Memories...

I was on one of my nestie boards, reading a post and remembered one of the only things that seemed to comfort me most during my first m/c.

One day it hit me :::SMACK::: (in the face almost) that my baby was up in heaven sitting next to my grandfather. It was then that I found peace. I have tears in my eyes as I think about this moment and now picture two of my angels in heaven with my grandfather. The tears begin to flow....but at the same time I find this soothing.

My grandfather passed away in September 2005, 6 weeks after we found out he had brain cancer. He had been going through bouts of chemo for 2 years prior, to kill the tumor on his lung and adrenal gland. He was the first person that I was close to, that passed away. It was painful, to think that I would never see, or hear him again. He was always someone I looked up to. He survived a concentration camp in WWII after a paper work mix up and came to this country after to start a new life for himself and my grandma. He was the first to graduate college in my family, I was the second. I grieved for months after he passed away and miss him terribly but one thing that I do have is memories.

That's one thing I will not have with my angels in heaven. Sure I have the memory of being pregnant, but I have no actual memories of my babies. I never saw them even on u/s, I never heard them cry, I never held them, I never smelled them, I never touched their soft skin, I will never know who they looked like or who they took after.........all these nevers SUCK! It pains me.

I love you Pop-Pop and I love you, my precious angels!!!