35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!