Back to Work

I've always wanted to be a SAHM! My mom stayed home with me up until I was 16 or so. I hated it growing up but was later grateful. She returned back to work part-time when I was a sophomore in high school, by this time I was dancing 4 nights a week and knew the difference between right and wrong. I turned out fairly well I think...whether it was the fact that my SAH mom was able to instilled morals and values in me at an early age or the fact that my dad was a cop and I was too scared to get in trouble...or maybe it was a combination. Who knows? Sorry if I'm sorta rambling...I'll get to a point or maybe I won't tonight. Maybe you'll just learn more about us...or rather me, good or bad.

Anyway...returning to work has made me feel like a failure and as I typed those words tears are streaming down. I don't know how else to describe the feeling. I really don't. I'm not use to this feeling but my heart feels very heavy with guilt. I want my son to have what I had and I'm upset that he might never have his mom at home.

You would think that he was in daycare the way I'm acting. He's not. He's at the next best place than with him Mommy. He's with my mom, his Gran. This also kills me! She'll get to see all his milestones before I do (more than likely). Again I'm so glad its my mom!! :::more tears::: But at the same time it makes me sick that it won't be me. Maybe, I'm just a spoiled brat for feeling this way. I just have a feeling I'm going to envy her and when he goes running to her rather than me my heart is just going to break into pieces.

Even working part time would be so much better but I would give just about anything in the world to be a SAHM!! Unfortunately this won't be happening as Mike is in limbo with his job, I carry our insurance, and I'm in the process of becoming business partners with 2 other ladies for our dance company. More to come next post on my dance company, once I'm in a better mood. For now I'm off to go work out a little bit since Landon is getting some shut eye.

On a cheerier note here are some pictures of Landon the past week. BTW, he's 9 weeks old today. My baby is growing up!

One of the first smiles I have captured on film or a digital camera.

So serious....

Chillin at the pool.

This is how I chill in the bath tub. Really he always ends up this way.

It's almost bedtime.

9w5d

Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like... well... a baby!

So now that I've updated you on how big our baby is...let's talk about what's been going on....

I sit here with my pants unbuttoned, feeling & looking like I'm well over 3-4 months pregnant thats how lovely my bloat is. My boobs feel like water balloons that will burst any moment. Unhooking the bra now as well.

I'm starting to get anxious for our u/s next Thursday at 9:45 AM. I haven't had an u/s in 2 weeks now. So....I'm trying to stay positive and we are even starting to throw around names. Yea I know its a little early but....that's what expecting parents do. I think we are starting to believe that this time around....its the real deal. I haven't touched a single baby book. Nope, not until its time....or I actually have the time because lately I'm napping, watching TV, or eating if I'm not at work or dance.

I hate to be the one who is the downer but so far this pregnancy hasn't been all that fun. I work, teach dance, & go to bed....sometimes while nausea and my zofran just isn't doing the trick. I know it will go away but I hate getting off work because a) I don't want to cook a damn thing (because I'm too lazy, I'm craving something else, and the smell of something cooking makes me wanna hurl) and b) I've fallen so behind on my house work its NOT even funny!! I can't find the energy to do any of it. I'm in bed most nights between 7 & 9. Mike and I haven't had sex....ok all of one time.....and I felt like I was going to hurl. So its not fun, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful or thankful for this baby. I just don't want to go through all this for nothing. It's not a fear anymore....its just I DON'T WANNA!

Mike has been pretty good & has taken over some of the house work. However, he recently hurt his back pretty bad and hasn't been able to help nearly as much. I'm ready to hire help. I'm desperate!!! Mike's been getting a lil angry at me because of eating out a lot and because I'm not eating all that healthy. :::Sigh::: I promised I would....but I'm thankful I can eat and keep what I eat down. I'm hoping I'll have a better appetite come the 2nd trimester.

Sorry no belly pics here. Mike is a sour puss and refuses to let me post any. :-P Poo on him!!!

PS Forgot to tell ya'all that we told my family & Mike's family. We need the support either way.

PSS I apologize to all my nesties....I haven't been on much....I know...but usually I'm in bed at this time. ;-)