Considering 2nd opinion.......

So turns out a person that Mike knows works for an OB/GYN office in Harrisburg. Mike also knows the OB's there and the mid wife. However, I never went there for personal reasons (which have resolved) and because I was pretty satisfied with my current OB/GYN. However, the more I read and the more I hear, the more I want a 2nd opinion on my "fertility issues" (for lack of a better term, since I don't have issues conceiving...I just have issues carrying).

This person that Mike knows is a nurse who said typically in their practice after 2 m/c numerous tests are run to find out if there is a problem and a specialist may or may not be contacted. My current practice told me to do nothing, and to try again, & if we didn't succeed then we would be appropriate for additional testing and possibly seeing a specialist, which frustrates me. Why should I go through this if something is wrong?

So I figure with Mike knowing the OB's at this practice professionally (FYI - Mike's a Chiropractor if you didn't know) and personally that I will get VIP attention, hopefully. The cool thing is the OB is supposedly best friends with one of the only specialists in the area, at Hershey Med Center. So that also makes me feel good. So we'll see how that goes.

Last night I told my mom about this and she was real snippy sorta with me and kept questioning my judgement, so I felt. But she was like "well why don't you wait until your testing from your D&E comes back" blah blah blah. I told her what Dr. Mantione told me and that was that it would most likely not show anything since I was so early. Which I think is a load of crap, at least if they did extensive testing you would think it would show something. Anyway then I said to her plus I don't get those results for another 4 weeks and by then I hope we will be TTC again. Or at least on that 1st cycle. And she has the nerve to say to me "well don't you think you better wait"? I get what she is saying but for crying out loud this is not her decision. My current Dr. told me that I could TTC right away. And in the first place she sounded totally against the 2nd opinion. I dunno.....it just made me mad last night and on top of it Mike told me she's only saying this because she loves me, (he always sticks up for those that say the wrong things, and I love him for that) but why doesn't anyone know when to shut up?

So I'm about 100 pages into "Is your body baby friendly?" and I have to say I understand some of the mixed reviews I've heard about it. Its full of medical terminology left and right. I am lucky to be in the medical field and have had a class in med-terms. When I read it I don't totally follow everything but I get the gist of it. I find the research Dr. Alan E. Beer has done in the past 25 years amazing and very interesting!

Here are some things I have read that just astonishes me that their aren't more people following in his footsteps. The American College of OB/GYNs and the Royal College of OB/GYNs 'who determine professional guidelines, currently suggest only a limited selection of tests for couples experiencing recurrent m/c:'
- Genetic analysis of both partners
- Chromosomal analysis
- Assessment of uterine anatomy by u/s and hysteroscopy
- Limited number of antiphospholipid syndrome tests
- Screening for blood clotting disorder (one)
- Virus & bacterial screenings
These may seem like a lot of things to test and look for and many of us may think well we were screened for immune issues when in reality this has only hit the surface. The book goes on to say only a few immune problems are tested and that their is no Natural Killer Cell Assay or tissue compatibility (between partners) and that the ACOG & RCOG don't even advise to test for things such as diabetes and thyroid disease. HELLO!!!

I also like the fact that he breaks up reasons for reproductive failure & who should be tested by a reproductive immunologist. His six categories for reproductive failure include chromosomal abnormalities, abnormal uterine or cervical anatomy, hormonal imbalances, infection and illness, environmental factors & immune system problems. He goes very in depth on how all of these reasons may effect our outcomes.

Stay tuned...I'll post more as I get farther along. Please note this is not meant to "hurt" or confuse those who are going through fertility issues...I just want to pass along some info as I read it.

Irritated!

I'm incredibly irritated right now. All I want to do is get on the nest and read my boards that I normally do while Mike isn't home. And guess what? It's not working, I keep getting an error message & the more I see it the more pissed off I become! WTF? The keyboard also sucks which frustrates me even more!!

Why Why Why Why? I just need my girl time, especially on the PL board. Everyone is so supportive and I enjoy talking to others who also know how painful m/c are. It's heartbreaking that there is at least 3-4 new girls on there every day.

Between blogging and the PL board I've found a lot of comfort this time around! If only during my first m/c I would have known about this board and reached out to other women for support.

As much as I love my DH and appreciate his kindness, comfort and support, I believe no man will ever understand the pain of losing a baby. Not because they don't want to understand but simply they aren't a woman. I'm not trying to be sexist by any means, women and men are just made different. They can sympathize but they can't empathize. Please don't take this as men don't feel anything after their wives lose a baby, because they hurt as well and are disappointed but they don't know what joy you have even as you feel a wave of nausea coming on because your carrying his child, that you've made together. They simply don't understand that your mood changes on a dime for no rime or reason but just simply because and not because we like being mean. They don't understand the hurt, the heartbreak when we learn that we are m/c their child. We feel like a failure, sometimes the thought that we don't deserve a baby crosses our mind and other times we are so jealous of others who we feel don't deserve to be pregnant for one reason or another. Most of them don't get this and even those who have not experienced a loss cannot even begin to fathom any of our feelings. Which leads into saying all the wrong things....I'll save this for another time.

Well I'm off for tonight especially if the nest won't cooperate! Boo on you! I do look forward to reading one of my new books "Is your body baby friendly?" So far it seems pretty good but I'm all about understanding how the body works.

Maybe I'm just fat

Ok...so not fat...but I've put on a few pounds and look like I have an inner tube around my waist. I guess I should get motivated and start an exercising program. Its depressing that 4 years ago I was in the best shape of my life, dancing 5 days a week. :::sigh::: Why did I ever quit? Oh yea....drama and a bunch of lazy girls.

Right so anyway I thought I'd give a little update re: D&E recovery. Thursday I stayed home from work and just rested up. My bleeding slowed but my cramps persisted. On Friday I went back to work and was hurting pretty good by 10:30. So at lunch I laid down and slept for approx. 30 mins which felt great. By Friday afternoon I had a slight brownish discharge and was feeling a little tired but good overall.

By Saturday I was doing yard work and felt great! I'm pretty shocked at how quickly I recovered but thankful. I'm still holding up pretty well emotionally. I can't believe my optimism this time around. Losing Baby #1 was emotionally draining and I looked at the glass half empty. I can't figure out why this has been drastically different. I'm still sad and my heart still aches that yet again I have lost another baby. It still pains me to see pregnant women but at least I can see a newborn and think how precious they are and not lose it completely.

BTW, I did some therapeutic shopping today. :-)

I use to feel...

I use to feel pretty and even sexy. Not recently I don't. I'm not quite sure if it has to do with 2 m/c in 6 months or if I'm in that in between stage. I'm 24 and in 6 months will be 25. I feel like I shouldn't be dressing "fun" and should be dressing more like a mom (or at least a wanna be), sensible, professional, etc. Does that make sense to anyone?

When I was pg, I didn't take great care of my looks, mainly because I was waking up either tired as hell or with nausea. I'm considering doing some therapeutic shopping at Old Navy today or tomorrow, anyone care to join me? Maybe I'll even paint my toes!

Recovery

Surprisingly yesterday I was very calm most of the day. Usually I'm a nervous wreck who's about ready to have an anxiety attack at any moment. I'm not sure who gave me the courage and strength, if it was God or a guardian angel...I'm not sure but I appreciate it.

My mom met Mike and I at the surgical center around 1:45. As I checked in my heart starting to sink but as I was called back the nurse who got me ready was so nice and sympathetic I almost forgot that I would no longer be pg after this procedure. She checked all my vitals which were normal except my pulse which was almost 100 bpm, who could blame me? She did have some difficulty getting a vein to cooperate for her but after checking both hands she tried the left side. After she poked me twice she got it in and the IV became "positional" so every few minutes someone kept asking me to move my hand so the IV would drip correctly.

Meanwhile Dr. Mantione, my anesthesiologist, and my OR nurse all came to check on me and answer any questions we had. They were all super nice and explained everything to me. After I kissed Mike and my mom good bye they rolled me back in the OR and I became slightly dizzy. Everyone in the OR was commenting on my curly hair and asking if I liked it and within 1 minute of arrival the anesthesiologist asked me to dream about something good and I said "I have a donut at home waiting for me" and I was out that quick.

I woke up rather quickly at exactly 3:00, almost like something startled me. I kinda looked around but no one was there, my eyes were watery, I was cramping and had some vaginal discomfort. A nurse came over quickly and handed me tissues and told me not to scratch at my eyes. I'm assuming she checked my vitals at the time and asked if I would like something to drink. Of course I said yes and quickly asked when I would get to go home. She said shortly and returned with a heating pad and some coke. She sat me up and moved me down another hallway to which another nurse took over.

Mike and my mom came back and I was feeling very light headed and clammy, like I was going to pass out. The nurse who took over quickly lowered the upper half of the bed and got me a cool washcloth. A few minutes passed, my color returned and I felt much better. I was chatting away asking questions and I couldn't believe how talkative and almost cheerful I was, was it the drugs? LOL! I sat up very slowly this time and was given some demoral (sp) for my cramps which I rated a 2-3/5. I'm use to the 10 scale what can I say? It helped relieve the cramps down to a 1/5 before I left around 4:30.

I was overall very, very pleased with the service and care I received. I'm use to being the one who gives excellent care to my patients, so it was nice to receive it in return.

I spent all day on the couch catching up on missed TV shows. I slept 12 hours almost last night and feel decent today. I still have mild cramping and some bleeding but I expected it to be a whole lot worse. I was told to avoid stairs the next few days, use pads, no sex until the bleeding stops, to avoid baths for a week or so and return to work next 3-4 days. However, I plan to go back tomorrow but my boss knows I need to take at easy.

I'm surprised how well I feel emotionally and physically. I just hope I will continue to surprise myself this time around and not turn into a bitter b!tch. But if I do...look out! ;-)

Thoughts...

After I posted my last post I thought I should post that I'm very happy with my dr. How many times can you say post in 1 sentence? I've never been happier with a dr office in all my life (24 years, long huh?)! As an OB pt (patient) I never expected a dr who would call with blood results or get on the phone when you have questions. Heck my PCP doesn't e-v-e-r do that, its always a nurse calling and then playing phone tag because they didn't answer all your questions. My dr has been truly sympathetic and has showed patience with me. He was very willing to do a second u/s to confirm a blighted ovum. I couldn't be happier with my OB practice. Its nice to feel like somebody and not just the hundredth pt of the day.

Life = unfair

So yesterday I found out my bw results and my hcg levels went from 30k to 42,000. I requested a 2nd u/s to confirm that their was nothing forming in the sac for a piece of mind. There isn't...so we are proceeding with the D&E today.

I'm starving and its making me half sick in my stomach and my head is starting to ache. The donut in the bread box is calling out my name, I can almost taste it. Yum. For some reason I'm pretty calm and have accepted the fact that this is not a viable pregnancy. I'm ready to move on but I'm sure I will not forget.

The dr. has assured me that the sac will be sent for testing but will most likely not show anything. I have asked about seeing a specialist as well and of course he is not concern at this point, however, it's not his body going through another miscarriage. He said we could begin testing and that is up to us. He kinda gave us the run around that the textbooks say 2 m/c are normal. I got news for anyone who thinks this is normal....IT IS NOT! It may be nature's way but no woman deserves to keep going through this process and have absolutely no answers! With that being said I'm not sure at this point what we will do. On one hand I feel I am willing to try one more time but on the other I don't want to go through this again.

I've ordered 3 books on miscarriages to do some reading and hopefully have a better understanding of it overall. And will help make sense (as much as it can) in my head.