best for my family and I at this point in time.

I have tried to make this decision based purely on pro's and con's and not include the "personal drama" at work in my decision. Hopefully my intuition was right.

Am I a Pro at this?

I dunno...I feel I should be more bummed about my 3rd loss. I can't decide if I'm becoming a Pro and now know what to expect or if I'm just numb. I feel I should be more bummed because I lost another child. My body cannot sustain a damn pregnancy. WTF? I feel I should be angry and some days I am. I feel like I should have cried more over my loss but at the same time...I can't change the past, I can only change the future. And crying sure in the hell won't change anything. Don't get me wrong, I still cry to let my frustrations out but I know it won't change what has happened. I know praying will not bring my babies back but I still pray that God will bless us with a beautiful family here on Earth.

Who am I? I wish I could be that positive at work. As you all know work sucks!! Its an awful situation that I have no idea how to handle. I've tried and have been ignored. I have tried to be quite about it but I can't. Mike is sick of me venting every night when I get home. I guess my only options are to A) Talk to my boss again or B) find a new job. Its so hard. This decision would be much easier if we didn't have the financial situation that we did (thank you X & Y for cutting Mike's salary 30%, bastards) and if I didn't start my own dance studio. Hopefully I can find a job that is willing to let me work M-F 7-4 or 8-5. :::Crossing my fingers & toes::: cuz I don't know how much more I can take of my current job. I love the people I work with, almost every single one but this circumstance just isn't right. And I can't stand for it. My patients are affected by it, I'm affected by it, others are, it just isn't right!! I hate that this is happening!

Other than work or TTC that leaves my dance studio. Its going well for just getting it up and started. I have 7 students, possibly 8 by next week. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but its a start for being a part time job. I have to let word of mouth travel and advertise my butt off when I can.

So that's it for now...

I'm still alive.....

Whew! What a crazy crazy time it has been at MrsJT's residence. Between opening my company, advertising, opening a business account, making flyers, squeezing in time to watch clips of the Olympics, working, dealing with work drama, cutting back on bills, you'd think I'd be going CrAzY by now but luckily I'm holding it all together. Things are happening so quickly, its crazy! Its good though because my attention is focused else where and not on TTC. However, I'm tired right now, at 8:00. Could be because I've been so busy, could be PMS, or could be the possibility of me being pregnant but I'm not holding my breath! AF should be here Tuesday if I have a normal 28 day cycle or at the latest Saturday. Thinking of all my nesties even though I haven't been on the boards lately. Love you all!!

So excited........

GUESS WHAT LADIES! No, its nothing baby related yet but yes, I'm on my way to opening up my own dance studio. AAAAAAAA! <--Mary Murphy scream for any So you think you can dance lovers, like me! Ok so maybe its a few years down the road. BUT I'm officially teaching at a local ballroom studio and am bringing in ballet & jazz for beginners of all ages.

So that means this afternoon was productive and I order business cards off of vista print (new love) and made brochures and flyers to give out. Now...I have to order music on itunes, open a business tax id account thingy (that is Mike's job) and start my lesson plans. Oh and advertise....WHEW! I have a lot to do my first class begins Septemeber 7th!

Noticing a Trend

DAY FROM HELL! So I thought the past week was bad, sex week + no sex for me = no chance in hell that I was pregnant . Well get a load of this.......

To make a long story short my boss & the PT I work with is like a spouse in so many ways. Well for the first time in our 3 years working together we finally had a H-U-G-E fight. I'm not going into what its about because its a horrible, horrible situation that I never want to be put in again!! And would take this whole first page of my blog. Let's just say its bottled up emotion because I did not know how to approach it. Last night I opened my mouth and spoke up (because no body at work had the balls to do so...thanks a lot guys! Not that any of them read this).......I bawled, not cried but bawled from 10:30-1:00 this morning. At 1, I got on the computer and actually was looking for a new job. He dished out some low blows including that I haven't been myself since my m/c....he continued to do so at 7:00 this morning during his first text. We battled it out, yes...a text battle! One that left me bawling my eyes out again. I did not want to go to work, I felt I had no strength to do so. I had never been so upset with him, at least that I can remember. Thank God, we worked it out by the afternoon and he apologized and told me I was right. Imagine that? Really, a 24 y.o. who knows what she is talking about? :::Gasp:::: Sorry for the sarcasm. It was a painful day at worked, I looked like hell and felt shitty.

I came home only to find out that Mike's salary was cut by 30%. So...there are going to be some big changes at MrsJT's residence. This has been an unbelievable day from HELL!

I'm assuming that we will put off TTC for the next few months which is even a harder blow, at least for me. Do you know what kind of wreck I will be? Let's not think about it cuz after the day I've had there is not much more I can handle.

35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!

No Man....to shutting down....

Sorry...its been awhile since I last posted. Things are a little crazy right now. I've been sick and even though I feel better I still have a lovely cough. AF was roaring its ugly head as well. Thank goodness AF is over...10 more days until....well you can figure it out.


So...quick update...Saturday I spent the day cleaning and recovering from this awful chest cold that seems to be lingering even after a course of antibiotics. Sunday proved to be a much more interesting day. But before I go into that let me give a little history lesson about Mike & Jess. My Dad and grandparents raised me in the Catholic church. My mom was raised Lutheran. Mike was never baptised but his parents and him attended a Methodist church when he was little. Most of his friends were Catholic growing up and he attended many masses with his friends. When Mike and I got engaged Mike converted to Catholicism. Which I never expected him to do. I just wanted to be married in the Catholic church.


So Sunday Mike & I woke up early to go to early mass. Some how we got on the topic of Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice. OH! I know how...Mike recently researched the difference between the groups and came across a Catholic site which clearly expressed its views as well, that Mike was not in agreement with. But anyway....we were on this discussion and he brought to my attention that Pro-Life is now stating that NO ONE should be able to have an abortion. While Pro-Choice is now on the side that many do not support abortion as birth control but do view some abortions necessary such in the case of rape, incest or if the mother's life is at risk, etc.....I was blown away by this new info. I always consider myself Pro-Life but I do not agree with their current views nor the Catholic church's current views. I was highly upset when Mike pointed out that in the Catholic church's eye I had an abortion with my D&E. It made me angry...angry that MEN of all people in the Vatican have devised all these "laws"!! I stand behind when I say NO MAN will ever understand the emotional pain I have been through during & after my miscarriages, including these men of God! Thought I would just point this out....because I was unaware. Mike was also disgusted with how the Pro-Lifers represented themselves on their websites while Pro-Choicers were very factual on their websites. He did give the Catholic church credit though in the way they explained themselves.

Anyway at church the homily was an interesting one. It was about fear and trusting God with your fears. Father, gave a funny story (I'm not sure if its fictional or not) that this religious woman got on a plane to travel to the holy land. It was her first time traveling by air. As she fastened her seat belt she closed her eyes and didn't open them until they were at cruising altitude. She looked out the window just as one of the engines was falling off, she started screaming "oh my God we are going to die!" Flight attendants quickly attended to her and tried to calm her down. They tried telling her that they could safely fly back with just 3 engines but that did not satisfy her. She kept yelling "oh my God we are going to die!" They also try to calm her down and brought 4 bishops. She cried out "I rather there be 3 bishops and 4 engines!" I thought it was rather cute and tried to apply what father was telling me to my own life. Sure I am afraid of spiders and heights all which I can trust in God. However, the fear of never having my own biological family scares the crap outta me along with having more m/c and I'm having a hard time placing that in God's hands.

I am still looking into a dance studio. I have a budget set up with price quotes from flooring specialists, barres, mirrors, etc...I have also met with a realtor at a local plaza, which was very helpful and eye opening. But if I do open up I would def like to open in this plaza for various reasons but no point in getting into that now until it happens.

Lately I feel very under appreciated at work. My boss is a great guy and a great work spouse. But he is overly frustrating on a lot of days! Being the boss he has a lot of responsibilities which I understand and have to cover for him, treating our patients, writing notes, and the list goes on and on while he's attending his boss duties. Sometimes he doesn't think though and does it at the worst times and I feel like he leaves me stranded. He has a lot on his plate I know...but...but....maybe I should just stop complaining.

So work hasn't been an enjoyment lately and I'm at the point that I'm tired of hearing patients b!tch and complain like I have nothing at all to complain about. They've had o-p-t-i-o-n-a-l surgery, they chose to get their knee replaced, no one forced them into it and they expect it to be healed in a week! HELLO, are people idiots or are the doctors for not explaining the extent of surgery? GRR! I'm just sick of the mentality of these patients, some days it drives me nuts.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is God's plan? If he doesn't want me to have children just yet and wants me to use the gift that he has given me to start my own dance studio. I've always loved this quote:

"What you do is God's gift to you, what you make of it is your gift to God."

Today was a very off day for me....maybe this week has been. I feel as if I've been shutting down like I go through the emotions, my head is spinning with thought (babies, dance, house, etc..) but I'm not up for communicating with anyone. Does that make sense? This is mainly at work. I mean one minute I'm talkative and the next I don't want to be bothered. I'm not up for sharing personal information except with one or two people. I'm just usually very open & share personal detail like what's been going on in life, etc...but I just shut down and want to get the heck out of there.

I once again today was reminded that I would be almost 1 month away from my due date with Baby #1. I walked out into our front office and there our pregnant woman is sitting with a co-worker of mine on her knees rubbing her belly!!! SLAP 1! The pregnant woman has also been complaining of some back issues and my PT that I work with offered to help just like he does with everyone while I'm left treating our other patients. But they start talking about adding her baby girl to her insurance and its just like damn shut the #&^@ up! Slap 2! I don't understand any reasons for shutting down. <--sarcasm!

This week my Rav-4 is being repaired and I have a Nissan Murano which I have fallen in love with!!! I don't want my car back! My total damage is now totalling closer to $2700!! Thank God for insurance!!

More stupid people

So Monday morning at approx. 7:15 a co-worker of mine says to me, "we missed you on Saturday! Why didn't you come?" She was referring to another co-workers surprise baby shower, the one who is a week ahead of where I would be with Baby #1. I replied "Name, I had my second m/c 3 weeks ago. I wasn't about to torture myself." I had told her about my first but not about my 2nd. She felt really bad and was very apologetic. Great way to start off Monday morning!

And to make it even better Heather who hosted the baby shower heard it all. Today she tells me that she asked her why she didn't tell her about my m/c. Heather told her it wasn't her place and it wasn't something I wanted in the local paper to be announced. This same co-worker went to another co-worker and said I feel so bad for saying something to Jess and proceeded to tell her what happened. Of course this other co-worker (what we are up to 6, now??) had no idea of the situation either. I was livid. Are you kidding me? Yes I told her, not because I wanted a pity party, but because it was the truth. What sense is it to lie to people? I'm not going to hide because I've m/c. I'm not ashamed. But c'mon did she really need to go tell someone else? I don't get it.

So that was just to reiterate how stupid people are. F@*&ing stupid!!! So...in other news...I went to Richie's dance recital over the weekend, not once but twice. Show was pretty good! I'm impressed with the group of good dancers, many who I taught growing up. Which leads me to say that I am seriously looking into all my options. We are even looking into commercial property and getting a feel for how much $ per square foot. So I'm excited and glad to be focusing energy else where.

Stupid People

Are people really that f$(*ing stupid? Oh wait....yes they are! ARGH! Why?? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut? Is it really that hard?

Just when I think I'm doing good and trying to focus my energy else where I have a complete melt down! It started off at the grocery store this morning when I was checking out...I walked past a customer who was in a self check out register to get to a free one and I saw him staring (couldn't miss it) and he whistled at me. WTF? It's 6:45 AM, I just got outta the shower 30 minutes ago and your whistling at me like I'm a dog? Do guys really think this is necessary or that it turns us on? Newsflash to any guy out there who might be reading this: IT DOESN'T!

Then around 10:30ish an employee from our company that works at a different clinic shows up who I very much dislike. It takes a lot for me not to like someone as much as I do her. So I figured for once she would just ignore me but nooooo. She says something along the line of "where are the babies" while pointing to my stomach. "Aren't you trying?" I think I tuned her out right about there as my heart sank into my stomach. It was harmless small talk & she has no idea of my history but at the same time it sent my world crashing down. Talk about disliking a person even more.

About 45 minutes later, one of my co-workers ticked me off and I became very angry! I left for lunch...went shopping for an outfit for tonight and was just stamping around in the mall with a pissed off look on my face, I'm sure. My boss (who is the PT I work with, I'm a PTA & we are grouped on teams. We joke that we are work spouses, so we are fairly close) had sent me a text because he stopped me on my way out for lunch and asked if I was ok and I told him I was fine or that I would be fine (can't remember which). He hates the word fine...and he asked if it was what so & so at work did? And I replied "Yes that's part of it but what so & so said was awful!" He agreed and I walked past him and said "I'm just mad!" He knew I wanted to be left alone after that. So...he apologized to me and asked if there was anything he could do. And I said "I wish I just had the courage to tell people I have 2 babies in heaven" and I started bawling...I lost it....I couldn't be that rock any more. I've had an incredible amount of strength this time around....but now...I feel as if I lost it. He sent me home after I got back and we talked, which was really nice because I was not in the mood to deal with people at all. I had no patience for stupid people!! I lost it all this morning!!

Well at least I'll look cute in the new outfit I bought at the mall for the dance recital tonight!! LOL

Just another day....

I wanted to write in my blog so bad but now that I'm on the page I keep procrastinating....

I've had an interesting 24 hours. My last patient of the day told me him and his wife were expecting...she's 3 weeks farther along than I would be and it was kind of hard for me to be happy. My heart sank, I began to wonder why me, how is this going to make me stronger, and why is it some people hardly try and they are pregnant? Moving on...we went over to a friend's house who's dad proceeded to try to convince me to take a puppy 'since I wasn't expecting yet'...yea that was lovely. Granted he doesn't have a clue what we've been through...but it still hurts.

So this morning was kinda lousy, I was extremely tired, sluggish and just not feeling well. I barely made it through the morning with a fake, half smile on my face. I was irritated for no particular reason with co-workers and for once wished for a job that didn't involve people, especially after a new patient asked if I had any children, when I replied "no not yet", my patient beside us said, "Don't do it!" I was stunned...he asked, "how old are you?" I said "24", he answered "Wait till your 34." My patient that I was working with asked how long I been married and I told her 1 year in May. So they both say, "Oh you have plenty of time, just wait and enjoy the first few years," despite my argument that my husband is 12 years older than I, I dropped it, only to feel more bitter then I was earlier in the morning.

Lunch didn't come soon enough. However, as I was leaving to go home to get some lunch someone rear ended me. Yes, that topped my day off real nice! There was no damage done to my vehicle and I'm fine...just pissed by that point in time.

Before I switch over to my book review I want to add that today is my baby sister's graduation from high school. Ok so she's really my cousin but I love her like a little sister, I never had. We both are only children and I remember the day she was born, ok I think it was the day after we went to visit but I adored her since the first time I saw her!! Anyway....Ash if you are reading this I just want to say that I'm so proud of you and I always will be! Happy Graduation!!! I love you!!!