"Life's a Dance You Learn As You Go"

So...the good thing about NOT being pregnant is enjoying a glass of wine every night with dinner. Ok...not every night but I'm enjoying it why I can. I'm trying to remain optimistic about this cycle. CD 8 by the way for those of you who don't know. Lookin at next week O-ing. Wooo!

Anyway let's bring ya up to date with whats been going on. I met with the ballroom studio owner this past weekend, which went ok. I'm not thrilled but it is an opportunity to get my feet wet, build a name for myself, and acquire customers at this point. I think this is probably my best option at this point while I continue to work hard on my business plan. Did I mention before how much of a pain in the ass that is? ;-) But I'm not complaining...I totally want this and want to get out of the job situation I am in now. BTW, it improved for about a week and the same shady sh!t is going down. UGH!

So...the studio owner was nice. What I am not crazy about is the fact that she kinda just rents the studio out to other dance teachers. There is no set schedule and classes typically run for a month and then a new schedule comes out. Its all very confusing to me and seems inconsistent. How am I suppose to teach anything in just 4 weeks to someone who has never taken ballet? YIKES! I felt very unprepared for this meeting. She had a lot of questions for me which I did not have answers for. I was expecting her to tell me this is the days or times I have available for you to have a class(es) for the next year. Just not the case here.

She does want to meet again this Sunday and sit down with her husband who runs the business aspect of the company. So I'm thinking I might start with an 8 week beginner adult barre (only) class and a beginner adult jazz class that run back to back. 1 hour long each...not really sure though. Tossing a lot of ideas around but would like to start in September.

Well thats it for now. I'm off to watch So You Think You Can Dance!

8 Things.......

I stole this post from Vivian.

8 Things I Am Passionate About
1. Mike
2. Family
3. Dancing
4. Making a family
5. Friends
6. The Nest
7. Animals
8. Traveling

8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Give my husband a family
2. Open my own dance studio
3. Travel around the world
4. Become closer to God
5. Live each day to the fullest
6. Make a difference in people's lives
7. Be a stay at home mommy
8. Be the best that I can be: a loving wife, a caring mother, a good friend, a passionate dancer, and an understanding daughter

8 Things I Learned This Past Year
1. Life isn't fair. I relearned that one.
2. Be thankful for the things you do have.
3. People are only out for themselves.
4. I have a lot of people who care about me.
5. Stop talking so much to God and listen!
6. Everything happens for a reason. Even though you might be in the dark about that reason...you will eventually understand.
7. Life remains unfair. :-)
8. My hubby is the most amazing man!

8 places I want to see
1. Tahiti/Bora Bora
2. Holland
3. Brazil
4. Egypt
5. New Zealand
6. England
7. Italy
8. Greece
9. Paris
10. Northern Lights
11. Ayers Rock in Australia

Opps I was suppose to stop at 8, right?

8 things I miss
1. Being a kid and having no worries.
2. My parents supporting me.
3. High School.........the good old days!
4. Being pregnant
5. Australia
6. Dancing 20 hours a week
7. Having a heck of a body...
8. My grandfather

8 things I currently want/need
1. Money
2. More Money
3. Did I mention even more money? I know money doesn't equal happiness but when your hubby's salary gets cut by 30%....its tough not to wish it 3 times.
4. BFP
5. exercise
6. a new job
7. thoughts and prayers that everything will be all right
8. God to hear me! I know you do but maybe I need to say stuff a little louder? ;-)

AF...but not the end of the world

So finally, 4 days late, my . shows. I hate being late, but its not the end of the world. I knew 2 weeks ago that there was no way I was pregnant. And I have realize that God may be trying to lead me down a different road for the time and I'm ok with that. But somewhere God can you put a healthy, happy baby in that mix? We would really appreciate it.

I have started a business plan for my dance studio which is rather a frustrating task because it involves a lot of bullsh!tting which I'm not all that good at. My dream, if I haven't talked about it enough is to intertwine dancing (ballet, modern, jazz, tap & hip hop) with rehab. After my various injuries growing up I realized the need for it and in my free time (when I'm not nesting or blogging) I read about injury prevention specifically geared to dancers. It would be the first of its kind in the area but would take many years to achieve its fullest potential.

I also have a meeting with a local ballroom owner who is interested in adding some adult beginner ballet classes this fall. How cool is that? Right in time when I need some extra money and need some more teaching experience. The meeting is this Saturday so cross your fingers please!

So that's where I am right now....

I've also returned to dancing at my local studio I grew up at to get back into some sort of dancing shape. I've always had a problem with "snapping hip" as they call it. My hip clunks, and clicks, and pops with various ballet & jazz movements. It was never painful but more alarming and uncomfortable. So when I started back my PT checked it out and we've started to work on it and its now painful. So...Mike shot x-rays at his office today and low and behold it looks like I have an osteophyte or bone spur on my accetabulum on my left side and the beginning of one on my right. So on top of AF and being crampy (more so than usual), my hips are hurting. I can't curl up in the fetal position or sit in my weird dancer like positions like I like to do. BOO hips! C'mon God, I know this road would be bumpy but does it have to start out rocky? Incase your wondering, my left hip may require surgery in the near future if I want to continue dancing. We'll see what the Doc says Monday.

In other news, I saw my matron of honor on Saturday who is 6 months pg. She looks fantastic and I even got to feel the baby move. I've never done that, it was so cool. She is also a m/c survivor and understands what I am going through. She even said to me, "I don't know how you are still talking to me." Meaning because she is pregnant. She said she wouldn't be able to do it and even called me strong. Which felt good and it felt good for her to acknowledge how hard it must be. Though I must say, I am very happy for her. I'm not jealous or bitter, maybe because she empathizes with what I am going through. I'm not sure for my reasons.

The sweetest place on Earth....

Yesterday I had the day off and Mike and I decided to still go to Hershey park despite our bad news we received earlier in the week. We both needed to go some where and have a good time. We had a lot of fun and it was nice not to think about work, at least I didn't.

I can't believe how much the park has changed since I worked there almost 10 years ago. Wow has it really been that long? Geez....Anyway the new roller coaster is outta this world! Seriously it starts out going up a hill and you are literally laying on your back looking at the sky. I looked at Mike and told him "I'm going to kill you after we get off this ride!" I had myself so worked up, typical. But it was insane! The 97 degree, inverted drop....I don't remember too much except how smooth it was. We also rode a bunch of other rides and checked out the boardwalk which has had mixed reviews. We liked it...it was nice but crowded. The whirlwind raft ride was crazy too! Short but not what we were expecting. Mike also won me a turtle that looks like the little sea turtles on finding Nemo! Its sooo cute!

Anyway....AF is due and she is no where to be found. I keep wiping and looking...I swear I have some light cramping but the red headed slut won't show her face! I know I'm not pregnant so c'mon! Get on with the show! Despite our financial difficulty right now we are NOT putting TTC on hold! I'm so happy because I was dreading AF, because it would mean a new fresh chance that wouldn't be taken advantage of.

I am now arguing with myself since AF has not shown her ugly face. I think ok we had sex at the very beginning of sex week, so there is a chance. But at the same time...I know I'm not that's the only time we had sex and my OPK was def positive 4 days after we had sex. Internal conflict sucks! I sometimes think I'm insane. Keep your comments to yourself please. ;-)

OH! I completely forgot that the RE called today. My labs all came back normal!!! He said nothing was even close to being abnormal!! So that is a nice relief. Now if only my body would return to clock work. tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock! I'm tired of waiting dammit! Patience is NOT a virtue of mine.

Noticing a Trend

DAY FROM HELL! So I thought the past week was bad, sex week + no sex for me = no chance in hell that I was pregnant . Well get a load of this.......

To make a long story short my boss & the PT I work with is like a spouse in so many ways. Well for the first time in our 3 years working together we finally had a H-U-G-E fight. I'm not going into what its about because its a horrible, horrible situation that I never want to be put in again!! And would take this whole first page of my blog. Let's just say its bottled up emotion because I did not know how to approach it. Last night I opened my mouth and spoke up (because no body at work had the balls to do so...thanks a lot guys! Not that any of them read this).......I bawled, not cried but bawled from 10:30-1:00 this morning. At 1, I got on the computer and actually was looking for a new job. He dished out some low blows including that I haven't been myself since my m/c....he continued to do so at 7:00 this morning during his first text. We battled it out, yes...a text battle! One that left me bawling my eyes out again. I did not want to go to work, I felt I had no strength to do so. I had never been so upset with him, at least that I can remember. Thank God, we worked it out by the afternoon and he apologized and told me I was right. Imagine that? Really, a 24 y.o. who knows what she is talking about? :::Gasp:::: Sorry for the sarcasm. It was a painful day at worked, I looked like hell and felt shitty.

I came home only to find out that Mike's salary was cut by 30%. So...there are going to be some big changes at MrsJT's residence. This has been an unbelievable day from HELL!

I'm assuming that we will put off TTC for the next few months which is even a harder blow, at least for me. Do you know what kind of wreck I will be? Let's not think about it cuz after the day I've had there is not much more I can handle.

Can we just fast forward a month?

So...yup sex week did not happen for us what-so-ever! Is it August 16th yet? Waiting a freakin month seems like eternity right now. I hate starting all over and having nothing to show. August 16th, would put us past my first EDD, so that would be great if we could skip over that as well! My OPK this month has been positive the past 3 days which is confusing to me. I never thought I ovulated this late. How can that be possible when AF is due the 19th?

I'm so frustrated. Things are not great at MrsJT's residence. I can't figure out what to do and I just feel trapped! Trapped in this hell, that wouldn't be hell if I didn't loose 2 babies. Some days I feel like such a failure. I'm tired of all these tests Lord. I swear I'll do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby in my arms in 2009. I know you will not put us through more than we can handle but right now I've had enough and don't know how much longer I can fight. I just want to surrender but that means I'm still a failure for giving up.

Sorry I'm already prepared for AF in a week. Bring on the those symptoms...the tiredness, the gas, the thirst, the peeing 8 times today. Screw you body I'm tired of all the tricks you have played on me!

Sex week = HELL

Disclaimer #1: So I'm going to apologize now...this may be TMI for many of you but I need to vent and this is where I can do that. So please if you don't want to know any detail about my sex life...DO NOT read any further.



So as some of you know sex week began for us. I'm using an OPK this month and the line continued to get darker. Which is grrrr-eat! Well it would be if my husband was feeling half way decent. Out of the 8 months we've tried....we have been sick 3 of those months during sex week. Can you say frustrating?

When we were not TTC Mike was typically the one who wanted sex and initiated it. I definitely do not need sex as often as he does and find myself doing it to make him happy, at least in the first few minutes until I get turned on. Some days its a chore though.

Now that we are TTC I'm the one who wants it. I'll just say that thinking about making a baby....turns me on. Sex week = me being horny! So of course...Mike finds this odd in some ways and of course is NOT turned on during sex week. He feels I'm only this way because I want a baby. Which I understand to a point...but I'm not making this baby for me...I think/thought this is what we both wanted. I'm trying to open a new door for the two of us, not just me.

So...according to my OPK my LH surge is positive on day 19 (yesterday) & 20 (today). The test strip has been much darker than the control, there is no mistaking it! However, I'm usually on a 28 day cycle. So I'm very confused that I would be ovulating so late. Now I realize this is my 2nd cycle after my D&E and AF arrived 30 days after. So who knows my cycles could very well have changed or just be F-ed up. So throw that into the mix...as well as...


Anyways...our fight had to due with me only being horny at this time of the month and only when were TTC do I seem to initiate sex. Fine, I'm guilty! Now that the roles are reversed and he's not the horny one he feels like its a chore. Welcome to my world! How comes he does not find making a baby sexy, he finds it now to be a chore? Is it because I tell him when I might be ovulating? But if I don't tell him, he'll know any way if I initiate it. Its not like he asks where are you in your cycle? I know planned sex might not sound sexy but...I don't want him using all his energy and when I come home saying I'm too tired. He feels like I just want him for his sperm and in a way I do...but I want to make a baby for us. It totally turns me on that its us expanding our family or at least trying.

He is also blaming me for indirectly putting pressure on him. He says when AF shows its hell week and everyone has to pay especially him. He tells me when AF shows he feels that I'm mad at him that I am not pregnant. Which is not the case at all! I'm disappointed that I didn't get pregnant and I'm frustrated that we didn't time it correctly or that something wasn't right (ie. sperm weren't good swimmers, egg was bad, who knows). Which not knowing the reason that I didn't get pregnant also frustrates the hell outta me because I'm left wondering what we did wrong and no one to tell me. So I am a bitchy lady, but what he also doesn't understand is I never experienced PMS like I do now. It wasn't nearly as bad on BCP, now its miserable at times.

So sex week is becoming hell week it seems. I am frustrated and stressed! I'm frustrated to the point I just wanna freeze his sperm throughout the month and during sex week I'll just shoot it up there! That way it doesn't require the effort on his part nor the stress on my end. Why does this have to be so frustrating? Who ever thought?