Back from Morgantown, WV

Yes, we are finally back from Mo-town. We had a fairly good time other than drama that went on at our tailgate. ::rolling my eyes:: Alcohol induced drama is always fun...only when your 20, not soon to be 40! Ok...now that I got that off my chest. I officially starting m/c Friday before we left. This may be TMI for some so don't read....I'm warning you...Friday night my cramps became pretty intense, enough that I left dinner to go buy more pads & motrin. Saturday I think I change a maxi pad 4 times and to make it even better...try doing that in a freakin port-a-potty thingy! Yea, not a pleasant experience what so ever.

Friday night my cramps became pretty intense and Saturday morning I felt as if I'd been gutted I was bleeding so bad.

So...I dunno if I'm just in denial or if I'm still numb or if going through this a 3rd time I'm consider a pro or what it is but...I dunno that I feel much of anything. Of course I'm pissed and angry but at the same time I'm just like $(&# this shit and lets move on. Or maybe I've completely given up hope. That could be it...I told my mom that its not worth praying for us because no one is listening...I said that all inbetween sobs. I don't mean it but I feel that way.

I also feel my RE better have a DAMN GOOD answer come Tuesday morning or it might be when all my emotions come out! I wanna know if he still thinks this is "a case of bad luck" still. If he does I have news for him. Anyway...my numbers should be zero...I was at 15 on Friday and my RE's partner told me "well at least its taking care of itself". WTH? Sure...great I don't have to have another D&E but jesus this is not what I want to go through once again. I've been poked and prodded that WTH is another procedure?

Thanks for all the nesties who have responded and for all your thoughts and prayers. Yes, there are days I might not show that I appreciate it but I really, really do. I wouldn't keep going without all your encouragement.

Now on another note, here are some pics from WVU.

The Fiest Bowl Trophy won against Oklahoma 48-28

My first time stepping onto Mountaineer field.

Mike & I

Let's Go..........MOUNTAINEERS! Bring on the new era of Coach Stew!

And the bleeding begins...

Mike & I are getting ready to head down to WVU for the weekend and of course the bleeding starts. 4 weeks, 5 days. F*&^ YOU BODY! I'm not looking forward to his trip nearly as much as I was but I plan to make the best of it. Mike's best friend and their wife are pregnant (just found out as well). See my post about pity party and you'll understand...that I'm just not thrilled. I don't know that I have an ounce of happiness for anyone that is pregnant right now, with a few exceptions (my nestie friend Stephanie, Niecy & Amanda & one of my very close friends Lindsay). Honest to God, that's it! Well I should be back Sunday evening and hope to update you with our trip to WVU, I'm hoping it will be more fun than I think it will be.

So...third time NOT a charm

That's right. HCG = 15 & Progesterone = 0. I sit here sobbing, bawling, and shaking. I have so many thoughts and feelings going through me right now I don't know what to say...I'm numb! I can't believe I'm going through this again. I'm losing our baby for the 3rd time. WTF?

I just know...

I just know deep down inside that this is a chemical pregnancy once again. I sit here crying once again, feeling like a failure and a huge let down. I'm so disappointed. I'm so mad and I'm so sad. How can this be happening again?

I don't have the strength to keep fighting...I feel so weak right now...I have zero hope that my numbers are doubling thanks to me POAS tonight and it barely having a hint of a line.

Maybe this is my punishment for always succeeding in life up until this point. I've had it pretty easy, more easy than most. I grew up an only child because my mom had cervical cancer when I was 3 and at the young age of 30. My mom was a SAHM, while my dad worked crazy shifts as a local police officer. They some how made it work. As I grew up my parents provided me with anything I needed. School came easy to me for the most part, I succeeded in dance, and even in most sports I wasn't too shabby. My dad and I grew far apart and in my senior year of HS my parents separated when my dad was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. That's probably as dysfunctional as it has gotten for me. Ok so there were a lot more bumps and curves in the road that I will tell you some other time but I'm grateful for the most part that I've had an easy life compared to most.

I'm not a patient person either. Are you testing my patience God? I'm waving a huge white flag at the moment. Can't you see it?

Please, please, please pray for a miracle tonight! Please pray that I am wrong and that everything is right on track. I know many of you, many of my friends, many of my co-workers, and many of my family have been praying for us and I'm so thankful to have such wonderful people in my life!! I don't know what I would do without you!

Not so good news....

RE called this morning...hcg level is 38. Not so hot since my LMP was 7/22/08. However, RE asked if I knew when I ovulated and I told him that I wasn't exactly sure but somewhere around day 20ish and that my cylces have been increasing in length. Progestrone level was 12.6 which he said was not bad. So he said he is overall concerened about the viability of this pregnancy. Said my numbers should be closer to 100. However, if I ovulated that late that would make a difference. So we are hoping that I ovulated late but we are preparing for the worse at this point.



I'm holding up ok. I feel like I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to blame someone and I want to ask God why, why aren't you listening to my prayers? What else do I need to do before I can have a child of my own here on Earth? Its frustrating....I wanna break down but at the same time I wanna be strong and hold on to hope.

So far...so good...

So I'm still pretty shocked, not sure I totally believe that I am pregnant but have plenty of symptoms to back it up. I'm anxious and nervous....the excitement hasn't kicked in and I don't think it will until my numbers are doubling. Even then I don't know that I'll be overly excited. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to stay positive because I am. I want this more than anything!

Originally I had a MRI arthrogram scheduled for my left hip today but after testing positive yesterday I canceled it. Instead I found myself upset with the nurse or receptionist or whatever she was who told me I could only have my blood drawn between 8-8:30. WTF? Its blood.work lady! Give me an F'in break. So I called back after I scheduled blood work for tomorrow and asked for the RE to personally call me because I had some questions.

He is so sweet! Within a hour he called me back. I explained my concerns and that I had a half day schedule and he said come on over. The only reason it needed to be between 8-8:30 was so we could get the same day results. I was like I don't give two shits about whether I get it today or tomorrow, its just more convenient for me today. UGH Doctors offices...I swear! Anyway...I'm hoping to have more news for ya'll tomorrow. Have a great night. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Am I imagining this?

Am I imagining this faint plus sign? Do you see it too? Right click on picture and click open link, it'll bring up a bigger picture, that way the backround will not interfere.