I've always wanted to be a SAHM! My mom stayed home with me up until I was 16 or so. I hated it growing up but was later grateful. She returned back to work part-time when I was a sophomore in high school, by this time I was dancing 4 nights a week and knew the difference between right and wrong. I turned out fairly well I think...whether it was the fact that my SAH mom was able to instilled morals and values in me at an early age or the fact that my dad was a cop and I was too scared to get in trouble...or maybe it was a combination. Who knows? Sorry if I'm sorta rambling...I'll get to a point or maybe I won't tonight. Maybe you'll just learn more about us...or rather me, good or bad.
Anyway...returning to work has made me feel like a failure and as I typed those words tears are streaming down. I don't know how else to describe the feeling. I really don't. I'm not use to this feeling but my heart feels very heavy with guilt. I want my son to have what I had and I'm upset that he might never have his mom at home.
You would think that he was in daycare the way I'm acting. He's not. He's at the next best place than with him Mommy. He's with my mom, his Gran. This also kills me! She'll get to see all his milestones before I do (more than likely). Again I'm so glad its my mom!! :::more tears::: But at the same time it makes me sick that it won't be me. Maybe, I'm just a spoiled brat for feeling this way. I just have a feeling I'm going to envy her and when he goes running to her rather than me my heart is just going to break into pieces.
Even working part time would be so much better but I would give just about anything in the world to be a SAHM!! Unfortunately this won't be happening as Mike is in limbo with his job, I carry our insurance, and I'm in the process of becoming business partners with 2 other ladies for our dance company. More to come next post on my dance company, once I'm in a better mood. For now I'm off to go work out a little bit since Landon is getting some shut eye.
On a cheerier note here are some pictures of Landon the past week. BTW, he's 9 weeks old today. My baby is growing up!
One of the first smiles I have captured on film or a digital camera.
So serious....
Chillin at the pool.
This is how I chill in the bath tub. Really he always ends up this way.
It's almost bedtime.
1 comments:
I wanted to tell you that you are not alone feeling this way. I posted on the bump a few days ago about what a hard time I am still having with working and being a mom. I just can't find time for it all. And my job isn't going well which doesn't help. Hang in there, you aren't alone!!
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