35 weeks....13 weeks.....take your pick

So I figured I would write about my shitty day before Mike got home. I don't want to be a bad wife and sit on the computer all night, though I feel like that's where I might find most of my support. :::shrugs shoulders:::

So as you know from my posts below...work has been...challenging...(yes, that's the word)... for me the past few days maybe weeks. I've been holding up fairly good emotionally as far as my m/c but...this past week has just been a downer in general and today is no exception to this. I don't know if it has to do with being sick or what. I have decided that I am going to stay in bed on Friday's from now on to avoid all the drama that seems to happen. Refer to post Stupid people.

As you also might know one of my co-workers is pregnant and is approximately where I would be if I was still pregnant with Baby #1. I've never actually liked this woman, just don't like her attitude and we've never really clicked. It's been very hard being happy for her and I find it hard to pretend that I care. But today my work spouse decides to help her out and do some manuals on her once again because her back is bothering her. No big deal we didn't have any patients at the time. However, he had a interview coming in 15 minutes. Of course the interview shows up 10 minutes early and he tells me to take over.

Let's rewind a little for those of you who don't know. My work spouse, who is the boss of the entire clinic, has become a close friend. We didn't start out on a great foot but we got passed that and have worked together for 3 1/2 years now. I've been very blessed as far as my job & having a great all around boss. He knows about my m/c's and has been very supportive of me in needing time off, emotionally when I'm upset or down, and is there just for me to talk to. He genuinely cares and worries about me just like any friend.

So anyway....I give him this look like "are you #(&% kidding me??" And I usually do not show attitude (at home...yes...but not to my boss or co-workers) but I definitely left him have some today! I was NOT a happy camper and still am mad, upset, bitter, and angry all rolled into one!! Watch out I don't know what emotion might jump up next!!!

So I "jump" in and take over for him as he goes on his merry way. The whole time all I could think of is damn this should be me! I should be 35 weeks pregnant about ready to pop and if not that I should at least be 13 weeks pregnant entering my 2nd trimester.......TODAY on the dot! Grr...it took almost everything I had not to loose it!!!

Thoughts were just running through my head!! Its amazing....how quickly those who care about you forget. Don't get me wrong...there are times I forget and almost feel guilty for forgetting....but this is life...we move on after time...time that mends the heart. Its not an easy process and I don't wish it on my worst enemy EVER!

People who have not experienced a m/c don't understand why we react the way we do to pregnant women. Hopefully this may explain it & hopefully someone will get it....but when we look at a pregnant woman we (most ladies) think "how cute"....we possibly touch our bellies...wishing that that was us but we then realize that we've lost one or multiple babies...which leads to us thinking damn this could be me...it was me for a very short time....why isn't it me now? When we see a pregnant belly we want to reach out and touch it just to get a glimpse of what it might be like because we have never felt it and we long to know what that feels like. We yearn so much our heart aches. We begin to feel like failures. These feelings turn us into bitter women who have babies in heaven and not on earth. Its not fair! We know life isn't fair but we still want answers!

No Man....to shutting down....

Sorry...its been awhile since I last posted. Things are a little crazy right now. I've been sick and even though I feel better I still have a lovely cough. AF was roaring its ugly head as well. Thank goodness AF is over...10 more days until....well you can figure it out.


So...quick update...Saturday I spent the day cleaning and recovering from this awful chest cold that seems to be lingering even after a course of antibiotics. Sunday proved to be a much more interesting day. But before I go into that let me give a little history lesson about Mike & Jess. My Dad and grandparents raised me in the Catholic church. My mom was raised Lutheran. Mike was never baptised but his parents and him attended a Methodist church when he was little. Most of his friends were Catholic growing up and he attended many masses with his friends. When Mike and I got engaged Mike converted to Catholicism. Which I never expected him to do. I just wanted to be married in the Catholic church.


So Sunday Mike & I woke up early to go to early mass. Some how we got on the topic of Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice. OH! I know how...Mike recently researched the difference between the groups and came across a Catholic site which clearly expressed its views as well, that Mike was not in agreement with. But anyway....we were on this discussion and he brought to my attention that Pro-Life is now stating that NO ONE should be able to have an abortion. While Pro-Choice is now on the side that many do not support abortion as birth control but do view some abortions necessary such in the case of rape, incest or if the mother's life is at risk, etc.....I was blown away by this new info. I always consider myself Pro-Life but I do not agree with their current views nor the Catholic church's current views. I was highly upset when Mike pointed out that in the Catholic church's eye I had an abortion with my D&E. It made me angry...angry that MEN of all people in the Vatican have devised all these "laws"!! I stand behind when I say NO MAN will ever understand the emotional pain I have been through during & after my miscarriages, including these men of God! Thought I would just point this out....because I was unaware. Mike was also disgusted with how the Pro-Lifers represented themselves on their websites while Pro-Choicers were very factual on their websites. He did give the Catholic church credit though in the way they explained themselves.

Anyway at church the homily was an interesting one. It was about fear and trusting God with your fears. Father, gave a funny story (I'm not sure if its fictional or not) that this religious woman got on a plane to travel to the holy land. It was her first time traveling by air. As she fastened her seat belt she closed her eyes and didn't open them until they were at cruising altitude. She looked out the window just as one of the engines was falling off, she started screaming "oh my God we are going to die!" Flight attendants quickly attended to her and tried to calm her down. They tried telling her that they could safely fly back with just 3 engines but that did not satisfy her. She kept yelling "oh my God we are going to die!" They also try to calm her down and brought 4 bishops. She cried out "I rather there be 3 bishops and 4 engines!" I thought it was rather cute and tried to apply what father was telling me to my own life. Sure I am afraid of spiders and heights all which I can trust in God. However, the fear of never having my own biological family scares the crap outta me along with having more m/c and I'm having a hard time placing that in God's hands.

I am still looking into a dance studio. I have a budget set up with price quotes from flooring specialists, barres, mirrors, etc...I have also met with a realtor at a local plaza, which was very helpful and eye opening. But if I do open up I would def like to open in this plaza for various reasons but no point in getting into that now until it happens.

Lately I feel very under appreciated at work. My boss is a great guy and a great work spouse. But he is overly frustrating on a lot of days! Being the boss he has a lot of responsibilities which I understand and have to cover for him, treating our patients, writing notes, and the list goes on and on while he's attending his boss duties. Sometimes he doesn't think though and does it at the worst times and I feel like he leaves me stranded. He has a lot on his plate I know...but...but....maybe I should just stop complaining.

So work hasn't been an enjoyment lately and I'm at the point that I'm tired of hearing patients b!tch and complain like I have nothing at all to complain about. They've had o-p-t-i-o-n-a-l surgery, they chose to get their knee replaced, no one forced them into it and they expect it to be healed in a week! HELLO, are people idiots or are the doctors for not explaining the extent of surgery? GRR! I'm just sick of the mentality of these patients, some days it drives me nuts.

So I'm starting to wonder if this is God's plan? If he doesn't want me to have children just yet and wants me to use the gift that he has given me to start my own dance studio. I've always loved this quote:

"What you do is God's gift to you, what you make of it is your gift to God."

Today was a very off day for me....maybe this week has been. I feel as if I've been shutting down like I go through the emotions, my head is spinning with thought (babies, dance, house, etc..) but I'm not up for communicating with anyone. Does that make sense? This is mainly at work. I mean one minute I'm talkative and the next I don't want to be bothered. I'm not up for sharing personal information except with one or two people. I'm just usually very open & share personal detail like what's been going on in life, etc...but I just shut down and want to get the heck out of there.

I once again today was reminded that I would be almost 1 month away from my due date with Baby #1. I walked out into our front office and there our pregnant woman is sitting with a co-worker of mine on her knees rubbing her belly!!! SLAP 1! The pregnant woman has also been complaining of some back issues and my PT that I work with offered to help just like he does with everyone while I'm left treating our other patients. But they start talking about adding her baby girl to her insurance and its just like damn shut the #&^@ up! Slap 2! I don't understand any reasons for shutting down. <--sarcasm!

This week my Rav-4 is being repaired and I have a Nissan Murano which I have fallen in love with!!! I don't want my car back! My total damage is now totalling closer to $2700!! Thank God for insurance!!

Question answered....

AF has arrived today, 30 days after D&E! Let the celebration begin! Not only that, I have received bills in the mail for the chromosonal testing after my D&E and got the results today. They were normal....however, I'm very disappointed that this is all the testing that was done! I am scheduled the 3rd of July to see a specialist. Looks like that puts us around sex week. LOL. Oh well....I can't believe that I'm excited over getting AF...I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I'm happy though because this means Mike & I can TTC (take 3)! A fresh start.


PS If you don't see me around...our computer is down, thanks to a virus! This post is coming from Dr. Mike's office computer!

Sick, AF, pg...who knows

So today is 1 month since my D&E. Needless to say it hasn't been a smooth road and has had many bumps along the way. Which I expected and would be a fool not to expect. However, I'm losing my "filter" its officially off and I'm not holding back as you can tell in my previous post.

So this past week I've felt very off. After treatment for my whiplash (from my car accident June 6th) on Monday I became very achy. I see a chiropractor (who I've seen since I was 15, up until I met my husband) and a massage therapist, who gives one hell of massage! So I've been very achy, tired the past 2 days, gassy (told you...lost the filter), irritated and just very blah. My typical AF symptoms....oh yea and my boobs were def hurtin pups on Monday when I was laying prone (on my belly) receiving my massage. However, I also have had these same symptoms in both of my pregnancies when I thought AF was around the corner.

So is it possible? Sure. Mike and I haven't really been trying but we are not, not trying. Selfish? Maybe, but one doctor said we could TTC right away and another told us to wait a cycle. I'm not getting my hopes up...I'm ok if it doesn't happen but I'm sure I will be disappointed when AF does show up.

So this morning I woke up with a blasted sore throat and felt down right shitty all day. So maybe I'm just getting sick. Who knows! Its annoying though....Bring on the wait for AF..... :::sigh::: .....please be around the corner so Mike and I can TTC again!

More stupid people

So Monday morning at approx. 7:15 a co-worker of mine says to me, "we missed you on Saturday! Why didn't you come?" She was referring to another co-workers surprise baby shower, the one who is a week ahead of where I would be with Baby #1. I replied "Name, I had my second m/c 3 weeks ago. I wasn't about to torture myself." I had told her about my first but not about my 2nd. She felt really bad and was very apologetic. Great way to start off Monday morning!

And to make it even better Heather who hosted the baby shower heard it all. Today she tells me that she asked her why she didn't tell her about my m/c. Heather told her it wasn't her place and it wasn't something I wanted in the local paper to be announced. This same co-worker went to another co-worker and said I feel so bad for saying something to Jess and proceeded to tell her what happened. Of course this other co-worker (what we are up to 6, now??) had no idea of the situation either. I was livid. Are you kidding me? Yes I told her, not because I wanted a pity party, but because it was the truth. What sense is it to lie to people? I'm not going to hide because I've m/c. I'm not ashamed. But c'mon did she really need to go tell someone else? I don't get it.

So that was just to reiterate how stupid people are. F@*&ing stupid!!! So...in other news...I went to Richie's dance recital over the weekend, not once but twice. Show was pretty good! I'm impressed with the group of good dancers, many who I taught growing up. Which leads me to say that I am seriously looking into all my options. We are even looking into commercial property and getting a feel for how much $ per square foot. So I'm excited and glad to be focusing energy else where.

5 Questions, 5 Answers

I've been tagged by Kristin. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves.

At the end of the post, the player then tag people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.


1. What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago....I was 14, about to become a freshmen in high school...I was entering the best years of my life!


2. Five things on my to do list for today: It's late in the day...get some rest so I feel better, spend time with Mike & look at my studio proposal.


3. Snacks I enjoy right now: Tastey cakes, nuts (you sicko), gold fish crackers, & chips


4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire: GO SHOPPING!!! Buy all the clothes, shoes, purses and accessories I wanted! Buy a house to fit all of my clothes. Buy Mike a Corvette, a Highlander and an Audi TT for me. Reinvest of course, donate to charity (especially animal shelters), quit my job, take a cruise around the world, travel the world again and see the places we missed. Give some money to our parents & close friends. Did I forget anything?? Oh! Have all the testing in the world to figure out this m/c BS! hehe


5. Places I have lived: only in Central PA, Middletown & Camp Hill


I decided that I won't tag anyone but if anyone is bored....here is a short questionnaire to fill out.

PS My hubby is so good to me. While our computer is getting fixed he hooked the lap top up. :-) Thanks babe!!!

Stupid People

Are people really that f$(*ing stupid? Oh wait....yes they are! ARGH! Why?? Why can't people just keep their mouths shut? Is it really that hard?

Just when I think I'm doing good and trying to focus my energy else where I have a complete melt down! It started off at the grocery store this morning when I was checking out...I walked past a customer who was in a self check out register to get to a free one and I saw him staring (couldn't miss it) and he whistled at me. WTF? It's 6:45 AM, I just got outta the shower 30 minutes ago and your whistling at me like I'm a dog? Do guys really think this is necessary or that it turns us on? Newsflash to any guy out there who might be reading this: IT DOESN'T!

Then around 10:30ish an employee from our company that works at a different clinic shows up who I very much dislike. It takes a lot for me not to like someone as much as I do her. So I figured for once she would just ignore me but nooooo. She says something along the line of "where are the babies" while pointing to my stomach. "Aren't you trying?" I think I tuned her out right about there as my heart sank into my stomach. It was harmless small talk & she has no idea of my history but at the same time it sent my world crashing down. Talk about disliking a person even more.

About 45 minutes later, one of my co-workers ticked me off and I became very angry! I left for lunch...went shopping for an outfit for tonight and was just stamping around in the mall with a pissed off look on my face, I'm sure. My boss (who is the PT I work with, I'm a PTA & we are grouped on teams. We joke that we are work spouses, so we are fairly close) had sent me a text because he stopped me on my way out for lunch and asked if I was ok and I told him I was fine or that I would be fine (can't remember which). He hates the word fine...and he asked if it was what so & so at work did? And I replied "Yes that's part of it but what so & so said was awful!" He agreed and I walked past him and said "I'm just mad!" He knew I wanted to be left alone after that. So...he apologized to me and asked if there was anything he could do. And I said "I wish I just had the courage to tell people I have 2 babies in heaven" and I started bawling...I lost it....I couldn't be that rock any more. I've had an incredible amount of strength this time around....but now...I feel as if I lost it. He sent me home after I got back and we talked, which was really nice because I was not in the mood to deal with people at all. I had no patience for stupid people!! I lost it all this morning!!

Well at least I'll look cute in the new outfit I bought at the mall for the dance recital tonight!! LOL