Want to join my pity party?

WARNING: If you are in a good mood I may ruin it, so please do NOT read further.

With that being said. I'm on CD 29 approximately O-ing 10 or so days ago. Still no AF, but plenty signs of pregnancy or AF. Take your pick. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm extremely exhausted (tried to even nap at work). I've had a killer HA (headache) and an achy neck. I've been peeing more than usual, starving come meal times, and after tonight you can definitely add irritability.

Good news, I signed up 3 dance students just today. :-) YAY!

Now for the long part...I've been doing really good as far as my 2 m/c's. I haven't had any really rocky days since a day before my EDD, August 6th. And even then I didn't have an emotional break down. In fact, I couldn't tell you when my last one was at least not until tonight.

So...Mike's on the phone with his best friend from college and they announced they are pregnant. Their son is 4 or 5, who took many years to have after having IVF twice. Mike got really excited and started changing our plans for WVU. [Side note: We have season tickets to WVU and enjoy going to Morgantown during the fall. We go once a year with his 2 best friends from college. Next weekend kicks off the season with Villanova and its our annual get together.] Changing our plans as far as no smokey bars, no smokey hotel rooms, etc, etc...At first I thought, "wow that's great! they went through a lot to have their son" and than my thoughts turned into sobs. I left the room and headed for the sun room, where I couldn't hear any more.

I literally began to sob and thinking Mike is never going to understand what I feel right now. He was so happy it about broke my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's happy but dammit when is it our turn? Why is our luck so shitty when it comes to babies? I even thought we should be changing plans for ME not for her. How selfish am I? I just cried and cried until he came out looking for me.

He asked what was wrong which just led into us fighting. Fighting because neither of us understands where each other is coming from. Mike thinks I'm living in the past because I remember our angels in heaven almost every day! I think about where I should be in my pregnancies and he thinks I should be over it. He thinks my feelings "aren't healthy" therefore meaning not normal. He says he's a realist and is living for the present and future. I continued sobbing throughout our fight, because yet again I have yet to be understood and I don't understand him. He left me cry and I'm still crying.

Sometimes all I want when I cry is to be hugged and held and reassured. I try to be strong for the most part and there are just times I need him to be my rock and hold me up, even if he doesn't understand. I need reassured that he wants a family more than anything. I need reassured positive thoughts and what I'm feeling is not completely psychotic. That it hurts him too because it doesn't seem to.

Instead I feel like a selfish bitch because he insists now on canceling our plans to WVU because I'll be miserable the entire weekend. I told him I wouldn't, that I just didn't want to share a room with just her (we did boys and girls last time we were there). God forbid she even c/o once to me about the way she is feeling. I will completely lose control. What's wrong with getting my feelings out now? I can pretend to be happy later...but I can't be myself around him that weekend now. Every time, I will c/o I'm sure he will just want me to shut up otherwise I'll be the one to ruin the weekend.

:::INSERT LOUD SCREAM HERE::: God, I wish I could!

Did I mentioned he said "it would be cool if you were both pregnant together". Right, and is it uncool if she is and I'm not? Or is that still cool? Sorry I'm shutting up now. Good night...its 8:30 once again and I'm going to bed!